What's on your mind right now?

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Pick a gender.
Only 2 choices.
Shouldn't be difficult.

I pick neither, or both.

You HAVE to pick one.
No exceptions.

Male or female?

Which is more accepted by society in general (in a social setting)?

A) A woman
B) A lesbian
C) A man
D) A gay man

Which is least accepted?

In my area, all would be accepted equally.

That's nice, but it doesn't answer the question.
Is it inappropriate to ask?

Maybe if I ask like this:

If you were writing a story, would you make the protagonist male or female, gay or straight?
Which would be more accepted and relatable to most people?

And please don't say neither or both/genderless/sexless.

And what age would you make them?

Depends on the nature of the story and my targeted audience.

Arrrrggh!!

Ok, I'll stop asking stupid questions now.

I recall from your old avatar, it was the same person with a bunch of tattoos. Is that you, if so does that tats keep you from employment? Around here, it would keep you from lots of good jobs.

That's Oliver Sykes.

Googled, still don't know who he is. Man crush?

Inspiration.

quite frankly, i profoundly hate the entire demeanor personality of almost everyone that i have ever interacted with. yes, that includes myself.

of the ones that i do not abhor, almost all of them, i only interacted with several times, briefly, for superficial exchanges.

the demeanor that i like is more mellow. a balance between logic and emotion. a balance between extrovert and introvert. a balance between alert/aware, and relaxed.

and i do not have any of those.

i hate how emotional i am. a lot of things just do not make sense, emotionally. it's like whooptie do, something good. whooptie do. something bad. good and bad things eventually happen. rationally/logically, i know that it does not matter. that much. or at all. in the grand scheme of things.

but it is like my entire rotten corpse, reacts so theatrically. drama.

almost everyone that i have interacted with that is not way too emotional (by my standards), works in the STEM field.

however, plenty of precious lil "people" working in the STEM field, remain way too emotional.



it makes me wonder: can i change my personality?

personality is nature versus nurture. nature is already finished. and i am 34 years old.

but certainly, there are things someone can do, that permanently changes their personality.

if i can change my personality, then what is the proper method? and how much can personality get changed? and what are the drawbacks to changing personality?

if not, why not? and if not, what is the next best thing?








because i am so socially withdrawn and emotionally fragile. oftentimes, i am too lazy to even say a sentence. and i hold intense grudges, for a long amount of time. and i get obsessed with things from the distant past. and i fear and hate a lot of things. and almost everyone i have ever interacted with, disgusts me. and i am dissociated. nearly catatonic. brain fog. brain fart. detached. dissociated. it's like i can't respond to stimuli. and i can't concentrate or pay attention. except in the best of circumstances. but the world contains plenty of situations that must get responded to, correctly and immediately.

so as usual, i am so ashamed. i ain't got no precious lil "friends". no job, no job skills. even when i drive, i get uptight. anxiety. and guess speeds and distances wrong.

feel wierd. feel wierd. feel wired. feel weird. feel weird. feel wired. feel awkward. act awkward.

nothing appears worth doing.

without modesty, i ain't good at doing much. at least, not good at doing anything functional. useful. practical.

i do not know how to cook. just boil water. when i was 18, baked bread, pancakes, scones. taro roots. rice cooker. but seriously though.

how am i going to eat a diet that does not cost a lot of $$, if i only know how to cook potstickers?

i do not like precious lil "people". and i certainly do not like myself.

i get uptight. i get paranoid someone will rape me.

i wish i had some sort of skill. talent. talent show.

something i was good at. not just holding grudges.

i don't tend to forgive precious lil "people". or myself.

i do not know how to make conversation. small talk.

sooner or later, $$ will run out. and i might end up without room or board

homeless and hungry

panhandling

living in a cardboard box

under the freeway

dumpster diving for apples, bananas, bread

soup kitchen

food pantry

sometimes i get paranoid someone will rape or exterminate me

sometimes i just wanna gorge



even when things are "As Good As it Gets", i still wanna gorge.

and i fail at coping

i get an "F" at emotional resilience



when i was 20 years old, i briefly fancied enlisting in the Air Force. active duty.

combat engineer 12b

but i can barely handle being an unemployed civilian. and i live somewhere that is not that homophobic. seriously i am so ashamed of myself.

so of course, i could not handle:

basic training, boot camp, advanced individual training, tech school, "A" school, the garrison. Meals ready to eat allegedly cause extreme constipation. uniform inspections. hazing. "blanket party". getting smoked. getting quarterdecked. living in the barracks. peer pressure. drill instructors. getting sent to the infirmary. in the military, there is no limit to the number of hours they have to work per week. in the military, the supervisor can wake up the employee (soldier, sailor), in the middle of the night and make the sailor do work. getting yelled at. having to polish boots. ironing uniform. in the barracks, maybe it is easy to get sick, because there are so many soldiers living there - crowded - for a long time. and the soldiers do a lot of activities. that involve plenty of germs. getting sent to the brig. military jail. dishonorable discharge. failure to adapt. bad conduct discharge. Article 15. non judicial punishment. forfeit all pay. getting owned by the government. group showers. toilets without doors or stalls. having to stand at firewatch. having to work for 24 consecutive hours. getting a lot of shots/immunizations. sleep deprivation.

no way i could handle that

i would've been on the ground crying

and et cetera

but whatever

Parris Island

ROTC, OTC, OTS, West Point. united states naval academy, artillery, united states air force academy, united states coast guard academy

uniform inspections

having to make the rack (bed) a certain way

not getting enough sleep

it ain't gonna happen

ever

that was a fantasy. fancy. dream. delusion

not a goal

not a reality

it never happened. occurred. it is not happening. it will never and could never occur

and i am just a scuzzy civilian

good for nothing

i am so ashamed of being a civilian

but whatever

plenty of precious lil "people" much more emotional than me, act like they are entitled to it and proud of it

not all civilians are ashamed of being civilians

veteran

civilian

exempt jury duty

homeless and disabled veteran

"friendly fire"

wounded warrior

infantryman

infantry

ASVAB

non commissioned officer

advanced rank

Eagle Scout

JROTC

drop on request

refuse to train

failure to adapt

I'm not going back to that thread
I'm not going back to that thread
I'm not going back to that thread
I will probably go back to that thread
Who am I kidding?