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Give me a mullet or give me death.

A bird in the bush is worth two in the hand.

No Buses running in my city because of the snow

Thinking about past stuff when brush cutting just then, which led to criminal justice, then private detective classes (yes, I was going to be a private detective as I didn't want to become a cop), then some bad life stuff (my baptism of fire), then whatever detective cases I have floating around in my head, and one of them had some recent kerfuffle:

Tyrrell. The foster parents would always be up on the totem of suspects, and my sister long ago when I spoke to her, figured "accidental" death and them covering it up due to the hilarity of it all (dogs only getting a hit in the yard, how close everyone involved was in vicinity of one another, the "cars" which were only seen by the mother and could be entirely fictional and so on). That always had a decent chance of being the case. I'll give it to her though if that's the case. I got Morcombe. She did justice too. I mentioned last time in this thread when I brought it up (yes, my memory), I still think the search in the woods behind the home was too small when you look at the search maps they released. Kids can go amazingly far, and it's possible that happened and his bones are still out there. This has happened numerous times before and some bush walker comes upon the bones off into the future, but that area doesn't really look like where people would do such (outside of morons like me). My sister is probably right though. I guess I'm biased as I was interested in finding missing people in the wilderness. My sister isn't dumb.

It is really cold here again.

you don't like asking for help
you find yourself in one-sided relationships with people (which to be fair, is better than the other one that happens and that's a psychopath or narcissist latching on and abusing you)
you don't feel like you deserve what you want
you blame yourself for everything
you're selfless
you fear you're a narcissist
you hate attention and compliments, and anything you've achieved you hide or make excuses for why you did
you don't think you're anything special
you tend to give more than you receive

It's looking into a mirror. It should be its own personality disorder IMO (this is the other extreme of a narcissist).

The Baofeng with whip, brand new satchel and bum bag made this one obvious (funny how the "biker" had everything new too). I should probably let the local cop know, but there's not much actionable there. The new boots and jeans, fancy watch and sunnies, are a nice touch too. All that gear and some random autistic loser gets you. Methinks I will start keeping more of an eye out, as I think it's been happening more frequently than I've discovered.

I always suspected something was up with that neighbor, as did my mother. I suspected the worst, but I guess that hunch found something.

Glass wall effect feels heavy lately. Could be circumstantial but I am just so tired of feeling like I’m on the outside looking in. I don’t actually expect that will ever change. Living with it for decades generally produces a numbness. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have the awareness or knowledge that I do.

I've been circling the periphery of life all the same. There's some positives, as you see things that most will miss as they're under its spell, and even if socially stunted, you also see things others will miss within that social context, which can be useful. Even within that circle, I'm still outside of it. As a young man (20 or so), it saved me. As an older man (40 or so), it makes you feel powerless compared to that spell, and it's a lonesome circumference you walk. Numbness comes and goes, and it feels good when it's there for me. It's mostly pain and suffering. Maybe it's better to be normal, at least when it comes to my pain and suffering as that wouldn't be there, but maybe not in other ways, as I wouldn't be here.

That's my solitary experience of looking inside from outside.

That'll be close enough, and it'll go down to the individual level too. It's why you feel powerless against life within that circle, the circle, but also misunderstood, at the individual level, as the individual within that circle still makes the collective. Time and time again, throughout each decade, it's always the same.

You see things, and maybe being able to see things, is a gift worthwhile. People don't like that you do, but maybe that's just a reflection that goes both ways, showing one another the truth of it all, and neither wants to see it in the end, as we'll always be powerless against it. Easier to go along with it all if you're capable.

Incapable, and you don't really have a choice, so you walk outside.

(I haven't slept for three nights now. )

It's definitely a gift. A painful one, but better than living in a fantasy. Here's another way of looking at it, from Knots by R.D. Laing:

So many magazines in the bookstore. That is good.