Funny, corny joke thread

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What do you call a baby Swallow?
A Sip.

A woman is concerned because her son is 4 years old and never said a word.
One day she hears him in the kitchen saying “Mom, the toast is burnt”

She rushes in and says “Honey, you’re 4 years old, you’ve never said a word, and now you said a complete sentence! Why have you never spoken before?

“Well” his son reply’s, “up until now the toast has been fine”

The needle bent when Chuck Norris got his corona vacination so he had to drink it instead

He was a mediocre conductor of a mediocre orchestra. He had been having problems with the basses; they were the least professional of his musicians. It was the last performance of the season, Beethoven’s 9th Symphony, which required extra effort from the basses at the end. Earlier that evening, he found the basses celebrating one of their birthdays by passing a bottle around. As he was about to cue the basses, he knocked over his music stand. The sheet music scattered. As he stood in front of his orchestra, his worst fear was realized; it was the bottom of the 9th, no score and the basses were loaded.

A skeleton walks into a bar, and orders a beer... and a mop.

A moth goes into a podiatrist’s office, and the podiatrist’s office says, “What seems to be the problem, moth?”

The moth says “What’s the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore. I don’t even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don’t know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there… at night I…I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that’s on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don’t know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the…in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch… I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I… that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn’t such a coward, then perhaps…perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all…Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I’m a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I’m not feeling good. And so the doctor says, “Moth, man, you’re troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?”

And the moth says, “‘Cause the light was on".

If Idaho got a New Jersey, than what will Delaware?
If Turkey was attacked from the rear, would Greece help?

this politician dies and goes to meet st. peter, who tells him, "sureyabetcha, you're going to heaven, but first i gotta have you go downstairs and visit hell and judge it before you make your choice"-- so he goes down to hell and is greeted when the doors open by the most sexy curvy bootylicious female demons, naked and horny in multiple senses, and he meets satan and he sees no flames or pitchforks anywhere, and he sees people having all sorts of fun. so he asks satan if he can just stay down there, and satan says, "no, you gotta go upstairs and declare your choice in front of st. pete." so up the elevator the politician goes, he sees people playing harps on clouds and is bored out of his gourd, and asks st. pete, "is this all there is?" to which st. pete replies, "correct, this is tranquility, eternal rest," to which the politician replies, "ok, hate to say it but can you send me down the elevator again?" to which st pete assents, and when the hell doors open again, he is greeted by the most grotesque ogre imaginable who drags him in and heaves him into a lake of fire filled with other politicians and CEOs and movie stars and such, all screaming in agony at the top of their lungs, and the politician asks satan, "hey, what in the hell happened to the nice place i saw?!" to which satan replied, "oh, that's just before the election."

I went to my doctor and told him about how I had been having hallucinations of mice, ducks, rabbits, dogs, cats, and many other animals that were all talking, walking upright, and wearing clothes like humans.

He told me, "Sounds like you're having Disney spells!"

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.
I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending."

a pair of economists were in a nudist colony, and one says to the other, "have you read marx?" and the other man replies, "yeah, it comes from sitting in those wicker chairs."

rumor has it that a young mr Norris was in Germany in april '45 (suicide my butt



Bolo pointing to virus : "You are nex !"

Iron Sheik to virus : "I put you in the camel clutch , break your back & beep your a** and then you will be ham-bell !"

"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous young man told his
psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many
people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife
and I have a dog we are very attached to."
"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel
physically attracted to my horse."
"Hmmm," observed the doctor. "Is it male or female?"
"Female, of course!" the man replied curtly. "What do you
think I am, queer?"

So I'm at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food for my dog. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog food Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with food Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
Now that you've read this I have to confess, I copied it. Now copy and share. Make someone else laugh This made the rounds on FB years ago but I have to share each time it comes up.

Golf and Public Restroom Similarities
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.