Sick Joke Thread - Open If You Dare , I Double Dare You

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Don't think I'll eat Creme Brulee for a while

As for the soap joke , please google it before you tell this joke to someone , it can be interpreted a different way

Since the snow came all my boyfriend has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let him in.



The other day I was out in town when some chavs started on me, threatening to beat me up.
"Do you know who my dad is?" one of them asked.
"No," I replied. "Do you?"



During a trial in a small American town the prosecutor asked the first witness, an older lady, go to the witness stand. He asks her:
"Mrs. Jones, do you know who I am?"
She replied: "Yes, I know who you are, Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a little boy, and quite frankly you have turned out to be quite a disappointment. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and trash talk them behind their backs. You think you are ambitious but in reality you aren’t bright enough to get that you will never be more than a mediocre pen-pusher. Yes, I know who you are."
The prosecutor gawped. In lieu of anything better to say he pointed at the defense lawyer and asked:
"Mrs. Jones… Do you know who the defense attorney is?"
She replied: "I most certainly do. I have known Mr. Bradley since childhood. He is a lazy racist with alcohol problems. He is incapable of having a normal relationship with anyone and he is one of the worst lawyers in the state. Not to mention that he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them were your wife. Yes, I know who he is."
The defense lawyer almost had a fit.
The judge called upon both the defense attorney and the prosecutor, and told them quietly:
"If any of you ask her if she knows who I am, I’ll send you both to the electrical chair!"

A wife tells her husband "I have some S&M for you!"

The husband says "Really?"

The wife says "Yup! Sweeping and Mopping!"

Q: How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A: It’s not hard.

I'm drinking my chyme right now.

^did you have a sick burp

Q: How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: To get to the other side.

How many incontinent people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're busy changing their Depend's.

How many Eva's does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but she has to change Adolph first.

Q: How do you milk sheep?

A: Release a new iPhone.

A nutritional physiologist is holding a seminar on food to make people think more about what they eat.
– What we eat, will kill us slowly, says the physiologist. – Hamburgers, coke and lots of other things will kill you all in big doses.
The audience is listening in shock.
- Some vegetables are catastrophic, the physiologist continues. –None of you can imagine how hard the hit stomach and intestines. The bacteria in the drinking water are too mild, leaving us with a too ineffective immune system, and the food we eat, isn’t sufficiently rich in nutrition.
The audience is completely silent, with panic in their eyes.
- But there is one thing that is much, much worse. Do you know what we have all eaten, or will eat, that will cause pains and suffering for the rest of our lives?
The audience is mute, except for one older man. He stands up and asks: - The wedding cake?


Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

I can't believe I'm actually posting on this forum when I'm supposed to be emetophobic. Some kind of self-therapy perhaps?

But I still don't get the soap joke. Does it make more sense if you say it with a British accent, or what?

I tried to say it that way, but it I still don't get it. Maybe it's a different accent. I'm going to feel pretty silly saying the joke in every accent or dialect I can think of, especially the ones I don't do well. Like a "Canadian" one.