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When my brother orders spaghetti in classy restaurants, he likes to paint a smile on his face with the sauce and then pretend he's the Joker or Pennywise the clown. Then he tries to jumpscare the waitress when she come over to ask how everything's going. He is not a well man.

My bedroom is infested with iguanas. I read on the internet that the solution is to put out food for them, but now more are coming and I'm running out of food. I must be doing it wrong, since the internet is always right.

I'm married with 13 children.