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BaldMan, I wish I knew what to say. Does helping other people in small ways ease that "burden" feeling at all?

Dragonsanddemons, that guitar class? Not fun! Sounds like you won't let their pace discourage you from learning and practicing though. I admire that.

Hugs to you both.

Data b 4



Helping someone does not ease the "burden" feeling at all



Sometimes someone intends to "help" and ends up hurting

Sometimes, actions and statements have effects that are not visible, physical, immediate, or direct

Sometimes it is not clear whether something helped or hurt or had no effect

And helping someone could cause codependency

Besides I have few or no job skills. Certainly not any skills worth over minimum wage



A previous licensed clinical social worker told me that the objective. Goal. Of counseling was to "feel better". But nobody measured my serotonin levels

Besides, cost benefit analysis

Maybe after counseling, my serotonin levels were higher. But maybe just sitting alone in a quiet room would have had the same result

And the current counselor charges 75 bucks an hour. Which is around the standard rate for other counselors

But to get 75 bucks I have to panhandle from a lot of strangers. So is the cost benefit analysis worth it?

Besides, what is so good about feeling better?

Maybe feeling better in the long term requires feeling worse in the short term

For example, if I ate a pound of lasagna , I would feel better while eating. And feel worse afterward

Furthermore, motels charge about 75 bucks a day. A night. Too. 75 bucks, when used strategically, could provide two weeks of food. Especially with the "help" of soup kitchens.

Room and board

75 bucks provides for unlimited bus fare, where I live



Anyways some precious lil "people" have the nerve to condescendingly offer "help" when you do not need or want help. And when you did not do anything wrong either

For example, on Sunday, a security guard had the nerve to ask me "do you need help" and he told me I was on the toilet for 30 minutes.

But I measured it. 15 minutes. There were five toilets and at least two of them were empty. Nobody was waiting for the toilet

And then he left and came back with another self-important precious lil "person". And that one had the nerve to tell me that if I did not leave in five minutes, he would call medical services.








It's like wtf


If they wanted to "help" me they could have just left me alone


If someone is raping me, someone can "help" by physically removing the rapist from my worthless corpse

Granted, I am not functioning well alone. (Fine)

But almost nobody has the authority, skill, desire, or energy to provide real "help"

That could be significant.

Today a stranger correctly pointed out that I was sitting on the ground, then I was sitting next to. (about two yards away from) them.


The stranger had the nerve to tell me that I was a "weirdo".


She was correct


But she had no clue how correct

I have never felt so desperate to find another situation.

And I literally cannot for multiple un-fixable reasons, without actually doing even more damage to my life. Long story.

that feeling where you feel as though you're missing something, but you don't know what it is.

The hilarity of saying something awful to people who know I don't mean it. Fingerd crossed, anyway.

MEPS
Dodmerb
ROTC
AFROTC
The garrison
The fleet
The latrine
The head
Advanced rank
Eagle Scout
Gold award
Noncommissioned officer
Smoked
Footlocker
Salute
Sir sandwich
Fraternizing
Red tape
Involuntary reclassification
Mandatory reclassification
Paris island
Quantico
Lack land, Texas
Gas chamber
Navy shower

Counseling
Straggling

I really want to cut myself and watch the blood flow out of the wound, but I know I shouldn't. Wish I had some way to get rid of, or at least ease, this urge.

Ytre le shwshavaát le tes mothiexen dalemoonn. Te le tes ze shwshava, o te le tes nel mothiexen shava veliray. Cah, de te leannis am pahat seflohy parafinie kate daianit, te vephavly am sellais am laget shwcaly...la le veie twnoth gelott.

People who don't know me say that it is nostalgia. I don't know what it is but I know for certain that it isn't nostalgia. So, when I close my window and turn on the blue paraffin lamp, I do not write anything in the diary beneath my pillow, except that one more day has passed.

After sitting in the underground carpark for some time today I've come to the conclusion that nobody in my town actually knows how to drive.

Calm these hands before they snare another pill and
Drive another nail down another meaty hole
Please release me

I am surrendering to gravity and the unknown
Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun
I choose to live



The question is, am I being selfish in that choice?
Those are lyrics from "Gravity" by A Perfect Circle. I'm finding them particularly applicable of late.

i'm the only person in the entire world who knows how to drive.

just kidding.

i backed into the front of a ford exploder the other day. my car was unscathed thankfully but i bent the other guy's front plates a bit and maybe left a scratch or two.

* That I feel trapped and like I might never be able to change.

* That I wish I can meet my best friend in real life one day, and that I'm sad that I'll never be able to because he lives in another country. We both worry a lot, so we worry it will never happen even though we would both love to meet.

Is this site for US only?