Rules of the Aspie

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Might've been a good idea not to quote a troll's statements, because now he's trolling from beyond the grave.


Now, back to "our list of rules":
Two words: Self Checkout.

Have practice conversations in your head. They'll never come in handy.

Classic, but every once in awhile mine do come in handy. About once per decade!! !

"Will work for a decent wage, so long as you provide a dark, quiet hole from which I can be left alone to do my job."

Always sit in the back corner of the room.

Dress in comfortable clothes and shoes.

Avoid shaving.

Grow your hair long.

Cultivate an artistic temperament.

Keep cats.

SELF DEPRECATION:
- shave your eyebrows and draw in new ones with permanent marker!
- walk around with a bucket on your head with your name on it but spelling in such a way that it insults you - my name is Adam and mine said Adumb.


- make your own shirts
- learn to STEAL

Always wear your sunglasses, so you can avoid eye contact and nobody is the wiser.

That's sarcasm, isn't it? :B

Is that a rule to add to the list?

Laugh loudly at inappropriate times. Doh!

Forget to make NT monkey gestures.

If the oppertunity arises to say something weird but somehow clever or amusing, say it, even if you know nobody will laugh.

CONGRATULATIONS on purchasing your new Aspie. We hope it will give you years of valuable service. Here are a few rules for using your Aspie wisely.

1. If you want your Aspie to know anything, say it in clear, simple words. Hinting, implying or pantomiming will not do. Anything involving body language or tone of voice will be ignored.

2. Your Aspie may make rhythmic body movements from time to time. This is normal, and indicates the Aspie is talking to God and does NOT wish to be disturbed.

3. Your Aspie is programmed to give specialist advice, e.g. dinosaurs, the Linux kernel or Bismarck's confederation of the German states. Questions regarding popular culture, dress sense or relationships may not compute.

4. Lights and noise are often far more intense for Aspies than normal folks. If your Aspie wishes to sit in the dark or avoid the front row of a rock concert, this is not a malfunction.

5. Interruptions to an Aspie's daily routine may prompt an OUT OF CHEESE error, or even REDO FROM START.

6. Periodically, the Aspie may go into meltdown mode, requiring a time-out for recharging. This is not a design fault, it is merely a built-in safety measure to prevent the Aspie taking over the world.

7. From time to time, your Aspie may wish to have sex with you, or with some other person. If at all possible, indulge this preference, as it defragments the Aspie's hard-drive.

8. Other people may make fun of your Aspie or attempt to interfere with its workings. This is a good indication of how those people will treat YOU if a situation ever turns bad.

9. Remove all label tags from clothing before fitting to your Aspie.

10. Normal people talk in sentences. Aspies talk in lectures. If you want an Aspie's opinion, bring some mints to suck while the lecture proceeds. Be prepared to take notes. The Aspie may be asking questions later.

11. Films and TV may give misleading impressions of autism. Do NOT expect your Aspie to make complex medical diagnoses or win money for you at casinos.

12. Bear in mind that to some Aspies, the human face is a twisting, morphing monstrosity out of the works of H P Lovecraft. An Aspie staring at your boobs may not indicate a sexist attitude, merely a wish to avoid the special effects.


DISCLAIMER: All advice above is general. Your mileage may vary. Consult your local Baron-Cohen.

Either talk in monotone, or talk very fast (or both). If someone tells you you're talking too fast, talk faster.

I do all of those

1) Answer rhetorical questions
2) Always use rarer and larger words then most people would (elucidate/explain; obfuscate/obscure)
3) Read every book in the library about an obfuscated topic. React angrily when people express incorrect common knowledge about the topic (Really, is it that hard to see the Americans used a submarine in the revolutionary war )
4) Become very hurt and and angry when accused of lying.
5) Think people (ie parents/teachers) are incredibly stupid because they keep saying "Look at me when I'm speaking to you" when you have been staring straight at their shirt for the entire time. Become very angry when they respond to your with "I am!! !" with disbelief or accusations that you are not.
6) Read a twenty page paper on aspergers and the only thing that stands out is that line 47 on page 7 misspelled may as "rnay." And it doubly grates on you that someone can make such a stupid mistake while typing.

Best. Post. Evar.