It is unknown how much trauma I actually have.
Either I have it and expressed it differently and subtly and it's largely untreated and it's getting worse.
Or actually don't and have it really lucky at that aspect and I'm just aging badly and too soon...
If and if I actually have it bad in usual cases of AS, then...
Where's the nightmares?
Where's the chronic anxiety?
Where's the worrying and fear??
Where's the need for assurance and insecurity??
Where's the loneliness and isolation?
I know how to summon inner voices, both negative and positive. It's just getting negative.
The subtle issues came first before the blatant negativity. It's just that I know how to forgive myself at anyturn, but enough is
enough.
All I get is bouts of inappropriate anger I've been fighting since I was 5 or so.
It's what made me a pessimist for most part and I don't know where it came from.
It's not like I ever hid that fact from anyone, and anyone well read enough would see it from a mile away.
And I just grow more overwhelmed, unreliable and confused.
It's not even about changes anymore -- my responsibilities didn't changed much -- it was even lighter now!..
“Thank you Edna for still being here “……..I get about massive extended trauma on various levels ….a lot of what you wrote here I can relate to my ptsd ,starting all the back in the crib,brought upon by a immediate relative.and it goes on and on from there. (And yes my memory is intact.).