I confess, this past weekend, I cut my hand, badly, on purpose. This was the first and only time in my entire life when I've done such a thing. The context around why I did so is interesting, I think. I know some others here cut and burn and self injure. I've heard it suggested that this can be considered a type of stimming, which I've found to be an interesting notion.
But in my case, the cause was very different. I had reached a point where I began to doubt reality itself. Lots of things, all lined up in an impossible row, assaulted me from all sides; big things, little things, purposeful things, accidental things, unexpected things, inconceivable things... It was a barrage the likes of which I'd never experienced. I put up a good fight; I blocked, I dodged, I tried to fight back, I fought like hell... But in the end, I was simply overwhelmed, and beaten down. And there came a point, where my mind simply said to me, "This can't be real. This life simply can't be real. All is an illusion..." And in a moment of defeat, I cut my hand, deeply, just to see if I could feel it, just to see what would happen. Ironically I did not hurt at the time; but it does now...
In that tradition, here is a re-enactment of me (played by Morpheus) vs. life (played by Agent Smith) this past weekend.
[youtube]http://youtube.com/watch?v=FZd11gQRZ9s[/youtube]Sometimes even the best of us fall, can be beaten down. I'm better now, and am able to look back and see what happened, at least some of it. My hand will heal. It is good though, good that I will always have a physical scar to remind me... Some things should not be forgotten, lest we repeat missteps already made when we should know better.
_________________
Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, I sometimes forget which side I'm on.