time to lay down the law

Post Reply New Topic

Stop presuming what people mean - the fact you both 'punish' each other equals some problems which need to be talked through.

I've had partners do that to me in the past, and we definitely had problems.

Why did you make this thread if you didn't want other peoples opinions?

It sounds like you are both having trouble dealing with the frustration. My husband and I are in the same situation (or at least were until I lost my job). He stays home on disability and I work, largely, to support the family. I was working a physically strenuous job so I was completely spent by the time I got home. It takes alot of compromise on both ends to make this arrangement work. I am far from having perfected it but redefining the level of chores to be done helps - a 'perfect' house just isn't possible when one partner is exhausted. My child doesn't live in a pig sty but the carpet usually needs vacuuming and there's always a load of laundry to be done... Our house looks 'lived in' and we are comfortable with that.

I know how this inequity of the work load feels - my husband and I switched roles about 5 years ago. I hold him to the housekeeping standard I held myself to in his position. due to his depression/bi-polar issues, he isn't capable of maintaining that same level. Although he excels at doing dishes - which I have always hated. I know, when he received his diagnosis and disability claim I was angry and resentful. I went from being a stay at home mom to being the breadwinner. My family now sinks or swims on my success or failure. That's more stress than I can really handle and I do lash out about it in passive/aggressive ways - like not doing my 'agreed upon' chores. My instincts tell me that your problems with chores is just a symptom - not the cause.

I'm sorry others reacted negatively to your rant - everyone is entitled to vent. And I hope I'm interpreting you correctly as well.

Whatever the case, talking about it calming, away from the issue - not in the heat of the moment - It's the only way to progress beyond it. To find out the 'real' reason or if there is some other issue underlying this.

MasterJedi --

I am the stay-at-home worker in my household, and my husband is an engineer who works outside of the home. Up until recently, I also had a home business that took up some of my day. We have been married for almost thirty years, so we're pretty good at our routines.

You are entitled to help, even from someone who works outside of the home.

Getting that help, however, is often different than what people may say it is or expect it to be.

My husband is first of all, just a good guy. He helps me out because a) he also likes things tidy, and b) he loves me and does things for me to show his love. Because he has this routine of throwing a load of wash in the washer almost every morning before he goes to work, I feel VERY inclined to show my love for him by working hard around the house and showing him affection when he gets home. We just LIKE each other, and because of that, we do stuff for each other.

Working around the house is chore-related, to be sure. But getting the people who live in the house to share child-rearing and chore responsibilities, I have learned over time, is often tied to love for each other. If I love my husband, I'm going to do whatever I can to make him happy. Oddly enough, he does the exact same thing for me. It works.

Agreed.. but only if they are divided taking into account more factors than just '50/50 workload'.

Namely, the one staying at home does not have the stress of waking up, having to get dressed/ready for work and then being on time for work... the person staying home has the entire morning to get 'revved up'.

With that in mind, the morning chores (bfast, take out trash, make take-out lunchs for kid and working spouse) should in my opinion, fall to the person staying at home.


From morning to evening.. a 6 to 7 hour stretch.. the person staying home has very few duties. cook lunch, maybe mop/sweep once every two or 3 days.. do laundry..pay some bills... maybe do grocery shopping once every 2 weeks or so.

When the person that is working outside the home returns he/she is coming back after WORKING non-stop for 8 hours. The spouse that stays at home does have work as well but also has the enviable privilege of taking breaks any time they want... they dont answer to a boss every minute of the day and hey, if they screw up its no big deal it to fix it.. at work? screwup=firing material.

With that in mind, in my opinion the person staying at home should have as part of his/her duties, to assist the 'stress-out-time' of the spouse coming home.




Which means you're doing a horrible job. the house is YOUR responsibility.



Really? how about you take the trash out the night before. See previous comment.



That is a perfect example of stress buildup being released in a way that does not cause intrapersonal friction.

Here's a suggestion: for one week, when she comes home welcome her and carry her from the door to her computer desk..and when she watches tv bring her a drink.

It doesn't cost you anything to do this but her stress will be gone much faster than if you just let her try to drown it with thought-preventing screen-staring.



Chores..meaning housework? As in.. your 'workplace'? c'mon now.



translation: since im pissed off that she doesn't do housework before or after she goes to work i'm going to stress her out even more by being an ass. I'm also going to be using my daughter as a weapon against her because i know how much it will sting. I'll be taking the moral high ground by using terms like 'unilateral', 'earn' and 'get away from the family' to make myself feel better and perhaps get away with making my wife to do some of the work i'm responsible for.

Here's the hint for you:
Paying job = her workplace & responsibility
House & everything in it = YOUR workplace and responsibility.

She's doing hers. You're not. The saddest thing is that it is your daughter that ends up suffering the consequences of your failure to keep up with your duties and your failure to be a role model on how an adult behaves.

grow a pair & do your job.

Oh dear, never get involved in a domestic.

Here's a time when I'm in 100% agreement with Dantac. Unfortunately, MasterJedi seems 100% incapable of heeding anyone's advice without taking offense to what anyone has to say. It's a good rule to not ask questions if you don't want to hear the answers. Not only does it frustrate you to receive answers that you really don't want but it also is disheartening for people to have their words twisted and ignored because you can't be honest with yourself.

And you can't tell me I don't know what I'm talking about. I can see the tip of this iceberg so clearly that I can smell the ice.

But go ahead, MasterJedi, insult us and twist our words for just trying to help you. When you get blindsided because she gets tired of you, finds someone else, and files for divorce with sole custody, don't come here crying about it. It's not like we didn't warn you.

folks. thank you for all the attention and advise.

When Olivia's grandparents arrived unannounced, they wanted to take her out sledding. I scrambled to get her dressed in weather-appropriate clothing including snow boots.but one of them went missing - again. They gave us crap for misplacing her boot months ago and now we've done it again.

I went to my bad place - you know the angry dark hole where people go who need abilify? Yeah, that place.

I do humbly apologize for any feathers I've ruffled and I won't deny my wife the right to go to her club meeting. That's pretty childish.

basically just begging for your forgiveness and understanding.

Oh god, you don't have to apologize, MasterJedi. I'm relieved you were in a mood, as opposed to having a genuine response to our comments. I understand what it's like dealing with demanding and judgmental in-laws. My FIL is quite a handful when it comes to unannounced visits then being opinionated and judgmental because not everything is available to his whim. I wanted to lop off his head yesterday because of how he behaved. But he's family so I bite my tongue and let my husband handle his own father the way he feels is best.

What I'm trying to tell you is that there's something more going on than just her not helping out around the house. You described some behavior that suggests she's avoiding reality. There's a reason she's doing it. I asked you how long she's been this way because I'm trying to get a handle on where her mind might be. If things continue as they are - which is about more than just a messy house - it's possible she could walk on you and you wouldn't even see it coming. I was trying to let you know how unfair things would be if you were ever put in that position. I was emphasizing that it's in your best interests to talk a deeper look at what might be going on with her for why she's not at the very least picking up after herself and helping with her daughter. If you can identify and solve the root problem, you can prevent a lot of heartache that might be in your future otherwise.

Ultimately, I agree that she's got to cut out the Farmville. You can't play those Facebook games casually so she simply has to stop them. She also must pick up after herself, help out a bit when she gets home from work, and always participate in the caring for and raising her daughter as an equal co-parent. These are things that I expect from my husband and these are things that he expects from me. There should not be tobacco left on the counter. Meanwhile, Dantac is right that while you're a SAHD, the bulk of the cleaning, laundry and child care does fall to you. If those boots are missing, that's on you.

My husband is NT and I have AS. He probably helps me out more than the average husband because I have a problem following-through and I forget things. I try my best to remember, using a notebook and having an internal monologue that's constantly reviewing my daily agenda. So I assume you need that extra help too, as well as needing to step up to make sure you keep yourself on track. Also, my husband comes from no-planning-lets-do-whatever-we-want-whenever-we-want kind of family. My husband's gone to great lengths to be considerate of my need to be prepared because spontaneity and schedule changes freak me out, and he tries his best to filter his family's intrusion in this way. He doesn't always succeed but he gets points for trying. Your wife has to be aware and prioritize your needs here to be prepared and have a plan... and not let her parents just drop by, uproot everything and cause chaos.

So, yeah, there's more going on here than just Farmville and trash bags... and I'm sorry there's no easy and simple answer. I strongly recommend counseling so both of you have a moderated environment to share your feelings and receive feedback from a neutral person. Preferably a couple's therapist who is experienced with aspie marriages.

I'm sorry I was harsh but man, I think you needed to hear that.

i'll only add to what wefunction said above: regardless, she does need to pick up herself when it comes to things like the tobacco crumbs. Do consider her behavior could also indicate depression and thats something the two of you need to communicate about (when both of ye be in a calm, relaxed mood).

Hang in there...You have a wife and daughter that love you. Say that to yourself a few times out loud

Seriously. Just wow. On a positive note, suddenly I have renewed appreciation for my single, solitary life.

These aren't the 30s anymore. Step into the 21st Century and give your wife some respect.

Haha, don't do that! The boards are for venting- better that than you're actually like that all the time (i can't think of a better way to word that, sorry >.>).
I hope you can talk it through and make things better for all involved!

This is why I am single!