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03 Feb 2019, 8:17 pm
03 Feb 2019, 8:21 pm
I just finished writing a poem 
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 8:31 pm
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I just finished writing a poem
How many bars? I think I put together about 200 or so, in total.
imma savage, like a f****n' apex predator; if you wanna go to war
i'll bring a vendetta that'll leave yah deader than dead, three shots to the head
i'm hungry, maybe you got money god, but i ain't got f****n' s**t
imma anthrophage, literally imma cannibal, they'll find your teeth inside mah f****n' s**t
Goes with this beat:
Last edited by funeralxempire on 03 Feb 2019, 8:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
03 Feb 2019, 8:37 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I just finished writing a poem
How many bars? I think I put together about 200 or so, in total.
i'm hungry, maybe you got money god, but i ain't got f****n' s**t
imma anthrophage, literally imma cannibal, they'll find your teeth inside mah f****n' s**t
Goes with this beat:
It's nothing special. Here it is though.
The Cardinal and the Blue Jay
I am the gentle cardinal
With feathers as red as Christ's blood
I sing my cheerful song
As I inspire the world with love
I am the energetic blue jay
With feathers as blue as the sky or sea
I defend my nests very proudly
Fighting all who come to provoke me
A coat of blue, or a coat of red
Both our beaks are hard and sharp
Until after the war, once we are both dead
Our songs replaced by an angel's harp
funeralxempire
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Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 8:44 pm
RoseThorn13 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I just finished writing a poem
How many bars? I think I put together about 200 or so, in total.
i'm hungry, maybe you got money god, but i ain't got f****n' s**t
imma anthrophage, literally imma cannibal, they'll find your teeth inside mah f****n' s**t
Goes with this beat:
It's nothing special. Here it is though.
The Cardinal and the Blue Jay
I am the gentle cardinal
With feathers as red as Christ's blood
I sing my cheerful song
As I inspire the world with love
I am the energetic blue jay
With feathers as blue as the sky or sea
I defend my nests very proudly
Fighting all who come to provoke me
A coat of blue, or a coat of red
Both our beaks are hard and sharp
Until after the war, once we are both dead
Our songs replaced by an angel's harp
I like it, I like the imagery quite a bit.
If it were mine, I'd reword a section slightly (not that this is inherently an improvement, but it suits my flow better)
I am the energetic blue jay**
With feathers as blue as the sky or sea**
I'll defend my nest most fearless and profoundly**
Fighting all who come near it so proudly**
** (unless the first line slurs as 'gee', otherwise split the difference, with 'jae' and 'sae' -lae and -lae)
I hope you don't mind, I'm used to doing this (or having it done to mine) within 'cyphers'.
03 Feb 2019, 8:48 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I just finished writing a poem
How many bars? I think I put together about 200 or so, in total.
i'm hungry, maybe you got money god, but i ain't got f****n' s**t
imma anthrophage, literally imma cannibal, they'll find your teeth inside mah f****n' s**t
Goes with this beat:
It's nothing special. Here it is though.
The Cardinal and the Blue Jay
I am the gentle cardinal
With feathers as red as Christ's blood
I sing my cheerful song
As I inspire the world with love
I am the energetic blue jay
With feathers as blue as the sky or sea
I defend my nests very proudly
Fighting all who come to provoke me
A coat of blue, or a coat of red
Both our beaks are hard and sharp
Until after the war, once we are both dead
Our songs replaced by an angel's harp
I like it, I like the imagery quite a bit.
If it were mine, I'd reword a section slightly (not that this is inherently an improvement, but it suits my flow better)
I am the energetic blue jay**
With feathers as blue as the sky or sea**
I'll defend my nest most fearless and profoundly**
Fighting all who come near it so proudly**
** (unless the first line slurs as 'gee', otherwise split the difference, with 'jae' and 'sae' -lae and -lae)
I hope you don't mind, I'm used to doing this (or having it done to mine) within 'cyphers'.
I don't mind at all. I'll keep that sort of thing in mind as I work on my other poems.
03 Feb 2019, 8:52 pm
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 9:00 pm
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I don't mind at all. I'll keep that sort of thing in mind as I work on my other poems.
It certainly depends on what exactly you're using them for; I've been writing for a mix tape, so for hip-hop verses I need to be very aware of the way the stressed vs. unstressed syllables breathe, as well as vowel harmony (basically relying on the same few as much as possible), in order to be able to deliver them effectively without tripping over my tongue constantly. With a bit of practice (in general, not of this piece) I can get through something like this, even on the first read.
maybe i just never grew up and i'm a little screwed-up,
and not just from all the pills that i chewed up,
ritalin, vicodan and dozen that I ain't even got a clue what
maybe that's why i keep puking all this blue stuff?
ever since i hatched i've been nasty like something your dog threw-up
growing up i'm surprised i never blew up,
slashed the tires on the Drage's new truck or
grabbed mah trenchcoat and strap, shot the entire f****n' school-up
humanity is clueless, i'd be locked away if they knew what
lessons were impressed upon me as a youth - huh
never make threats that are toothless,
an' if you say it, act on it - completely f****n' ruthless
like Oskar Gröning wretching out grandpa's gold tooth and
now i strap kevlar beneath the 'lo goose and
when i'm the booth, i speak only truth but
time to end this verse, i'm out of breath like from a noose - uhh *gasping noise*
blooiejagwa wrote:
I am a very bitter person sometimes
Me too, that's why I'm writing a mixtape, it's a fact. Rhymicidal on the mic, I'm serial killing tracks.
03 Feb 2019, 9:02 pm
03 Feb 2019, 9:03 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I don't mind at all. I'll keep that sort of thing in mind as I work on my other poems.
It certainly depends on what exactly you're using them for; I've been writing for a mix tape, so for hip-hop verses I need to be very aware of the way the stressed vs. unstressed syllables breathe, in order to be able to deliver them effectively without tripping over my tongue constantly. With a bit of practice (in general, not of this piece) I can get through something like this, even on the first read.
maybe i just never grew up and i'm a little screwed-up,
and not just from all the pills that i chewed up,
ritalin, vicodan and dozen that I ain't even got a clue what
maybe that's why i keep puking all this blue stuff?
ever since i hatched i've been nasty like something your dog threw-up
growing up i'm surprised i never blew up,
slashed the tires on the Drage's new truck or
grabbed mah trenchcoat and strap, shot the entire f****n' school-up
humanity is clueless, i'd be locked away if they knew what
lessons were impressed upon me as a youth - huh
never make threats that are toothless,
an' if you say it, act on it - completely f****n' ruthless
like Oskar Gröning wretching out grandpa's gold tooth and
now i strap kevlar beneath the 'lo goose and
when i'm the booth, i speak only truth but
time to end this verse, i'm out of breath like from a noose - uhh *gasping noise*
blooiejagwa wrote:
I am a very bitter person sometimes
Me too, that's why I'm writing a mixtape, it's a fact. Rhymicidal on the mic, I'm serial killing tracks.
Mine are just a hobby, a way of expressing my negative thoughts and painful feelings about all kinds of things that bother me like war for example.
03 Feb 2019, 9:04 pm
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 9:10 pm
RoseThorn13 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I don't mind at all. I'll keep that sort of thing in mind as I work on my other poems.
It certainly depends on what exactly you're using them for; I've been writing for a mix tape, so for hip-hop verses I need to be very aware of the way the stressed vs. unstressed syllables breathe, in order to be able to deliver them effectively without tripping over my tongue constantly. With a bit of practice (in general, not of this piece) I can get through something like this, even on the first read.
maybe i just never grew up and i'm a little screwed-up,
and not just from all the pills that i chewed up,
ritalin, vicodan and dozen that I ain't even got a clue what
maybe that's why i keep puking all this blue stuff?
ever since i hatched i've been nasty like something your dog threw-up
growing up i'm surprised i never blew up,
slashed the tires on the Drage's new truck or
grabbed mah trenchcoat and strap, shot the entire f****n' school-up
humanity is clueless, i'd be locked away if they knew what
lessons were impressed upon me as a youth - huh
never make threats that are toothless,
an' if you say it, act on it - completely f****n' ruthless
like Oskar Gröning wretching out grandpa's gold tooth and
now i strap kevlar beneath the 'lo goose and
when i'm the booth, i speak only truth but
time to end this verse, i'm out of breath like from a noose - uhh *gasping noise*
blooiejagwa wrote:
I am a very bitter person sometimes
Me too, that's why I'm writing a mixtape, it's a fact. Rhymicidal on the mic, I'm serial killing tracks.
Mine are just a hobby, a way of expressing my negative thoughts and painful feelings about all kinds of things that bother me like war for example.
Same, largely. It's just once I had enough I figured I might as well learn to say them over some dark, gritty boom-bap style tracks and hope that maybe I'll get good enough that I can stop going to mind-numbing jobs I hate. Of course if that happened I wouldn't have anything to write about anymore.
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 9:11 pm
blooiejagwa wrote:
YOU are a GREat writer keep at it
Which one of us, or all of the above?
03 Feb 2019, 9:12 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
I don't mind at all. I'll keep that sort of thing in mind as I work on my other poems.
It certainly depends on what exactly you're using them for; I've been writing for a mix tape, so for hip-hop verses I need to be very aware of the way the stressed vs. unstressed syllables breathe, in order to be able to deliver them effectively without tripping over my tongue constantly. With a bit of practice (in general, not of this piece) I can get through something like this, even on the first read.
maybe i just never grew up and i'm a little screwed-up,
and not just from all the pills that i chewed up,
ritalin, vicodan and dozen that I ain't even got a clue what
maybe that's why i keep puking all this blue stuff?
ever since i hatched i've been nasty like something your dog threw-up
growing up i'm surprised i never blew up,
slashed the tires on the Drage's new truck or
grabbed mah trenchcoat and strap, shot the entire f****n' school-up
humanity is clueless, i'd be locked away if they knew what
lessons were impressed upon me as a youth - huh
never make threats that are toothless,
an' if you say it, act on it - completely f****n' ruthless
like Oskar Gröning wretching out grandpa's gold tooth and
now i strap kevlar beneath the 'lo goose and
when i'm the booth, i speak only truth but
time to end this verse, i'm out of breath like from a noose - uhh *gasping noise*
blooiejagwa wrote:
I am a very bitter person sometimes
Me too, that's why I'm writing a mixtape, it's a fact. Rhymicidal on the mic, I'm serial killing tracks.
Mine are just a hobby, a way of expressing my negative thoughts and painful feelings about all kinds of things that bother me like war for example.
Same, largely. It's just once I had enough I figured I might as well learn to say them over some dark, gritty boom-bap style tracks and hope that maybe I'll get good enough that I can stop going to mind-numbing jobs I hate. Of course if that happened I wouldn't have anything to write about anymore.
Now you know how Eminem feels lol
funeralxempire
Veteran
Joined: 27 Oct 2014
Age: 40
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 30,238
Location: Right over your left shoulder
03 Feb 2019, 9:19 pm
03 Feb 2019, 9:24 pm
funeralxempire wrote:
RoseThorn13 wrote:
Now you know how Eminem feels lol
I wonder if he worried about that back circa '99.
I've never liked songs about partying or money, whether it's rock, hip-hop, whatever. I seem to like most music that gritty and dark and nihilistic, whether it's boom-bap or crust punk or death metal or industrial or horrorcore, etc.
The only good thing about a mind-numbing menial job is it gives me lots of time to focus on and pick apart aspects of language; I'm kinda obsessed with linguistics and that usually fuels my need to write, whether it's rhymes or prose. I've got a novel that I'm slowing adding to as well, but it's on the back-burner for now.
That's cool that's you're working on a novel. I might try a short story myself someday.
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