What's on your mind right now?

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Feel guilty and ashamed

Of not contributing to the galaxy positively

Not enlisting in the military

_____________________

Noone wants to interact with me socially

And when they do, one person has the monopoly

Bras feel uncomfortable, especially in the heat

But precious lil "people" look me up and down and make catcalls when I do not wear a bra

Paranoid about getting raped

Where I live there are a lot of lgbt pride rainbows and etc

But all it takes is one homophobic precious lil "person" and it is game over

In 2017. Berkeley CA. Someone at the bus stop. Stranger wearing tuxedo. Had the nerve to tell me "go back to your country!". "I light to ass on fire!".





Five minutes later he got on a bus

___________

An article said that a man married two different women at the same time

Neither woman suspected anything

Until several years later when the dry cleaning got mixed up



One of the women was a clinical psychologist



So if someone with a lot of skill, with a lot of time, and close interaction, could not suspect something so large, what makes me think that i can do better?

Answer:. I cannot do better





A civilian jujitsu instructor said that a Military martial arts instructor saw someone mugging someone with a knife

The military martial arts I tried to intervene

He got. Physically injured

So



If someone as impressive as a Military martial art instructor could not succeed, then what makes a civilian public nuisance. Like myself. Fantasize that I could do better

Answer:. I can't do better

president Trump has taken so much action against transgenders

Ex. Trans military ban

Paranoid Trump will victimize civilian next

Maybe Trump will make it illegal to use the bathroom that doesn't match yours birth certificate



"Religious freedom"



When I started Gender Therapy in San Diego in 2004, SD was so homophobic

There were no laws ( at least much fewer) about trans

At that time I asked the UCSD lgbt assistant director, who herself/himself Ident as trans. If it was legal to use the wrong bathroom

He/she told me "I don't know if it is technically legal"

And I tried to research it

Nothing

So what if someone raped me in the men's bathroom







And then I got subpoenaed to court

And the defense attorneys ask me why I was in the men's bathroom.



But whatever

2017 Berkeley is much less homophobic than 2004 San Diego

Besides when I go to the women's bathroom sometimes someone tells me off

For a couple years I have had chronic extreme constipation

Three bowel movement per day

Sometimes takes over one hour

When the men's bathroom has only one toilet

Impatient customers get annoying, rude and loud

Sometimes I use the women's

And then I take off my shirt

With a sports bra underneath





But even after all those lgbt laws, almost all bathrooms with multiple toilets are either men's or women's

Even living somewhere with so many people that do not present as cisgender

Earlier this year, I went to the women's bathroom. Single occupancy

And a security guard had the nerve to pound passionately on the door and tell me that you are in the wrong bathroom

It's like wtf ?



Precious lil "people" act like they have the moral high road, just because

The bathroom said "women" and "men" .
Not "women and trans"

I'd feel ok today if it wasn't for the indigestion.

i wonder whatever happened to that drwho person. did he just leave or did he get banned or something?

You tried and don't feel you got any better at any of it?



Like what?





I never considered how you could get into places by using the bathroom. Ever learn or find anything interesting or otherwise worth sharing?



I wasn't there of course when you told any of the people about your hobby. I figure maybe you felt misunderstood and angry about feeling judged.

But it's possible to feel disgusted by something someone does without judging them as a person. It's also possible to feel disgusted by one's own behavior. I've had both feelings, and when you told me, I imagined what it might be like taking a bowel movement in different bathrooms, some none too clean. And yes, I felt disgust as I imagined myself in that position for a moment. And then the feeling passed. Not a big deal to me to have a reaction like that.



So you've had mostly negative experiences with people, or maybe the negative experiences stick in your head the most.

I've noticed that on this forum, you often interpret things people have said in the most negative way possible. I'm sure if I did that, I'd feel upset and betrayed all the time.



The injustice. Too many people have overlooked blatant bullying, especially in children. I get the feeling that's changing.

The childhood bullying is so far in your past though that the more you relive it, the worse you feel and the less you can do about it. So how have you begun to let go of these feelings? Does your counselor help at all?

I haven't had any role models in my life really but I had a friend about 20 years ago who I quite liked.

I worked with him when I did the night shift. I was heavily into amphetamine at the time or anything else I could get my hands on and he was a heroin addict.

He gave me some words of wisdom that I will never forget and I often enjoy taking the opportunity to pass these words on.

"Everything in moderation"

I really need to learn to speed read.

I have been self-portraiting in profile. Just closed my eyes to go to sleep and the line of the bridge of my nose is haunting me . It's not until you focus on your face that you really notice what it looks like. It is very weird having this kind of awareness, and I'm wondering how long it can last.

Babybird, sound advice from your friend. It's sad that he felt unable to take his own advice.

NightEclipse, I'm not that fast when I read either. Speed reading is a cool concept in theory, I have no idea if it actually works.

Racheypie, ooh, trippy, unsettling feeling.

Just because it's in the past doesn't mean it doesn't matter

The Holocaust was in the past. It still matters

The. Counselor helped some. But insurance pays for only until November this year under the current counselor. Then no more counseling.

Medi Cal

I think I keep coming back to this forum looking for some kind of connection, but it's not there.

___________________________

What do you want to talk about?

Because I often find plenty of connection on Wrong Planet. At some times, it is too good to be true.

___________________________________



What I regret is not coming here earlier.





What's on my mind right now is that there is no aikido class today. Labor Day. Holiday. Bus and train on Sunday schedule. Nothing to do all day long. That could be a good thing or a bad thing.





Considering going looking for more bathrooms.



Feeling kind of lazy though. And just went to a different Office Depot on Friday.

As usual nothing to do this week. Counseling tomorrow

Lately, tastes have changed.

Do not like chocolate or whoppers nearly as much as just two years ago.

It's like several small bites and sugar overload.

Today ate spinach, lettuce and tomatoes for breakfast.

Do not like yams or potatoes nearly as much anymore

Getting older

Need less sleep

Energy level even lower than before



Yeah I am physically weak, academically stupid, vocationally incompetent, emotionally fragile, and socially awkward. Financially broke. Brain working slowly and badly

34 year old and I feel like my "life" is over

And I hardly accomplished anything



What I regret was going to homophobic UCSD

It would have been better to not go to college altogether





The other thing is that I feel guilty that I did not join the military

Because I get the impression that a lot of civilian practically worship the military and that veterans with respect and like veterans are deities

But whatever



On the other hand I do not want to waste hours cleaning the barracks in Basic Training

Do not want to hurry up and wait

Do not want to get smoked on the quarterdeck

Do not want to get chewed out. Told off by drill sergeant

And besides the military has a personality test called TAPAS. Even the military, especially the military, claims that not everyone has the demeanor. Personality that would function in the military.

And at this point I know that I am such a weirdo that precious lil "people" would rape, haze, victimize, ridicule me. And that I would not fit in to the platoon any more than I fit in to civilian life

But it is much better to be a misfit in Berkeley CA, than a misfit in San Diego. And it is much better to be a misfit civilian than a misfit in Boot Camp, Basic Training , advance individual training, the fleet, the barracks, the army base, or the deployment



Quite frankly I am totally ashamed of myself because I can't handle anything of the slightest difficulty

"Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach"







The Teaching Credential requires a 2.67 GPA undergrad and mine was only 2.189.

2.1 out of 4







But whatever. I do not want to be a schoolteacher

Nor do I fancy myself good at doing so




Sometimes it just appears that there is little or nothing left in the world positively for me

There are an unlimited number of things that I hate and fear

It's not so much what I want to talk about I suppose, more that I keep looking for evidence that I am not as different from other autistics as I am from neurotypical people. But I am. Connection in terms of "wavelength," when there is no one on this wavelength but me.

The word normal comes from a Latin word referring to measurements for carpenters and masons and so forth.

Sitting outside Rug Depot Outlet and POTTERY beyond

Stealing panera bread wifi

Waiting for bus

Scheduled to depart twenty minute

_____________________

Maybe no civilian job will hire me

The military might offer the only option

But maybe MEPS disqualification

In Basic Training and deployed on a ship in the Navy it sounds easy to get sick

Living in close quarters 24 hours a day. And it is crowded

The military gets preferential treatment on federal and state tax

Some civilian stores offer military discount

But Trump trans ban

Some articles claim Officer training corps is competitive

High gpa

High pushup, sit up, run

Social activities

And officer training corps sleep deprivation

Teamwork

Group work

Peer review vote off two candidates every week

Drop on request

special forces



Oh well

Uniform inspection

Have to clean your barracks in the precise way they tell you

Spit shine shoes

Yeah I am so useless



34 year old and do not even know how to iron pants



And I have changed a car tire once ten years ago

Do not know how to maintain or fix a car or bike

Changed a bike tire a couple times

Do not know hkw to repair clothes

Knit

Sew

Do not know emotional regulations

Do not know how to unclog sink, toilet

Despite wasting six years at UCSD. Four of them in Structural Engineering, do not have a single job skill worth above minimum wage









Welding

Drive car

Boo is waiting outside the office door to pounce on my feet.