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I am the one who invented tap shoes!

my favourite sound is the alarm clock, it's ringing is heaven to my ears. every night i fall asleep with anticipation for the next time i can hear that sweet sound again

Pumpkins are actually aliens from the future, disguised to study us. They secretly love being made into pies.

I invented Halloween.

I thought we needed a nice, romantic holiday like that.

Can't do. I never lie.

A few years ago I had my arms surgically replaced with tentacles.

It is working out great! They can do things the old one-bend-in-the-middle arms can't.

I encourage you to get the same surgery. You'll be glad you did!

Australians often tease tourists that carnivorous "drop scones" will fall out of the trees and attack them. This riffs on the completely harmless koala scone, which is technically not a scone at all but a kind of muffin.

Liars are so honest…..

yesterday i stubbed my toe on the corner of my bed and i died

^Whoops!

I live in the Northern Hemisphere and we are now finishing Autumn. Which means the trees have dropped almost all of their leaves.

That's a lot of leaves!

I customized our house to have leaf blowers built-in along the sidewalks and driveway. Hit a switch and the leaves are gone! (Well, the leaves are out of the way, anyway.)

Um. I turned the system on for the first time yesterday (I'd just finished installing it). I think the leaf blowers might be too powerful. Frankly, I'm not even sure where the house landed! I don't recognize anything around the area.

The Beatles are my favourite band and The Monkees is my favourite TV show.

The majority of package delivery drivers are deaf.

That's because they spend all day in the delivery truck with the music too loud

I hate otters.

I'm the perfect specimen of an Anglo Canadian.