Awesome/Creative Insults

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Me, to my Personal Tormentor in high school:

"Yes, you're popular and have all these rich friends and all I have is a nerdy brain full of random knowledge and a weird personality. You'll have an easy time finding a job in this town because your friends' parents own all the businesses, and I will probably end up joining the Army because none of those people will hire me. But, I can take my skills anywhere in the world where they may be needed. Your social network is tied to this little town, and in ten years you will still be here, playing the same cliquish games and kissing the asses of the same people to keep your job because, if you leave, you'll have to try to get hired by someone who doesn't know you, who'll judge you by your knowledge and skills, and when it comes to knowledge and skills, you will never be able to compete with the likes of me."

I was never that good at slinging out zingers on the spot, but on rare occasions I have been able to reduce a person to tears with a sharp monologue. Incidentally, I ended up tutoring that guy for awhile college, until I dropped out and joined the Army.

"You're simple enough to s**t standing up."

"Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya."

Oh, and also:

"'Tis better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt."

Winston Churchill was walking through the corridors of the House of Commons one night when he encountered Lady Astor. The conversation went something like this:

Lady Astor Mr Churchill, you are drunk, very drunk.

Mr Churchill Madam, you are ugly, very ugly, but I shall be sober in the morning.

Ed Almos

"If you don't like my attitude, don't talk to me."
"300 million sperm cells, and you were the quickest."
"She looks like her mama fed her rock candy with a sling-shot."
"The doctor threw away the baby and kept the afterbirth."

Aw, you're so sweet - just like a chocolate booger.

Glad you made it. Now I'm the second ugliest guy here.

How's that Drano aftershave working for you?

I like your hair style. Early Weed-Eater?

She's so sickeningly sweet she could induce a diabetic coma.

Slick as snail snot

Her voice sounds like she gargled ground glass.

Something I said and didn't regret:

"That woman is a waste of oxygen."

I know it's been said already.

And my special line:

"You make me want to feed kittens turpentine."

Said that too, but jokingly. I could never do that to a kitten.

if someone you don't like says "f**k you" reply "no thanks i know all too well where you've been."

i knew this one girl who tried to blame the dumb things she did on Seasonal Affective Disorder and i told her "oh yea? i didn't know you got over S.A.D. by downing screwdrivers and sleeping through class."

"Next time you cross the road, don't bother looking."

"According to who's standards? Your standards?"

i can not think of very good insults, and i always forget them after i have said them, but i tried to think of a few for this thread, but i am not angry so they will not be good.

"your mother must have had to take a double dose of laxatives to bring you into the world".
or, a variant on that may be "you are not what you eat! you're what your mother ate", or
"you were born with a tapeworm wrapped around your neck".

"i think you have your body on inside out"

"you are so stupid, that when you were told you had a low IQ, it went over your head"

"most people say 'ha! ha! ha! ha!' when they hear a good joke, but you say 'huh? huh? huh? huh?' "

"the reason you will never be in a movie is because it would be too much work for the editors to pixellate out your head"

"get back into your colostomy bag"

"your vegetable garden would thrive if only you spoke to it sometimes"

"if you do not want my dog to roll on you, then never lie down"

"a penny for your thoughts?....no... i would not pay a penny to hear you spend a penny!"

"there's no flies on me. especially when you are nearby"

"if you ever went to sleep in a public place, you would wake up in a body bag"

anyway i am bored with this and they are all puerile anyway.

"Your insults are so lame, even a grandma can do better"

"Just because your older than me, it doesn't mean you have a bigger brain than me"

"Don't say anymore before you really kill someone out of boredom"

Yea, that's all I'm gonna say, i cba to say more.

i showed an acquaintance the insults i posted, and he said that most of them were hard to understand, and that i should give an explanation to the ones that may be difficult to understand.


"your mother must have had to take a double dose of laxatives to bring you into the world"....means that "you are a dense stubborn of sh*t"


"you are not what you eat! you're what your mother ate"...means that you are the waste products ejected from the anus of your mother, and you were born from her backside rather than from her vagina.

"you were born with a tapeworm wrapped around your neck".... means the same thing. that you were shat, not born.


"i think you have your body on inside out" means that you look like the contents of your intestines which means you look like sh*t.


"you are so stupid, that when you were told you had a low IQ, it went over your head"....seems obvious. i do not know why he did not get it. it means that you think you are smart because you are too stupid to understand that you are not.


"most people say 'ha! ha! ha! ha!' when they hear a good joke, but you say 'huh? huh? huh? huh?' "...."huh" sounds like "ha".

"the reason you will never be in a movie is because it would be too much work for the editors to pixellate out your head"..... offensive visual content is pixelated out of televised material. good actor..bad head.

"get back into your colostomy bag".....you are leaked out from the crap bag that should contain you.

"your vegetable garden would thrive if only you spoke to it sometimes"...means "you talk sh*t, and it is good fertilizer"

"if you do not want my dog to roll on you, then never lie down"....means dogs roll in stinking rotting debris on the ground, and therefore they would roll on you if you lied down.

"a penny for your thoughts?....no... i would not pay a penny to hear you spend a penny!"....to spend a penny means to do a poo, and if you said what you think then you would be talking sh*t so it is the equivalent of spending a penny.


"there's no flies on me. especially when you are nearby"...."there's no flies on me" is a saying that means i am not dumb and idle. the insult means that all the flies are irresistibly attracted to you because you are rotten, and as such they leave me alone.

"if you ever went to sleep in a public place, you would wake up in a body bag"...means that you look like a corpse, so people would assume you are a dead body if you were asleep, and they would not even bother to see if you are dead because you smell and look dead.