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I didn't even mention those, since.. it just makes no sense to me and i see it as a subtle almost unconscious hatred of aspergers or "difference"

Past journal entries

"9-8-2017 Entry

Unlearning is work as well.

8-14-2017 Entry

"The one thing I've learned; a lot of things are very controlled. When it comes to answering questions, and because I went through what I went through, being open is the best way because in the end, what is always comes out. What isn't always comes out. If you're not what you are, it will always come out and I learned my lesson the hard way."— Fabrice Morvan[

8-5-2017 Entry

In response to someone saying ~'..when men cry they need help..', someone said 'Let's not try to keep that stereotype alive’.

8-3-2017 Entry

[..]

Here's to not 'losing concern' with 'hyperlocalism' (city of Hamilton--customers) or sight of what 'professional development' means to me (art industry eventually(?)), not the least b/c of privileges like 'factors within a safety net'.[/trigger]

8-3-2017 Entry

[..]

I remind myself how 'philosophical anarchism' could make 'organizational studies' 'more palatable' while not risking a possible diminishment of being apolitical..


8-1-2017 Entry

by sidetrack on Tue Aug 01, 2017 5:17 pm

Not only 'my own best friend' when working.

Re: I have no friends..~

by 0pazpaz » Sun Jun 11, 2017 8:38 pm

0pazpaz wrote:If I listen to myself, the things I say to myself would I say to a friend?.

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[Not] being fair to myself.


http://www.psychforums.com/online-journ ... 96580.html

8-1-2017 Entry

[trigger]A part of me thinks this; if sugar (like in the pie I can think of) has a similar effect on the brain like cocaine (like pornography does), "neurons which wire together fire together" being a factor, I would like to 'control' the neurochemical flow in a way by 'releasing' it or 'letting it emerge' in a way not unlike something which had a powerful 'grip' on me--an addiction to pornography. Hence,imo, the neurochemical release similar to using cocaine is 'rerouted' to something which I have issues with in a different way (consuming unhealthy food).

I express myself like this in part b/c I am still not employed and have realized how I cannot transition as I would like to.

Show about body painting being watched by my mom, currently [/trigger]

7-30-2017 Entry

7-22-2017 Entry

[trigger]'Self-motivation'--is there such a thing for me as that given my issues, aside from the arguable 'external locus of control' like religion and religiosity to some extent, somewhat likely a dread-inducing punitive like kind?.[/trigger]


7-22-2017 Entry

I think it is 'fair to say' that a 'fair amount' of the time I did go on pornography was out of boredom.

I think that a 'fair amount' of the time I did go on pornography was out of boredom.

Qualifiably.

7-21-2017 Entry

I'm in a sense 'too prideful' to admit that or express somehow that people might find me 'boring’.

7-20-2017 Entry

Volunteering was okay.


7-6-2017 Entry

[trigger]Anxiety;not to be ashamed of what I am or what I'm not. One thought--me not working and explaining myself to someone I might be date. Wondering if it would seem 'more appealing' to my family and/or 'make more sense' to say how I would like to work b/c of the possibility of coming off as less than appealing if I am not working and would like to date.[/trigger]

7-5-2017 Entry

[trigger]:| ..considering the connections between aggression and sexuality, at least in terms of 'being on a spectrum of being hormonally fueled, I could see this journal as being an area where what might be regarded say bullying or self-assertion could be brought up[/trigger]

[trigger]Arguably as 'triggering'.. bringing up past instances..[/trigger]

I graduated [6-15-2017]

Pornography addiction has been part of it.



[5-31-2017]

--I started this journal thinking about how stress can be provoked/triggered on a 'snow day' while watching a movie.

--I bring up how 'annoyed'/agitated I was by how long it took to download an accounting program and how long it took until there was a response from the location where I would do a co-op placement, and was distracted by 'wondering around' the internet during the time (at least before(?)) an accounting exam.

--Brought up an instant where I am kind of glad I 'bared' my dad.

--Brought up how school is 'functionally' over for me( ..pondering what 'professional development'means to me though is new 'challenge', dare I say it).

--Brought up how agitated I was by certain Netflix notifications.

--Brought up the fears of 'ripple effects' and how having socialized earlier in the day(/going out to eat with others) and me being in control not the least b/c I would not liked the 'integrity' of such a moment to diminish, kept me from possibly 'going further' in less than favorable way as well feeling that I 'can't stop' when persons ask for money out in public (in part b/c of the 'fear of ripple effects'); steps in coping with/handling guilt--this during a time period in which I was 'weirded out' by how I saw something the week before which I hadn't yet had been able to talk out with someone about.

--What I brought up on Monday, what I brought about the Friday before the weekend and an instant which wasn't quite pleasant; it became 'relieved' yesterday when a case manager regarding social assistance who I saw was not the same person as to who I am assigned but I am thankful for having been there to be able to resolve various issues..not long after I saw someone who I know who is in a way in charge of a social group I am a part of and I am thankful to her for a 'career guidance 'pep' talk' I had with her which helps not the least b/c a person who I typically would speak to that about, I didn't see the day before due to the contingency of what occurred to eyewear which I wear

**..it helps to consider what 'professional development' means to me as an 'extension' of institutional like education and it's undertones of labor investment as well as directing myself towards what is not at odds with mental health issues which I have**--this is significant to me and has only really been around since yesterday afternoon-ish; I think that by around next week I might be wearing different eyewear.

--Today I brought up my thoughts on 'radical honesty' it's connection to 'radical acceptance' (somewhat) the connection to 'authenticity' etc,etc..

---------------it took me a while to arrive somewhere else where I had an appointment regarding a social group of sorts and I'm glad and thankful for the 'help along the way' like from a bus driver.

______________

I have written this, 'mainly' in a with 'chronology' as a priority and yet the 'output', the amount of it attains my attention..it's not quite like I'm 'pondering' like before when the 'attitude' I had was dissimilar from how it's like now.Imo it would 'be more' apparent to me if (once again) I gathered a compilation of 'summaries past' and 'cross-analyzed' or compare and contrasted it to what is more current; just to say, I deleted the 'compilation' I made once

I think that what might be common is how there is an alteration of what productivity and priorities mean to me. The 'soaking up of time' like a sponge is something which is becoming more 'apparent' to me, for instance with me writing this and not even having to say (for lack of a better word) 'pontificate' on the nature of time (by say 'shoehorning' stuff based on an opinion of the movie 'Dr.Strange') or how (as far as I should be 'humanly' or 'functionally' concerned) things could come off as 'pre-deterministic' to a certain chagrin of mine.

---While 'professional development' is a priority for me, I realize that as an adult I 'have a right' of sorts in being able to ' take my time '. Not only b/c of mental health issues but b/c I am no longer a student; a student who is subject to a certain 'flavor' of institutional processing which has almost always been the 'only thing I've known' for almost as 'far as I remember'. Pornography has been part of 'that track'. A legitimate mental health related issue/addiction of sorts which I would like to continue remaining disengaged from.

The part of me which connects to what could be associated as a 'disability'--me being on the autistic spectrum..such, something,something, something will be/ will come out of carving something out of it.

[5-27-2017]

'Radical acceptance'--mindfulness

'Radical honesty'

'Radical honesty' *before* 'radical acceptance'?..

'Radical honesty'--assertion(?)

Assertion--control

Risk of becoming a jerk

'From caring comes courage'~Lao-tzu

...

Self-trust

[5-27-2017]

--I'm going to have to speak to a case manager-- a case manager who specializes with impaired persons--I hate to say this but a gross-to-myself racialized bias or preassumption or such already 'paints' how I think the appointment might go. Pushy, confrontational and all to much a reminder of an ex-crush among other unfavorable instances--not everything can be solved with the physical 'removal of choices' , that is to say 'violence'

---rant potential: how for some respecting other---it's like they are or at least 'feel too fragile' to do that.

--I am not a http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NEET I tell myself; if anything I'm apprehensive to work b/c of the potential pushiness of someone who has 'nothing to lose' upon first meeting. Someone who has no reason to hesitate from a 'scowly face' while my mom is there, thinking 'Aww look at that. She still thinks he's a little boy'.

--Some might 'retain' or withhold anger with facial expressions--among one of the things I do is at times honestly, position the tip of my tongue to touch around the center of the roof of my mouth; b/c it's not like expressions of anger like what 'the Punisher' does during a (~'prison riot'(?)) in season 2 of the Netflix show 'Daredevil' are allowed in real life.

--A case manager, a 'bureaucrat' of sorts has no reason to not act like an uppity dip-shit. I find it curious how the word is (the 'FBI' aside (?)) considered a perjorative before taking into account say political science or sociology. From what I remember and/or understand 'bureaucracies' are somewhat 'sacralized' in Confucianism..like with certain aspects of Daoism, I wouldn't quite expect it to 'catch on' although certain academics f sorts I mentioned once (and Jin Yuelin) spring to my mind.

--After seeing a case manager on Tuesday morning, assuming it doesn't take up more than an hour, I could go speak with someone about how it went. Later on at 2 .p.m. I have an appointment at an employment agency which specializes with persons with impairments.

--I would like to be a inventory clerk--I would like to be a clerk of many kinds---a document clerk or archivist of sorts would be preferable. While I mean to speak with someone on Monday as far as 'framing things' in such a way as to not do something less than relevant to the past ~3 years of office admin related studies like manual labor in a factory (although I think/ hope that in a 'laundry factory' it wouldn't have the image of strenuous hyper-masculinity like a steel plant would ?).

--I see classism--the differentation of subject levels in high school that was classism--I can see now how the way educational instituitions are 'set up' currently it's something of a 'holding pen' for hands of labor---sometimes the pen might 'swell up' and to regulate that, ones which are apparent achievers are released while the rest are retained for a while--the classism, I saw it in the expressions of a receptionist of sort when I tried to clarify what sort of work I would like to do at a temp agency, I see it on the bus drivers whose job in a sense is to 'carry out' making sure that 'everything is temporary'--the physical displacement of persons--~'literal classism' I remember reading in a 'cracked.com photoplasty'--it now make sense to me like after the ~2 weeks of co-op placement--how such dillweed like 'attitudes] and/or personalities can be retained so long after high school--and '[i]anarchism' an arguable counter-balance; imo the internet being an element of it.

--Asperger's syndrome--first time actually working 'incoming'--I have typed while deeply annoyed by how a frame of my glasses partially stripped off after my shirt 'barely 'grazed' "-___- when I was changing clothes after arriving home last night. My mom would still like to be involved in decisions I make like purchasing eyewear.

--More than intimacy/a relationship or even learning to drive, I would like to live on my own--a step I have in mind towards 'independence’.

[4-29-2017]

..school is "functionally" over for me..

[4-14-2017]

~20 minutes ago, my dad dropped me off at home before he went to proceed to see other people. We both went to a church service/Mass together; an achievement to me. Concerning myself with whether my choices and/or conduct could have improved while being around someone who I am not always keen on spending time with and even dread at times. Etc,etc,etc.

[3-14-2017]

Seeing as how there is a 'thread(?)' called 'Feeling Suicidal?' which is now locked, I think that I am not the only one who thinks that pornography related issues can provoke a sort of 'maximalistic stress'--I had made such a posting near the end of the year.

Watching 'Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind'--reminding myself not to take things too seriously; that's a skill. Etc,etc,etc--not really looking forward to talking about co-op placement and graduating is something on my mind. Maybe another time I'll be here.

"

Honestly, I wished I lived among a great deal of autistic people from a neighborhood or community standpoint in a rather general sense;somehow, I feel like one of few autistic citizens living in my township.

I have not had the opportunity to see Mission Impossible: Fallout, but every Tuesday, a movie theater by my school sells tickets for only $6 because every Tuesday is a discount day.

"There are classes you can take for florist work, and you can do a degree in creative writing. Why not do those?"

...

because I'm a rebellious, ungrateful brat?

Is it your parents? Dealing with them can be so tough..

It's actually advice from a friend.

On the topic of parents, Mum wants me to take online university courses. I want nothing to do with them.

^At least they can't force you. If it helps, i got a law degree and it turned out to be useless since i didn't take my AS into consideration at all.

^But I usually just give into things anyway...

I want to stay firm on this matter, though. *sigh*

Tastes great for today, tastes great every way, can't get enough... of The Stuff!

I watched that a few days ago, and the gosh-dang song is still stuck in my head.

Nights............

f**k him
i hate him.


i hate him so much. end me.

Huh? What's up Kip?

Bye Emuparadise.

For now. Hopefully.

Cinema is a fun word. People should use it more often!

Welcome back, Lillikoi!