What's on your mind right now?

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Just getting by day to day w/o a steady internet connection.

A couple hours ago, an old man at the bus stop offered me "delicious" poppy seed bagels. And I declined. He said "why not? Did you go to the (name) clinic?"

And I moved closer because did not hear him

And he had the nerve to ask if there was something wrong with my hearing

So I answered yes, overly sensitive hearing.



Felt kind of guilty and ashamed though. He was so old and his body did not appear to be in functional physical order. And it was in front of a veterans hospital

Maybe he thought I was a veteran



But I feel ashamed that I am just an unemployed civilian

When I was 18, maybe I should have enlisted

But I was too cowardly and lazy

So . Peer pressure and "parental" pressure

Went to ucsd
Which i later regret

The military

Sacrifice

Service

Honor

Belonging

But whatever

Now I can't join

MEPs disqualification

Menopause
Trump transgender ban
Irritable bowel syndrome
Obsessive compulsive disorder
Clinical depression
Ativan. For anxiety

And there could be others henceforth undiagnosed

Yeah anyways I feel ashamed and guilty

That 18 year olds with high school diploma

Enlist

And I am a coward and lazy

Afraid of getting exterminated, raped, hazed. Afraid of everything. Afraid of dishonorable discharge and the brig. And sleep deprivation









Thus I feel like a stupid useless worthless spoiled brat


Profiting from the labor of soldiers and sailors young enough to be my biological children

I love cream crackers me.

stolen Valor





I want to get treated with the respect that veterans get

But Stolen Valor is illegal

The other day I read that they closed down Disney World because of Hurricane Irma, and someone replied "Poor Mickey!" Then I said we probably don't have to worry about Mickey because of The Band Concert cartoon made in 1935 where he conducted a band playing "The Storm" while they were all being swept up in a tornado. After all the harassment and distractions from Donald Duck, a bee, and projectile ice cream a tornado was barely an inconvenience by then.

I started watching Gotham a few days ago. I'm on episode 7. Hey, look, there's a bit of a conversation

And then I had to go watch The Band Concert on YouTube even though I must have already seen it a million times, but it's one of the most Epic Mickey Mouse cartoons ever.

Feel like gorging

Burnout
Loser
Slacker
Too far gone
A day late, a dollar short
Lost cause
Wounded

Nothing to do tomorrow

Bored stiff



Wanna gorge



Cheddar, provolone, Swiss cheese
Ice cream
Guacamole
Tofu
Eggplant parmesan
Falafel
Hummus
Fried rice
Pasta
Meatballs
Fried chicken
Stuffing
Apple pie
Chocolate
Peanut butter
Pizza
Canzone
Lasagna
Enchilada
Burrito
Taco
French fries
Pancake
French bread
Hash brown
Fried noodles
Eggs

I'm apparently at the age where everyone automatically asks me if I have kids. How did this happen?
I think I made a good impression at the housing inspection. I don't know how that happened either. Otherwise I just feel like a massive f*ckup.

The shops are already full of Christmas stock.
Somebody please make it stop.

I need to make sure to take my Christmas music inoculation. Every year, a show called Sound Opinions posts a mix tape made by their friend, a near-obsessive collector of such music. It's like nothing you've ever heard, from the funky to the freaky, a thematic mix of songs you never heard unless you have a similar obsession. On years when I listen to it, the normie music has much less power to annoy me.

The loneliness

wow is this real life? my faith in humanity has been restored. xD

Precious lil "most people" act so judgmental, self important, morally innocent



Maybe nobody suitable will ever want to befriend or date me

Now that I am 34 maybe that is not such a bad thing

There are an infinite number of wrong And bad things they can do. And I could not arrange a written contract with them. Why would they want to be my precious lil "friend" anyways?

When there are so many precious lil "people" they could easily be friends with. Without a written contract

Besides what if they violate the written contract, then what?

There will always be an unlimited number of things they could do that, they think are ok and I think is not OK

Lodge.
Number 33.
Blue door.

I get frustrated with them but I don't understand why I want to cry about it. Something repressed, I think.
Leaving a marker.

I don't know why I'd care to help them, is what I mean. I get so upset that they can't see, but it's not for their sake. It's like I don't want them to bother you. Do they bother you? It seems like you'd be above it but I don't understand everything you do, and I feel this more than think it.
I wish they did understand, if it hurts you in any way.
I don't think that's the answer though. They can't see because they're not meant to, and besides that, they won't.

There's a difference between seeing something and that step beyond. I know that it's not right but I do't know what I can do about it.
I'm not even sure, if I should push? I feel like you show me just enough
Just enough

What if I pretended it was poison?
What if I *thought* that it was poison.
I know you're just there and you have me so what is the point of my being here, what are the mechanics? If it's supposed to be learning, I think I am. Maybe it's rehab, maybe something happened here. Maybe you're just keeping me safe.

Markers.
Please respond, you always do so well.