Post something that made you UNHAPPY today.

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I couldn't adult today.

Water tanks ran out not long ago (been little rain).

Had to make a phone call to the water man for a water delivery tomorrow. I don't like the phone. His reception sucked, but I think we were on the same page with who I was.

i woke up at 9 am and opened the back door of the house to let my cat out into the garden to enjoy lying in the sun dappled regions of the yard which was free of wind.
then i went back to bed because i only started to sleep at about 6:30 am, and i was still tired.

then i woke up at 11.50 am and i changed the channel on my ever on bedroom TV to abc to catch the 12 o'clock news whilst i kept my eyes closed (after changing the channel)

it was boring. someone died in a car accident in melbourne and politicians are saying stuff in their campaigns and i went back to sleep.

then i woke up at 1:30 pm and had a dry mouth so i went to the fridge and got out a 600 ml carton of chocolate milk and drank it. then i went back to bed and slept until 3pm which is the time i always force myself to get up and confront the day ahead of me which contains no duties or obligations except for my reorientation into my health anxiety which is a f*****g bummer.

i first felt my teeth by pushing my tongue against them (every one of them individually) whilst pushing against them from the opposite side with my finger to see if any were loose. after a few hair raising moments when i had the illusion that some of them were loose, and discounted the illusion by feeling those teeth minutely from different angles, i then went on to think about whether i had any facial pain. after a while of intensely meditating on the sensations i felt from my facial bones, i decided that there was a vague feeling on the right side of my face that was different from the left side and my pulse then went up 10%.

i looked at my face in the mirror to see if there was any asymmetry, and i saw a small area that may not be noticeable to a normal person, and that area made me worry severely and i googled everything for the rest of the afternoon to research what the hell is going on with that slightly red splotch.

visions of losing my eyes to cancer (how ironic) started to consume me and so i fired up my new game and started to play it (just cause 2), but as i was flying the helicopter top the first destination, i just had to pause it and go through the tooth checking routine again, and then i had to get up and walk around to kind of spend some anxious energy i had. i picked up the mirror again to reevaluate that little spot on the side of the bridge of my nose, and then i remembered that i have many focal points to my health anxiety which have been pushed into the background since my new nose obsession, so i thought i would just cursorily check them again (abdominal girth (liver failure), pitting edema (heart failure), and my blood pressure etc). they were all normal but i still felt somehow dreading of some health situation that will soon befall me and take my satisfactory life away (hardly satisfactory really with this health anxiety).

so i go to the doctor tomorrow (at 4:15pm which is the earliest i can manage to be awake fully) ostensibly to relieve me of worry about my nose, but i must get some medication for this anxiety which is not benzo related as they are not only addictive, but also diminish in their effect with repeated use.

maybe i need anti depressant medication like ssri's but i do not feel sad about anything at all.
i just feel worried.
maybe depression is not just sadness, but a reduced sense of vitality and enthusiasm which can lead to being infected by self injurious thoughts that self perpetuate.

who bloody well knows? i should be so happy that i have a house and everything i want that so many struggling people strive to achieve, but health anxiety just poisons it all.

my mother is so intense.

My sunburn set in overnight and cheeks are on fire. Also some of my anemia markers were positive and I'm deficient in Vit D again.

Still can't remember my old password for my other dern account.

i woke up this morning,
and remembered that everything is f****d,
then i realized that it was my appraisal of it,
that was the only thing that sucked.

so back into my bed
my body i tightly tucked,
and i slept until i could not sleep further....and it is still the same. out there.
it is all mucked up.
and not supposed to rhyme

My stomach is still upset today but not as bad as yesterday & I have some chores I really need to get started on now.

nothing.

My housemates keep on eating my food and consuming my beverages.

This wouldn't be quite so infuriating if they asked, but alas, they do not.

I am worried that they are using my condition to their own advantage. It's almost impossible for me to confront someone about something, which makes me a very easy target to exploit.

I know exactly what you mean, having put up with that kind of crap last year. What I would reccomend keeping your dry goods in your room and under lock and key, and get a mini-fridge to keep your cold and frozen items.

Thanks for the advice.

Coincidentally, I was considering buying a miniature freezer earlier today. I was deterred by their prices though. But perhaps I am being excessively miserly.

Both of my housemates owe me money, too. But it seems more likely that they will ask to 'borrow' more instead of repaying me. And this is in spite of the fact that they both receive more money than me for their respective disabilities/disadvantages.

mother.

I had a colonscopy today and for some reason I hurt all over. Every bone and joint aches not to mention my gut and my butt. I got slight fever of 37.8C. I feel like I've been hit by a bus. Uggh...

Last edited by Noca on 01 Jun 2016, 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Been there...Done that Twice in 5 years and have the photos somewhere from the last time, when they discovered I had colitis. Post procedure I was too far out of it to care about the pain. It's the prep that got me.

I empathize, Noca. They make me sick afterward too.