Post something that made you UNHAPPY today.

Post Reply New Topic

nothing.

Manchester United's FA Cup victory.

That I noticed seeing the another job posting for the position I already applied for just today which, causes me to wonder if the corporation has already made their decision, I simply do not know though due to certain factors, I feel they already have.

Scratches on Hermie

nothing yet.

i just can't get my nose out of my head. as much as i try, i can not ignore it.
the more i think about it the more i am aware of it and it gives me the s**ts.
there is nothing wrong with my nose because it does not feel any different than it always did, but my attention is focused to a high degree of magnification on it.
i ....just have to forget focusing on my nose.
it is much easier said than done.
bloody hell it annoys me. it is still there. i can not stop the neurons in my face firing information into my brain about my nose. how do i forget about it?

It feels lovely having my personal safety concerns dismissed as irrational.

nothing.

nothing yet.

Nothing!

if they are dismissed by a trusted authority, then it could be a relief i guess. when i had a skipping heartbeat for a few months, i was convinced my heart was going to go into an atrial fibrillation and i would die before i could even get to the phone to call an ambulance.
my blood pressure monitor showed the symbol of a "shaking heart" every time i monitored it (every few hours), and when i felt my throat pulse, every 4th beat was skipped.
eventually i reported it to a doctor and he gave me a cardiogram, and whilst he noted that my heart was skipping beats, he assured me that all the waves looked normal and i had nothing to worry about. it felt lovely having my fear dismissed.
i am unsure of why it makes you unhappy now i come to think of it, so i guess you mean something else.

my eye dryness is returning in waves that hit me when i least expect it.

anyway, onto my nose.
i can feel a dull sort of pressure or something in my para nasal sinuses, and if it is cancer, i will be devastated.
i constantly feel my teeth to see if any of them are loose. i read that a sudden loosening of a few adjacent teeth can indicate cancer of the gums or wherever is associated (maxillary or mandibular cancers for example).
none of my teeth are yet loose, but every time i check them, i am terrified that some will now be loose, so it is with trepidation that i palpate my teeth and gums, only to be relieved temporarily that that is not yet the case.
i check them every hour or so (insane i know), so it is possible that i may have caused my gums to be tender due to the continued irritation from my pressing fingers, and that the focus of my mind on that sensation seems to spread it all through my face as i visualize a looming mass growing in there.

so when i typed "nasal cancer" for the first time in google about 6 weeks ago after i felt a small sensitivity inside my right nostril, i decided to click on "images" for a look at them, and to my horror, this one popped up.


my god! so that is a "successful" removal of the nasal cancer hey? that is what started my present anxiety trip.

i am too scared to go to a doctor to have it assessed because it could be nothing or it could be sinister.

if i have to have my face scooped out like that to survive, then apart from the aesthetic shock (not vitally important to me), there is also the tactile sensory shock of having cold dry air circulating around the inside of my face, which all my life has been cradled in the soft fleshy enclosure it is in, but more importantly, the loss of stereoscopic vision which would drive me utterly insane.
i tried to shut one eye for about ten minutes to see if i could adjust to it, and i could not stand it. the strain on my open eye made it ache, and all sense of depth was gone.

i read a story then about a woman who had to have an eye removed.
she always wanted to go to the grand canyon to experience the yawning enormity of it, and she finally was able to go there after her eye removal, and she did not expect it, but she said the experience was so disappointing, it made her aware of just how much she had lost. she said it looked like a flat photo and she got nothing from the experience that she could not have seen with one eye in a book.

if a doctor tells me i have to have such an operation, i will want to die and go to belgium to be put to sleep.

so, if i do have to have such an operation, then it is likely that i could go for three more months without knowing that, and i am at present not freaking out that i certainly have facial cancer at the moment. i am merely extremely anxious that i might have it.

it is better to live in anxiety for 3 more months than to start living in utter terror from tomorrow if i go to the doctor now and have my worst fears confirmed.

it is unlikely. of the symptoms, i do not have facial pain, or loose teeth, or pus / blood in my nasal mucus, and i do not have diplopia (double vision due to displaced eye) or any lumps in my neck (local lymph site involvement).....but i do have some sensation there that does not go away!! ! i wish it would.

i think i need anxiety medication and some psychiatric help at the moment, because as soon as it becomes obvious to me that i do not have what i fear (for example if it has not progressed into serious and undeniable symptoms after 6 months), i become worried about something else that i sense, and that then conflates to a whole new saga of anxiety laden research and speculation and self palpation and attention magnification etc etc.
it is hell.

it stops me from appreciating how lucky i really am to have a house when i wake up on a sunny morning with no obligations and freedom to do as i please.
instead, i wake up and immediately check to see how the "symptoms" have progressed from when i went to sleep, and i can not stop the self analysis all day.

maybe it would do me well to accustom myself to the reality of dying and to feel more comfortable about it. everyone dies one day.

at the moment it seems to me that it is permanent destruction of everything i am, and that i will not experience another second in the never ending span of time ahead.
to be "still forever" makes my sense of claustrophobia go wild.

too much time to think can result in mental "feedback" (like acoustic feedback) when you think so much and never talk to anyone.

My college just emailed me that I can no longer speed up due to not being able to finish all the assignments on time and having to pay extra study taxes.

I have a lot of stuff to say about this but I'm having such a fun week that I am gonna leave it behind me until after the event.

nothing.

I keep falling asleep in the daytime, which can be ascribed to the medication I am taking.