Post something that made you UNHAPPY today.

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I'm a mess. Well, me, Ma and my brother all chickened out with the starting of hospice today on Pa. I don't think "chickened" is the right word - I actually woke up out of sleep scared s**tless and had a panic attack so bad I couldn't get my breath and was shaking like a leaf. I was able to take an ativan and Mary talked to me to try to calm me down. My brother is taking xanax like it's going out of style and Ma has been needing some too. We have a meeting with the hospice people tomorrow morning. I have always hated hospice. Let's face it - hospice is killing someone except it's legal. I feel a little better about it after Pa kept saying "Kill me Kill me Kill me" over and over. At least we will be fulfilling his wishes and he'll go to sleep peacefully - like everyone wants to do. I'm still a mess. I feel like Dr. Kevorkian - I was talking to my brother tonight because we have to "plan" this hospice thing just right since I have to go to work over the weekend - I don't get bereavement until a person actually dies. I also don't want Pa to die alone, so I need it to happen sometime next week. How do I bring that up at the meeting tomorrow? Uh, excuse me, Miss Hospice, but I need Pa to check out sometime next week because this weekend is just not convenient for any of us. I've done these hospice things with other patients and sometimes the person can linger on for days - unless you increase the morphine drip. We're already going to cut off all of Pa's nutrition and water. I think I'll have a problem with increasing the morphine drip which could delay this thing for a week. At least I was ready to make Pa a DNR - which Ma and my brother haven't reached that decision yet so Pa is still a "full code". I'm so stressed that I'm already sick with some sinus crap. I think Ma is in denial because she keeps saying the hospice thing is so "permanent". Pa is never coming back like he was and he wants to die anyway so why keep him here? He can't swallow and has refused all tubes for nourishment. I want to at least fulfill his wishes. Which now I'm feeling guilty again because he had to suffer another day today in restraints because we got cold feet. I feel totally sick inside and constantly on the verge of a panic attack or crying - I can't tell which one. I'm keeping it together somewhat, because I just keep remembering the crappy things Pa had done - some really crappy things. There were more crappy things than good. So why am I still a mess? Maybe because of all the things I should have had in a Pa, but didn't. Now, it's final and nothing will be able to be changed once he is gone. Not that he hasn't had time to change things, so I doubt it would happen now even. I think Ma will be better after all this is said and done as she is sick herself and not able to care for Pa anymore at home - especially now in his present state. We just have to get through this "thing" and everyone will be better off. I never thought I would have to make this decision - it's my worst nightmare. Gotta try to get some sleep cause I have to get up early in the morning.

realization that social mobility is a meme and doesn't exist.


but why would it? the people in the upper classes have no incentive to help uplift those beneath then, and everything to gain from their exploitation!

most wealth is inherited.