Are You An Outsider?

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funeralxempire
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20 Sep 2020, 9:30 pm

elceenowlab wrote:

Seriously? Both of your posts could have been lifted telepathically from my thoughts.

I've been thinking so heavily lately about how I've NEVER fit in, or fit in the way others fit in. I'm trying to pinpoint what it is about me that is so off putting. It's especially depressing lately because I thought it was my face or voice but so many people have gone out of their way to show such unkindness to me when I'm wearing a mask or not even speaking yet that it's appalling.

I'm thinking that it's my hair color and I feel like I've been experiencing real prejudice.

I never fit in enough at work and I'm serious when I say people who are sworn enemies unite in friendship against me soon after I start at a new place. I feel like I'm constantly in an invisible battle trying to protect my reputation. I've tried to tell myself its all in my head but I've been in the situation enough times to know its real.

The bad thoughts have been so present the past week that it forced me to come on here as I have in the past for some relief. Never posted before though for reasons you state.

Thank you for making me feel understood.

Thanks for joining us. We can all be together, alone, but together, or however that could best be phrased. :nerdy:

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Pepe
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20 Sep 2020, 11:23 pm

Romofan wrote:

Are you constitutionally unable to conform to social expectations?

Are you punished because of that?

Do you not fit in, no matter how hard you try?

Have you given up trying?

-Yes
-Yes
-I don't try.

-See above.

KT67 wrote:

Honestly?

This will sound weird cos I'm autistic but no.

It is well known that autistic women are harder to identify.
Natural social camouflage.

Last edited by Pepe on 20 Sep 2020, 11:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Pepe
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20 Sep 2020, 11:26 pm

aquafelix wrote:

I think you should frame this an give it to you infernal master.

dragonsanddemons
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21 Sep 2020, 12:46 am

Romofan wrote:

Do you find yourself exhausted from constantly editing and censoring yourself, and itching to simply let it all hang out and say whatever it is irregardless?

Do you feel like your presence is never really wanted, barely tolerated?

Even in a 'safe space' like Wrong Planet, do you worry about what you just typed? Do you feel ashamed of it, like it should be erased before people actually see it?

That you will be judged, even excluded if it is understood?

Abso-freaking-lutely.

Mostly I don’t know what needs to be censored in what situations, so I just say nothing and everyone else seems to forget I’m even there. But I constantly worry about being judged, even here. It took me literally several years of lurking to work up the courage to actually post anything at all here (check my profile for my join date and the date of my first post if you don’t believe me), and I still write plenty of posts where I hit “cancel” at the end instead of “post,” or I leave up for less than five minutes before changing my mind and deleting.

I think I’m as much of an outsider as it is possible to be, at all times.

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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

DeepHour
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21 Sep 2020, 1:12 am

dragonsanddemons wrote:

It took me literally several years of lurking to work up the courage to actually post anything at all here

LOL, I lurked on WP from 2006, and it took me 8 years to actually join.

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ASPartOfMe
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21 Sep 2020, 9:19 am

Romofan wrote:

Welcome to the Wrong Planet, elceenowlab :jester:

I agree with that sentiment.

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ASPartOfMe
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21 Sep 2020, 9:26 am

Wolfram87
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21 Sep 2020, 10:00 am

Maybe I'm an insider?

You don't know... :batman:

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Romofan
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21 Sep 2020, 10:46 am

Maybe I'm an insider?

An "Illumin-aspie?" :jester: :mrgreen:

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nick007
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21 Sep 2020, 6:07 pm

Does this answer your question :?:

Green Day did a good cover of that song but I had to go with the original. BTW good song choice ASPartOfMe.

Moving on... I felt like an outside my whole life. I have various disabilities besides Aspergers that caused me to struggle with school & lots of life stuff. I was majorly bullied when I started school until I went to a school for dyslexia in the middle of 6th grade(my parents didn't know about the school before). I never really tried to fit in cuz I never really knew how to even start. I just knew I did not belong. I felt like an outside with my family as well. I don't really have a family history of most of my disabilities & family including my parents do NOT relate or understand. My mom was VERY FRUSTRATED with me for being dependent & needy & her methods of trying to push me did NOT work for me which caused us to have LOTS of major fights until I moved in with my current girlfriend at 30. My current girlfriend & both my exes were the only people I really connected with & relate to. I do fit in a lot better on WP than I do offline & on other sites but I'm more rouge here than clickish. I don't really care about fitting in anywhere. I want to avoid problems thou & when I was working I did want to do rite by management & others. I do want to start working again but I believe I can be a good worker while not fully fitting in or conforming to a click. I use manners & I'm eager to please but I much rather focus on work than visiting & chitchatting. I like some visiting & chitchatting with good people & I like joking with people who appreciate jokes but doing the work is my top priority. I was kind of a misanthrope after my 1st relationship fell apart. I was very lonely & I had NO luck finding anyone for 8 years straight. i felt like people didn't wanna deal with a downer. I guess i don't like being fully alone but I only really need one person in my life that I can be close to. I'm kind of becoming a misanthrope again due to all the problems in the world rite now. It seems like most everyone only cares about themselves & will not hesitate breaking all the rules if they think they'll get away with it & can get ahead that way.

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Pepe
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22 Sep 2020, 3:02 am

Romofan wrote:

Maybe I'm an insider?

An "Illumin-aspie?" :jester:

In Australia, we call the metal "Aluminium".

Oh, you mean the psychopathic secret organisation.
Got it. :thumleft:

Shhhhh!

Romofan
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22 Sep 2020, 3:24 am

do you feel like you are literally outside of events, looking in?

did you not fit into any of the niches---jock, cheerleader---in High School?

another definition of 'outsider' is a person who is thought to have little chance of success.

have you felt that the odds were stacked against you since Day One?

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ASPartOfMe
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22 Sep 2020, 5:51 am

nick007 wrote:

Does this answer your question :?:

Green Day did a good cover of that song but I had to go with the original. BTW good song choice ASPartOfMe.

Moving on... I felt like an outside my whole life. I have various disabilities besides Aspergers that caused me to struggle with school & lots of life stuff. I was majorly bullied when I started school until I went to a school for dyslexia in the middle of 6th grade(my parents didn't know about the school before). I never really tried to fit in cuz I never really knew how to even start. I just knew I did not belong. I felt like an outside with my family as well. I don't really have a family history of most of my disabilities & family including my parents do NOT relate or understand. My mom was VERY FRUSTRATED with me for being dependent & needy & her methods of trying to push me did NOT work for me which caused us to have LOTS of major fights until I moved in with my current girlfriend at 30. My current girlfriend & both my exes were the only people I really connected with & relate to. I do fit in a lot better on WP than I do offline & on other sites but I'm more rouge here than clickish. I don't really care about fitting in anywhere. I want to avoid problems thou & when I was working I did want to do rite by management & others. I do want to start working again but I believe I can be a good worker while not fully fitting in or conforming to a click. I use manners & I'm eager to please but I much rather focus on work than visiting & chitchatting. I like some visiting & chitchatting with good people & I like joking with people who appreciate jokes but doing the work is my top priority. I was kind of a misanthrope after my 1st relationship fell apart. I was very lonely & I had NO luck finding anyone for 8 years straight. i felt like people

didn't wanna deal with a downer. I guess i don't like being fully alone but I only really need one person in my life that I can be close to. I'm kind of becoming a misanthrope again due to all the problems in the world rite now. It seems like most everyone only cares about themselves & will not hesitate breaking all the rules if they think they'll get away with it & can get ahead that way.

A Ramones song is always a good choice.

Edna3362
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22 Sep 2020, 9:09 am

I seem to enjoy observing more than participating, though I can appreciate all the same.

High school is a mixed bag. I was both the best and the worst.
I quit school at some point because other students refuses to leave me alone.
Of course bullying did made me depressed, yet also the opposite of that did nothing but confuse me.

Was this a major part of my life? Sure.
Yet was this also a major part of my present? Nope. :twisted:
I made peace with every pitfalls my rather immature old self had done.

And...
For most of my life, I do think I'm both blessed and cursed. But more blessed than not.
So I don't exactly understand what odds I'm assuming to be against the idea of life and living. I didn't care.

I don't even care now -- against whatever definition of success is out there.
I'd rather be free.

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Feyokien
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22 Sep 2020, 9:40 am

Romofan wrote:

do you feel like you are literally outside of events, looking in?

Sometimes

Romofan wrote:

did you not fit into any of the niches---jock, cheerleader---in High School?

No. I did not fit into any of the cliques. The two cliques I was most proximal to, the nerds/gamers and band geeks, did not treat me well at all. Outcast among the 'outsiders'...let's be honest they're just fish in another pond.

Romofan wrote:

another definition of 'outsider' is a person who is thought to have little chance of success.

have you felt that the odds were stacked against you since Day One?

Never tell me the odds :wink:

Romofan
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22 Sep 2020, 10:19 am

I made peace with every pitfalls my rather immature old self had done.

This.

My Scars Prove I Fought Wars!

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