How to tell if u r a chav lol

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Go-Go Gadget Pumps

We have all seen em, those nasty shiny trainers that are half racecar half footwear. I don’t really understand the need for these unless the greater spotted chav spends his leisure time bouncing around the house like some mad track-suited tigger, maybe that’s where the noise is on their music, maybe the thunk-thunk noise is not the beat of a drum machine but the sound of Burberry hitting plaster!

The Burberry Cap

Nothing says chav more than a Burberry cap, it is in itself a badge of chav-hood….pity they don’t come with wearing instructions, mind you I don’t know if chavs can read anything other than J.D Sports!

The Tracksuit

This is a fairly major indicator/symptom of chavitis, and you should see a doctor the moment you walk through MATALAN and think to yourself how much you like that FILA twin-set. Chav’s do like variety and are normally in possession of at least three tracksuits at any given time to be used on a mix and match basis, never forgetting to tuck them into their white socks.

Goldie Lookin Chain

Or bling as they call it, the rules arte simple, it should be thick as a rope and long enough to allow your medallion to hit you in the bollocks when your jumping around on your pogo-pumps! Sovereign rings are a must and some of those lovely MUM earrings for your single mom Chav-ette are always a nice detail.

Sir Jimmy Saville

Basically if you dress anything like sir James then you is a chav….innit!

J.D Sport Plastic Bag

You know the ones I mean, draw-string plastic bags with a well worn and faded J.D logo on it, for carrying all those chav nick-nacks such as clipper lighters and hardcore-non-stop-whistle-posse-in-da-house cd’s and your spare baseball caps. These highly useful accessories come in two colours blue for a chav and Barbie pink for a chav-ette.

Speech And A Language

If you have read this far and are still unsure if you’re a chav or not then this should clear it up.

No matter where he is or where he comes from a chav will always attempt to talk with a black accent and most drop there h’s with a passion.

It would bring a tear of pride to ali G’s eye, some are not happy just to drop h’s from the beginning of words and have launched an assault on the endings of words and actually use words like “respesc”, Is it all in an attempt to appear less intelligent than they actually are to deter the nice man at the job-centre from actually finding them a job where you might get your track-suit dirty.

If that’s the case then they should know that its not necessary, the fact that you cant put a hat on your head straight speaks volumes, so please don’t bother with all that talk on our account, we already know you cant find your arse with both hands!

Mating Behavior

Chavs congregate at local breeding grounds, namely outside chip shops and off licences where the underage chavs can while away many a happy hour trying to steal a bottle of white lightening or try to persuade their mates to go halves on a ten box.

Seen from afar you will note the strutting and posturing that goes on, your average chav cant communicate without gesticulating, in fact you can actually render a chav speechless if you remove his arms as they work in the came way as a pigeon head when its walking.

But draw a little closer to the chav-herd and if you listen very carefully above the constant cries of “aieee” and “innit” you might just hear that they are actually asking each other “come on .. be honest….does kappa suit me?” they will remain in the mating ground smoking their soap-bar and strutting up and down until a suitable she-chav comes along,,,,or until the chippy closes!

Once suitable mate is found the male will abandon the breeding ground for the high rise nesting ground to settle down to a life of pill popping and push-chairs…..if only JD’s sold wallpaper eh!

Identification

They identify each other by smell with each tribe using the same boss scent and sometimes with ingenious jewellery that spell your name!! !! Whatever will the little chavs think of next? Burberry band aids!?!

Pecking Order

The chav food chain is a highly complex thing, but there are a few ways to gauge roughly the age/ status of a chav, seniority is key with chavs so you can roughly judge by the amount of Elizabeth duke he is wearing around his neck and by the age and style of the tracksuit, a classic Sergio tacchini and a semi mrT thing going on around his neck will tell you that he is an old male (probably 35) who has by now got three kids, a council house and an XR3i, where as the bum fluffed male desperately trying to look older by growing facial hair and fooling nobody as his attire betrays his age.

Music

That’s not music its an audio enema, chavs seem to prefer all that thunk-thunk tsst-tsst music as it really gets the windows rattling on the XR3i when played painfully loud through a base tube that fills the entire boot!

Haha I miss the UK !

*takes notes*

If I ever fulfill my dream of visiting England, I will make sure to properly identify chavs and stay as far away from them as possible. My sister lives in Manchester and tells me they're awful people.

Lol They are bogans here!

BOGAN (pronunciation boe-gn) is a term used primarily in Australia to describe a particular section of the working class demographic. This derogatory slang word is a gender-neutral noun; this being important as many bogans tend to gravitate towards one another forming relationships and extended families. A bogan family is not an uncommon phenomena in certain regions. A bogan typically resides in either a low-cost housing estate, government housing or in the outlying regional areas of continental Australia. Generally bogans tend to congregate in areas with little or no features & amenities.

Generally the bogan fits a particular stereotypical image. The perception of what actually constitutes a bogan has been shaped over the years primarily by the media; notable especially are television programs such as Channel 7's Today Tonight and Channel 9's A Current Affair . These programs regularly feature stories of harrowing boganism- including communities under siege from bogan terrorism, and bogans "rorting the system" in relation to welfare benefits and questionable practices. A number of comedy programs have also featured bogans in the past, prime examples being Kylie Mole of The Comedy Company, Poida (bogan pronunciation of the name "Peter") played by Eric Bana, and more recently Bloke Man of the Comedy Inc late shift. Eric Bana's portrayal of the character Poida gained him accolades within the industry and effectively launched his professional acting career. This is one of very few examples of extreme boganism leading to success & wealth.

So now we have a basic understanding of the bogan, we may delve further into the mysterious world of mullets and long-kneck beer bottles in brown paper bags. Traits of the bogan can be summarised by the following points:

• A pronounced lack of dress sense in social situations. Typical bogan attire consists of a flannelette shirt, King Gee stubbie shorts (either blue/khaki), torn or soiled jeans from the 1980's or earlier, and of course double-plug standard issue white thong sandals with black rubber. A bogan's dress sense is not influenced by intended destination/occasion hence the line between workwear and formal wear is often hazy at best. On rare occasions bogans may be spotted wearing enclosed shoes when entering the local RSL to "have a slap on the pokies" or to "get pissed wif me mates on the veebs (VB)". A female bogan will usually wear a matching ensemble usually consisting of second-hand fashions or products purchased from the discount retail chains Best and Less or Big W.

• A lack of personal hygiene. A bogan will often allow his/her hair to grow into an attractive style named the "mullet" as popularised in the 1980's. A hair cut is a rare event for the bogan, and most styling occurs when the razor is brought out to either a) produce a "skinhead" style cut or b) a "frullet" (front-mullet). Similar styles apply for females, however the female bogan frequently colours her hair auburn. The bogan bathroom usually contains a bar of multi-purpose soap used to both cleaning the family, washing the hair, styling the hair and manicures/pedicures. Whilst most non-bogans will use Eau de Toilette spray as a perfume, the most common boganistic fragrance is "Odour of Toilet". The bogan frequently rosters showers at irregular intervals such as once a week for males and twice for females.

• Distinct vocabulary. The bogan language is somewhat foreign to most English-speaking people. For example in boaglish, the word "shooting" would be pronounced as "shootun". Similarly, the word "look out" is pronounced as "look eet". The boaglish alphabet does not contain the letters "i" or "g", hence the pronunciation of words containing the suffix -ing are simply pronounced -un. Examples include "rootun" (rooting), "fishun" (fishing) and the common phrase "where's me fuckun beer woman" (what is the current location of my alcoholic beverage dearest female partner). The boaglish vocabulary is mostly limited to frequent curse-words and miss-pronunciation of common English words. A common bogan trait also includes shortening words. Locations such as the Wyong Leagues Club become the "leaguesy", the Crown Casino becomes the "leaguesy" and females/males such as Sharon/Barry become "Shaz" and "Baz".

• A particular choice in motor vehicle. The bogan usually drives one of two makes of vehicle. Typically this is either a Holden or a Ford . Common bogan variants manufactured by each of these companies include the Holden Commodore (VB-VP models), Holden Kingswood and the Ford Falcon (all models up to the recent EF). Other well known bogan vehicles include early model Datsuns and Toyotas . Bogan accessories include anything HSV/HRT for Holdens, and FPV/FTR for Fords. These vehicles tend to be more prevalent on the roads whilst the V8 supercar races are being held. Drivers often attempt to imitate in heavy traffic their heroes Skaifey (Mark Skaife) and Ambrose (Marcos Ambrose). Bogan vehicles are rarely detailed, and are serviced even less frequently. Most bogan drivers hold animosity towards imported vehicles "farken rice" and are still bitter that the Nissan Skyline beat the Holden and Ford racing teams at Bathurst in the early 90's. Consequently, many bogans believe their VN Commodore has the ability to beat anything with the badge "Ferrari", "Nissan", "BMW M3" or "Pagani". Click here for examples of bogan vehicles.

• Choice in music. The bogan prefers either metal or pub rock. A bogan would suggest that the song Khe Sanh by Cold Chisel would be a more appropriate national anthem than Advance Australia Fair. AC/DC is also a popular choice. Anything Barnesy. Midnight Oil is another classic example of the bogan genre.

• Employment status. The common bogan is either a) not employed or b) a tradesman/labourer. A bogan employee can be spotted kitted up in a fluorescent vest or polo shirt. Unemployed bogans often frequent RSL's/clubs for discount lunches during the day, before continuing on to the local Centrelink office to receive the hard-earned cash of the tax-paying public. This will be followed by a journey to the most convenient bottle shop ("bottlo") to purchase 2x24 cartons ("slabs") of Victoria Bitter ("Veebs") for $60. Also included in this purchase is the all-important packet of Winfield Reds ("Smokes"). The rest of this pension money is budgeted towards the "pokies" at the local pub.

• A poorly-maintained house or unit. As previously mentioned, the bogan often resides in regions of a lower socio-economic standing. Basically, in most cases the bogan is located some way inland from a coastal fringe or major waterway. In the case of Sydney, this has lead to the term "westie" being coined in order to distinguish the boganistic population of the inland western suburbs from the more affluent residents of the east. In the case of NSW/QLD and Victoria, the majority of bogans are located on or west of the Great Dividing Range. Whilst this is not always the case, it is important to note that the concentration of bogans per capita is somewhat higher in these areas. The bogan house usually consists of a number of elements (see below):

1.The bedroom (for rootun).
2.The balcony (for smokun/shootun).
3.The livun room (for watchun telly/smokun/gettun pissed).
4.The kitchen (for storun beer).
5.The combined bathroom/laundry (for washun s**t) .
6.The shed (for rootun/smokun/shootun/gettun pissed/storun beer/workun on the commo).
All-in-all the bogan is seen as a top bloke by his mates, but is a menace to the rest of society. Our bogan awareness campaign aims to expose the secrets of the bogan by delving into previously uncharted territory.... n s**t

It's easy to make fun of people that are different to you.

The Scottish equivalent of the 'Chav' is the 'Ned'. Obvious difference is the 'dialect'. Even those accustomed to hearing broad Scots accents will have difficulty recognising this as a language at all.

oi blud i finds that offensive im a chav u dissin me ye? i com roiund an knock u up ye? im gettin all my mates an kick ur head in

Meh. Chavs are nothing compared to Amuhriken Juggalos. From Canadialand and the US both.




That being said, I applaude the OP tremendously. I haven't been made to laugh so much on WP in quite a while. Probably since an old friend of mine was banned. But I shan't talk of him