HOLD ON TO YOUR KNICKERS! IT'S THE RANDOM QUOTES THREAD!! !! !

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"I suppose I could riff a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let's see... low-carb diets, Michael Moore, the Republican national convention, Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products, hi-def TV, the Bush daughters, wireless hot-spots, the OC, the UN, recycling, getting punk'd, Danny Gans, the Latin Grammys, the real Grammys, Jeff that Wiggle that sleeps too darn much, the Yankees' payroll, all the red states, all the blue states, every hybrid car, ever talk-show host, everything on the planet, everything in the solar system, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, everything, every-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. And Hugh Jackman." - Dr Cox from Scrubs.

I love that man. I want to be him.

"Steve Irwin should have worn sunblock to protect from harmful rays"
-bash.org

"Nothing's worse than the human race... except the fRench" ~Mark Twain

"Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you criticize him, you're a mile away, and you have his shoes."

- Jack Handy

"It's a universal adolescent feeling, trying to find one's place. The adolescent who is perfectly adapted to his/her environment, I've yet to meet."

Roger Bannister

"If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man, but deteriorate the cat."

Mark Twain

"I found other races boring. I found the mile just perfect."

Roger Bannister

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."- George Carlin

"You are a perfect example of why some animals eat their young."
(I can't remember who said it, though... )

Gallia est omnis divisa in partes tres. (All Gaul is divided into three parts.)
-Julius Caesar The Gallic War

"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." -Mitch Hedberg

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no, but I wanted a regular banana later, so...yeah!" -Mitch Hedberg

"I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over I guess he would be comfortable. Oh…you're a king you say. Well you won't believe what I have in store for you. It fits to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" -Mitch Hedberg

"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was." -Mitch Hedberg

"I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's the lame replica because the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?" -Mitch Hedberg

"Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the oceans would be loud. You wouldn't want to submerge your head. Nothing but fish going ahh crap...I thought I looked like that rock." -Mitch Hedberg

"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but decided to get a tan instead." -Mitch Hedberg

"I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but it’s under control. If the tartar gets out of line, it's like, c'mon man…you know the deal. Fall in…you crazy tartar." -Mitch Hedberg

"If you get lost in the woods...build a house. Well…I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." -Mitch Hedberg

"War does not make one great!" -Yoda

"Understand that change begins with the individual." -R.E.M.

"Close to the fires and under a trance the Indians sang and said with their dance, take what you need and leave the rest, take what you need and leave it alone." -The Samples

"Keep thy religion to thyself!" -George Carlin

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." -Ghandhi

"I'll see it when I believe it!" -Trigger11

"None but ourselves can free our minds." -Bob Marley

"Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking... NERF HERDER!"
"Who's scruffy-looking?"

- Princess Leia and Han Solo.

These "quotes" are my conclusions of when i was brainstorming for a bit.
(But i'm near 100% sure they exist already, although not literally, word for word, the same.)


*If something goes miserable, other things must go near perfect.*


*Time brings a lot..... Confusion mostly.*

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." -Mitch Hedberg

"This shirt is dry clean only, which means...it's dirty." -Mitch Hedberg

"Rice is great...when you are hungry and want 1,000 of something." -Mitch Hedberg

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's JOHNNY!" - Jack Nicholson as Jack Torrence.

If we're gonna meet, it might as well be now. -- Theresea Russell in Bad Timing.