What's on your mind right now?

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Hikari.

The war-mongering.

Wanting something to eat now. Even though I ate breakfast {waffles} and lunch {a gyro wrap}, I am still hungry.

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^^

No, you are not.

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Feeling your pain so much right now. I just reviewed those moments in my history to try to learn more. It still hurts, but I can resolve to do a lot better. I place my hope for some kind of redemption in that.

Every time there's a shooting in the US (every week practically) or some other horrific incident, all the governments can say is that "their thoughts and prayers" are with the victims. I hate hearing such a filthy lie. For one, I don't like use of the word "prayers", I prefer "hopes" or "wishes" instead. Second and much more importantly, saying those things are clearly NOT enough, especially when coming from so-called leaders who are supposed to actually DO things instead of just saying a bunch of cliche'd BS that they repeat over and over like mindless parrots to make it look as if they care.

I'm wondering if getting on Facebook was a mistake. I'm seeing everyone I know from work. I try to keep work and personal life separate. Ugh. I can't delete my account now cause I've put through friend requests and I'm getting requests. What a mess. I hope no one contacts me from my old job. Jesus.

I mentioned a while ago that I got an email from a job I'd applied to asking for a good time to call me sometime over the next week. I sent an email in reply the Wednesday before last, and I still haven't gotten a call. My mom said this company has also had ads on TV (I didn't know, I don't really watch TV), so they may well have found someone they thought seemed more promising for the position

Work tomorrow, how will it go, will my routine go to plan?

I wondered why my fish didn't come out to eat tonight. It was dead, that's why

A guy who questioned me the differences between states... And my own answer.


To be autistic, and lose anxiety only loses the concept of constant fear and worry. It'll only lose the automatic state of panic, of fight and flight dramatically.

It does not mean immune. More than ready, yes, but not immune. As the state of anxiety reduced to a mere state of mind -- a part of human ups and downs, and temporary -- and not a part of daily life nor something to be manage, nor fight on daily basis.

The lack of anxiety does not gain more social skills -- what it gains, however, is the guts to try it again with little worry about 'messing up' or ever lessen the chances of emotionally breaking down.
Therefore, more data can be reached, and more 'chances' taken.

The lack of anxiety does not gain sensory filter nor desensitizes -- it gains, what it may call a 'threshold' to take more stimuli, in terms both quantity and intensity.
It'll even give more chances to have a wider range of comfort zones than the norm if one knows how to work with it.

The lack of anxiety does not relish you of repetitive actions and thoughts. The main difference is that anxiety had to do with worry -- either clinging on problems, or clinging in hope.
The repetition without anxiety, isn't mostly out of need nor out worry -- but out of pleasure, out of curiosity, out of drive to settle and finish things off -- and not merely coping nor seeking solace out of predictability.

The lack of anxiety does not gain you the sync and drive that NTs taken for granted. You will still experience constant chaos, still out of sync, and will still be different in perception and cognition. Regardless of upbringing, and regardless of past experiences.
The main difference is that without anxiety, you can take the chaos, the unpredictability, the lack of control of things -- to be able to take it as it is. To change and take charge is a choice whether out of preference or drive, not a need nor an obligation of self or another.

The lack of anxiety does not gain you a sensory/emotional/mentally self-regulating body -- because you're still autistic.
Your executive functioning is still as crappy, your body language and tone is still as odd, and language and communication is entirely up to you.
You don't gain extensive vocabulary, good grammar, and more precise speech -- you will, however, gain confidence and that's it. And your socio-emotional remains the same, still as delayed, and still as slow growing.


If you're diagnosed as autistic, then no longer have any form anxiety, and start gaining things that NTs would have, and losing autistic traits and symptoms -- you better start questioning if you're autistic to begin with, and being held back by anxiety alone.

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Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

I kind of wish I had something to do for Halloween. I love all things supernatural/paranormal, the creepier the better, so it feels like I should do something, but while I still look like a teenager and could probably get away with trick-or-treating if I wanted to, I'd feel too awkward doing it, and I don't have any in-person friends and therefore won't be invited to any parties. But on the other hand, I have been working on a costume just for fun, but I have to make it entirely from scratch, and I'm afraid it won't look nearly as good as I hope, and even if I did have a party to go to, I probably wouldn't be able to stay in character for it, which I'd really like to do - but I have horrible social anxiety, haven't been to a party in years, and the last one I went to (almost a decade after the one before that), I spent the entire time just standing awkwardly in a corner while everyone ignored me, including the person who invited me

I don't need to read the news. I need to watch some comedy.

I have so much things I need to get done (or at least it feels like a lot, because I'm so f*****g sick of things like this) The lamp dome in the kitchen broke as I was trying to unscrew it. The warranty covers that, but I don't think the store where I bought it has ordered a new one even though they said they were going to. I think I have to go in there and talk to them in person. The dimmer for the living room lamp isn't working correctly, it sometimes flashes. I've talked to the electrical company and they said it's not a fire hazard, but if it continues it might be an idea to replace it. If so I think that should be covered by warranty as well.

Then it's the shower cabinet, I should get going on that thing. Also the scooter needs to be placed in winter storage. At some point the floors in the whole apartment needs to be done all over. That's out of my hands for the moment. The zipper in my jacket needs to be replaced (it's an expensive jacket, so it's better to do that, then buy a new one) Which means I have to send it to Oslo for repair.

It's now 8.30 pm, and I've had breakfast and showered.... Maybe I'll skip sleeping tonight(or tomorrow is more correctly) and can get something done.