What's on your mind right now?

Post Reply New Topic

You have answered in part your own question Rachel.. Now its finding that little bit of strength to follow it through... Time is not but a human construct... For when this all passes it will be no more than a distant memory... Right now you are in the moment but that moment will pass resulting in more strength, not weakness...
You have an amazing inner spirit that is there for these times.. Embrace it and mold it into an energy to cast out the consuming energy one is presently feeling/experiencing.. Swap one energy for another...

Just bought a SINGLE tomato... $1.50 ... They growing them on gold vines now?

Uni worries. I can't believe time has gone by so quickly: soon I'll be re-starting my geology after having no choice but to take a break from my studies, but first comes the stressful student loan business. I only wish I had a more even skill set when it comes to actually being a student. I'm fine with the theory and absorb information quickly - terrible with managing my time and not panicking at the mere prospect of deadlines or exams. To make matters worse all science involves a fair bit of teamwork, another weak point.

Yes I quoted myself.


I'm more or less halfway through to solve this change. It's been about 2 days now.
It's funny, I have a mental puzzle image for it. It looked like odd version of tetris except you rotate in 3d and change pieces colors for 2d. It takes energy to do either, it's like I have limited moves -- but there's no 'game over' when I ran out.
Instead, the turn times I have is based on some energy... And to gather this energy, is simply to 'feel'. Any emotion, any ups and downs, or even sideways, except neutral, numbness, 'void', and apathy.
If I force to move without enough turns, whether I did consciously or not, I'll have this uncomfortable filler of a noise that more or less 'freezes' mental energy. It's like having an unnecessary or unwanted 'filling' that needs to be cut off or drain out, which happens usually if I were reading or watching something really dull, dry, and I'm damned bored.

Then when I fit the puzzle piece right, I feel a light surge... And felt more stable. It's this familiar feeling that I internally figured bits of myself, and I have yet to translate those concepts of understanding into words.
It's odd, that not only that I don't have the full control of this mental image or game, it also affects my mind and body in some way.

And, I wish I was joking. Or I wish this is just some mundane story of real things I saw and heard over my lifetime because I'm bored. . Instead, my mind is filled with a something I have to solve. At least it's not invasive.

Kitties-what else?

^Yes!

Terrified by Google.

^How come?

Life is "As Good As it Gets".

Almost everyone completely ignores me.

It is not functional or reasonable to expect that anyone treat me like a friend

But that doesn't stop me from wanting it

____________________________________

Anyways as usual, nothing to do. No goals. No purpose or meaning.

Quite frankly I wish that when I was 18 to 22 I enlisted in the military active duty.

That way I could feel like I belonged

Also because the state I live in is an "at will" employer. Several bosses had the nerve to fire my worthless corpse. Every slightest mistake. Once, nobody even told me that I did something wrong. And that was legal

But in the military, it is the brig (jail), dishonorable discharge, or other than honorable discharge. And commanding officers have to fill out a lot of paperwork. Red tape. Before getting rid of someone

And if I joined the military maybe I would have had an adventure

But now I am 34. MEPS disqualification. Autism, obsessive compulsive disorder. Clinical depression. Irritable bowel syndrome. Trans military ban from President Trump.

And now I am too emotional fragile and chronically extremely exhausted to even do the easiest part time civilian job.

Much less deployment. Boot camp. Basic training. Advanced individual training. The fleet. Living in the barracks. Gorging at the mess hall. Going to the infirmary sick and wounded. Sleeping on a rack. Scrubbing the head.

Likewise, even over twelve years after flunking out Structural Engineering I have yet to get over the fact that I will never get anSTEM job. That matches my autism symptoms.





Homophobic comments from 2004 San Diego still get on my nerves

Dawn.

Torn between feeling guilty, ashamed, and lazy. For not going to work. Not having a job.
Not joining the military.

Feel ashamed that Matthew Shepherd got murdered. In 2015 Orlando FL. Omar Mateen allegedly murdered a lot of victims at a gay bar.

Many of the victims are younger than i am now

So feel paranoid someone else might exterminate me. Yes I live somewhere not too homophobic. But it only takes one exterminator or rapist. And then it is all over

Also feel guilty, because I ain't contributed nothing to the solar system. And some of the victims allegedly contributed something positive to the galaxy.


And feeling jealous of the trans boy that got into the Boy Scouts earlier in 2017.

Jealous of the trans boy that won the Texas state 110 pound girls wrestling. 17 years old.

My precious lil "parents" never signed a consent form for me to join Boy Scouts. But I was born in 1983 and the world was more homophobic back then.

High school sports require parent or guardian written consent to join. Even sports with relatively few financial costs or physical dangers. Such as when I joined cross country, tennis and swimming.

At the school I went to, at that time, joining football teams required purchasing extra insurance. Expensive monetarily

My high school had no wrestling team when I was a student

What kind of "discrimination" is that, educational discrimination?

Parental
discrimination?

Besides, articles claim that the wrestler started wrestling when he was under 12.

Oh, and how much did the wrestling team charge in tuition?

What is that, financial discrimination?

Besides, wrestling success depends on weight, skill, speed, strength.

And those four factors depend on nature versus nurture.

So what, the wrestler is physically stronger than me? Plenty of cisgender females are stronger than me. Big deal. Who cares?

Last edited by shortfatbalduglyman on 17 Aug 2017, 6:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Finding a Portuguese translation of Haruhi, or maybe The Diamond Age.

34 years old and still struggling to accept

that I will never get breast reduction surgery

That I will never be a structural engineer

That nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring me

That I am autistic

That I will never get the apologies I deserve

^Kitty hugs for you.

thank you very much, Kuraudo7777

The irony of lemon flavoured sweets.