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I'm having doubt's whether we're really talking to who we think we are? Some of the things you said left me clueless, while others felt like a kick to the chest.

I have a hard time believing that you ever really liked me at all. Most of the time I've known you, you've been disdainful of me. You insulted me, mocked me, ridiculed me. I really don't know of any quality you might appreciate in me. You were never really nice to me at all until I was totally broken down and vulnerable. It seemed like that was the only way you wanted me to be. You were sympathetic, but it was so clear, you didn't believe me. How could I be with someone who thought I was so wrong about things?

If I ever made you feel disrespected you should have spoken up. I could say many things that I admire about you. Realistically speaking I could also say you do things that really irk me, but you know what those things are what makes you. I want you to be yourself, that’s it -Whether you feel like you need to be a sassy b**** or just a goofball, whatever. Maybe you need to ask what you want for yourself, what kind of person do you want to be? I know you have struggled trying to find your place in life, you know what I was broken and vulnerable, naive…pretty much unsure about everything too. I didn’t think you were wrong, I just didn’t know the answers for myself.


That one phrase...e.s.a.d...I will never forget the day I saw you post that. It felt so cruel and unfair and it really struck me to the core. When we broke up, that phrase was what came back to me, like it was playing on a loop. I felt like I couldn't stop repeating it. I am sorry for saying that to you.

I really don’t remember this…either we’re total strangers or I drowned that memory with alcohol.

I wanted so much to believe you when you said all that was behind us. You seemed so different then, so changed. We were so different with each other. It felt like a miracle. But I had nightmares about us fighting again (you remember the one I told you about?) We had smoothed it all over on the surface, but things never really were resolved.

Both of us never really let go of certain things that upset us. As hard as it is to say, I never trusted you the same and I’m sure it was the same for you. One thing that pushed me over the top was the fact that if it wasn’t someone else talking behind my back I’d hear things come my way that only you knew about.

I felt like I had to avoid certain subjects with you, because our perspectives were so different. I didn't want to argue, and I also didn't want to hear you be, what's the word, conciliatory(?) if I talked about something that I knew you disagreed with. I felt like I couldn't talk to you about things that were really important to me.

You’re right, I didn’t want to be in the position where I felt I was being dishonest or talking to you like a father figure. You’re a grown women, I can’t be there to validate everything you say, especially if I do happen to disagree or simply can’t relate, I’m only me. I apologize that you felt you couldn’t talk to me how you wished, could you take into consideration that only recently have I found out I’m autistic. In hindsight, these problems both of us are complaining about should have been discussed before they became an issue on top of our heads.

I was so confused. I just wasn't sure how you really felt about me. Every time I asked, you flipped out. I did my best to be understanding about it. You seemed like you appreciated that. I found out later you thought I was "controlling" and other such things. Or now I find out, like K said, you tried so many times to break up with me and I wouldn't let you???? what the hell!? I never meant it to be like that.

I have Aspergers, you would have had to ask me directly, without making me feel any pretense that you were going to pick apart my response, etc. questioning the merit of my words. At times I felt like you were being indecisive and were keeping me on the side.

Someone else in this thread wrote recently...who would want to be in a relationship with someone who constantly threatens to break up? I felt like jumping up and cheering in relief when I read that. That was basically what it came down to for me. That, and your decision to go to the group thing, which also came across like a subtle threat to end things.

That was my post you’re referring to, if I wanted to end things I would have told you directly. I can recall many times that you got upset in the middle of a casual conversation and would abruptly storm off; but not without leaving me with a few parting words that really made me question where we really stood at. Sometimes I questioned myself if we were even friends, especially when “mutual friends” became the third wheel in our relationship and knew things before I did. I wanted to get closer to you, instead I felt I had to weigh their baggage on my shoulders too. As much as I tried to avoid it, I was also constantly put in positions where your friends would get upset and tell me your deepest secrets that I felt I had no business knowing. It wasn’t my responsibility to balance out your friendships, how was I supposed to deal with that? You know how bad it hurt me every time you would scream at me saying you hated me or never wanted to see me again, but maybe a week later or sometimes the same day you would reapproach me like nothing happened. I really don’t know what you’re referring to with this group thing.

Those first two times were really nerve-wracking, but understandable. The third time was different. You were really hostile. It seemed like you were going to completely shut me out then. I guess my mistake was that I didn't just allow it to happen. Looking back, and taking into account all the things I've heard since then, I think you already had your mind made up to do it, and it was inevitable. Also, I was beginning to actually feel angry about the way you were treating me, but I didn't feel like I could be open with you about that. I pushed it down.

I never wanted things to reach this point, you have every right to be angry with me. I didn’t want to end things, especially on such a bad note. I really didn’t know how to approach you to resolve our problems. You don’t know how difficult it can be for me to understand you. From what I have learned about you is that you avoid confrontations, I admire that. But…..at a certain point you have to make it known that someone is out of line or else it’s going to become a bigger problem.

At that point I just wanted to keep things on an even keel between us. I've asked myself many times what my real motivations were for that. I have to admit it was partly because I was afraid of you. I was afraid of what you might do if we didn't stay on good terms with each other. But that wasn't the only reason. I had very deep feelings for you and I had always wanted something more between us. If nothing else, a friendship. I wanted to be part of your life.

There was a point where I came to assume you felt scared that I’d smack you around or something, I felt ashamed for something I’d never do, maybe my dark sense of humor I use to approach something on my mind that’s too difficult to talk about. Maybe because I feel like I’m in living my brother’s shadow. You don’t realize how bad it hurt when you asked why I quit drinking and questioned how I really broke my wrist. I felt like you were trying to imply I lost my temper or tried to jump off a bridge, idk. I would of never expected that from you, what exactly were you trying to get out of me by saying that? I tried and failed many times to quit drinking, at least to get to the point where I wasn’t having withdrawals every time I went to sleep. I never felt so alone and isolated, I would only be able to sleep one night out of the week and my work schedule was all over the place. Are you familiar with the sensitivity that an Aspie has when it comes to changes in routines? I really didn’t know how to handle you when you tried confronting me outside of work, I don’t think you had any game plan either. That situation really f****d with my head and I lost my sense of privacy. I withdrew from everyone, is that what pushed you to do that? I remember always seeing you walking by yourself staring at your damn phone. I thought nothing of it at first, I felt that you were just going for a walk minding your own business. But then someone who I can only assume was you yelled at me that one night, saying they needed to talk to me, etc. When I questioned you about this incident you told me I was hearing s**t. In all honesty I don’t hear “s**t”, but I possibly do have what I believe to be Sensory Processing Disorder. You ever notice I ask people to repeat things a lot when I’m focused on something beforehand. I can confirm that I’m not hearing voices in my head, I just have difficulty pinpointing where someone is speaking from when they are talking to me where it’s crowded. As for having feelings for you, I’ve never embarrassed myself this much trying to be open with someone.

When we talked about staying friends, I truly meant it. It would have been bittersweet, maybe heartbreaking, but I would have rather had that than to be totally shut out of your life. I was beginning to fear that you would shut me out permanently, and that was the last thing I wanted. You said once or twice (paraphrasing) it might be best if we kept things as a friendship for the time being. I thought that might take the pressure off.

I was being sincere when we discussed that. What I didn’t take into consideration was that we would still have people meddling in our business; I felt like every other man still looked at me as competition. It didn’t help that I still had feelings for you, if anything the pressure was still there and all it did was make us more distant. I had more obstacles communicating with you because I couldn’t be completely honest with you when it came to certain topics, if I said the wrong thing you’d come back with an explanation that we were only friends. At the same time anything you would say or do was fair game, it was a constant thing where I felt you would use my own feelings against me by saying “but you love me…”; After that how would you expect me not to hide my feelings.

Those last times we spoke, I had been thinking all this over, but I hadn't thought it out fully. I felt anxious and impatient and I didn't know what to do about things. I didn't know what to say. I don't remember what I said, but I probably misspoke. I remember saying, I can't do this anymore. I just wanted a little reassurance. I didn't know how to ask for it. I gave you reassurance whenever I could. I just couldn't always be the one to give it. I felt...I don't know?...like I couldn't ever have a moment of doubt or hesitation around you.

I understand that. I felt anxious, but hopeful that we would possibly work things out. I felt like it was either now or never, that I had to really put everything on the table. Perhaps I jumped the gun and didn’t make my intentions clear. I wasn’t trying to talk down to you or even embarrass you, I really didn’t know how to handle that last conversation. I know it was uncomfortable and I’m sure you had thoughts about bolting out of that door too. Leading up to that point I was feeling overwhelmed. I would get nervous between times we talked to each other, not knowing whether we would even talk again. I felt like I had to balance out in my head things I wanted to tell you versus being prepared that it was going to be over. Sometimes you could be so vague and it was hard to grasp what you really meant at times, I would get scared of starting an argument over nothing. You’re right about it always being you to reach out and patch things up, it’s wasn’t fair by no means.

Did you realize what day it was, and the significance of that?

I’m sorry but I don’t.

What I wouldn't give to go back and change it somehow. You don't know what I HAVE done, to try to understand it and change it. But by the next day, it was already too late.

I’ve been searching for that answer for two years now. I can’t help that other factors in my life have molded me into a different person from who I was when we first met. It seems like my perception of the world has been pulled right from under me, somehow you became my anchor that reminds me who I’m supposed to be. Somewhere along the way I lost myself and I want to regain some sense of self-worth, I’ll have to do that with or without you- I can’t force you to do anything and I wouldn’t want you to stay with me if you would be miserable.