Who likes bad jokes?

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A man goes to his doctor for his yearly checkup. The doctor instructs him to
give a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample. "Gee, I'm in kind
of a hurry Doc," the man says, "can I just leave a pair of my underwear?"

::cringe::

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A Poet, Architect, and Engineer were sitting at a bar, talking about life, love everything. When the topic gets to their love lifes, the Architect asks everyone do they prefer a wife or a mistress.

Well, the Poet says, "It must be a mistress for me! Passion is my life, and passion is my love!"

The Architect retorts, "Well, that's fine, I suppose. For me, I need a wife, someone loyal, someone I can grow to love and trust. Permanence is the way to go for me."

Finally, the Engineer says, "Well, I really prefer both." To which both the Poet and the Architect say, "You selfish bastard! Why both?" The Engineer just smiles coolly and says, "Well, that way the wife thinks I'm with the mistress, the mistress thinks I'm with the wife, and I can actually get some work done!"

WARNING, THIS ONE'S FILTHY....




A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar. He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your p****, and drink from your c**t."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her. By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait! He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't f**k with anyone who can drink that much beer."




When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in."
Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

Do you know why a rancher screws his sheep on the top of a cliff?

So the sheep will push back!

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.
Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak.
She watched in awe for a while. Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him.
As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch.
In pain she screamed "What the hell did you do that for?"
Tarzan replied, "Always check for squirrels."

ANOTHER FILTHY ONE.....

A lady died and is being prepared to go under by Jake. Jake is dressing and cleaning her when he sees a problem and tells his boss.

He says, "Boss this lad's got a shrimp in her vagina."

"What? let me see". He looks and says, "you dumbass that's her clit."

Jake replies, "Oh, it tasted like shrimp."



I swear i'm not completely warped.....

Q: What do you say when you go on a videogame ride at a theme park?
A: Wii!

Q: What's it called when someone gropes a mannequin at the mall?
A: Statue-tory rape.

Q: What's it called when you pack sodium and Energizers for a trip?
A: A case of a salt and battery.


I came up with all of these myself... At least I think I did.

Ok, here are a couple more...

Knock, knock.
Who's there? Banana.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Banana.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Banana.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? Orange.
Orange who? Orange ya glad I didn't say banana??

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How do you start a teddy bear race?
Ready, Teddy, Go!

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Q: What animal do you look like when you get into the bath?
A: A little bear!

=D