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Decision: Stopping going back or 'modifying' the anti-pornography website I have been on, cold turkey.

..difficult as it is, the remainder of ssssooo much guilt, jacka---- past who became demons, lack of socialization seemingly forever b/c of autism, dismal job prospects etc means I can live with one less pressure.

Deadly dopamine drainage and OCD triggered: ripple effects of being threatened somehow again today.

There is such a thing as a healthy relationship with nudity...and my mental health makes me too impatient for art education....the 'labour', the effort is too f---g much and point towards my attention span issue..I wish I could be addicted to art with less damage to my health than pornography.

I don't know how many 'feminist points' have been deducted from me..I would just like to remain healthy.

I was almost blocked from this website and what would make me healthier is if someone actually responded to my posting d--- it.

I am going to try not to wallow in fear to much. I refuse to stop exercising.

I need attention.

So much time misspent...so much time forcibly misspent...the fear of the war-zones of school and 'scrounging' by instead of learning in a full embrace without guilt or shame at anytime without ugly, scowly, indifferent teacher faces..I wonder if that could veer to my concept of 'heaven'.

The ignorant, taking for granted the struggle against vertical mosaic classist horror anti-intellectual words like 'nerd', 'geek', 'dork' etc words may-they-burn-in-a-pit be d----d when I say that I like Jorge Luis Borges concept of heaven.

I am going to try to not kick myself to hard for eating unhealthy food..
___

Even if your godless that doesn't mean that following 'perfection' will be any less painful.

All-caring=mysticism.

The h-- is beauty; based on impartiality than aesthetics is how I like it.

Can't decide whether self-punishment/'justice' for the horror and misery I contributed via watching pornography is more important than merely not self-destructing/self-harming/beating myself up for it; admitted emotional masochist.

I am in a safe place.

^Yes you are.

A reason for why I was ‘spilling seed’ yesterday was b/c of a fatalism to ‘cave in sooner’ than before the penultimate week of the month when I will be working jobs which I am sort of afraid of.
___

Are the *specific thoughts* which will bounce through my head inevitable even if I do have free will?…do I have control over them?…language potential aside, the emergence of it is arguably neurologically based…I don’t have that sort of ‘attune-ness’ yet (meditation)..



https://izquotes.com/quote/marcel-prous ... ity-349612



https://www.deviantart.com/vitaminv/art ... e-60503053

Last edited by sidetrack on 14 Oct 2018, 11:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

Today is a weird day indeed.

Someone gave me four bottles of CBT today.

"Stories never end, not even in death."

I started chatting with this guy on a dating website. We have not gone out yet but he is the only guy i've really liked in a long time and when I like someone I can usually tell quite fast even before we meet. We share a lot of common interests and I think he may be a bit hard to get, he's kind of nerdy though so we click quite well. I am very nervous as I have no idea how to flirt, a friend of mine made me say one thing to him that apparently counts as flirty and he reacted very positive to it. I wish I knew how to flirt myself, I have no idea what counts as clingy/weird and how you show someone you like them in a normal way and that is why I stick to talking to even men I like in a friendly, correct manner and then they usually think that I don't like them and even ask if i'm interested in them at all which has happened many times. I think this must be an aspie thing as flirting, like other social skills, comes naturally to most people especially women. Sighs

^Hope it works out for you.

Clingy is when someone doesn't give you any space, wants to constantly know what you are doing, is overly affectionate and desperate. They live and breath you, essentially.

Good luck!

"I feel...cold..."

I cannot tell if the following link is about hellish or strangely heavenly things, it is postings from people who grew up in families where they had unusual ways of doing things, and as kids they didn't realise how odd these things were
https://www.metafilter.com/176502/We-do ... rcumstance

Lol I kinda loved that. My family does some of those things. Like, we never reuse towels and I wear different pajamas every night and stuff. (Clearly we had a lot of laundry lol)
My weird thing I typically use for my family is that we call the TV remote the 'Flipeedoo'. I literally did not know that wasnt what it was called till I was in high school.

I hate arguments.

A tiny amount of snow fell here today.

Yes, it's arthritis...