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Whenever I hear people coughing in public right now it makes me uneasy because I read that the 1918 flu pandemic started in the summer when most people aren't worried they'll get sick.

Cathy Lynn

Today I filled out the job application for Library Aide. Phoned all the libraries within public transportation distance. Only four of them had Library Aide openings.

Ready to go there and turn them in.

Of course I would much rather just emailed, snail mail, or slip it under the door

But then they might correctly tell me that I failed to follow directions and that made me unqualified for the job







The more jobs I apply for, the more rejections







Maybe I ought to just start panhandling

Recycling bottles and cans

There is something wrong with everything

At least nobody could make me redundant


Self employment





"Life" is "As Good As it Gets" and going nowhere as usual


And I ain't got no clue what I am doing (if anything)


Nobody will "help" me





Hate the word "help" . It sounds so dramatic

"Care"


The word "help" sounds like someone dragged my worthless corpse out of a burning building



Precious lil "people" say "may I help you?"

Like they are so valuable


The current counselor told me that "you were helping people eat" ( when I was working at a restaurant)




She made it sound like, I was a Peace corps volunteer. "Help" five thousand people eat, two thousand calories per day, each. For two years. As a result, none of them dropped dead. Otherwise all of them would have dropped dead. And dropping dead is always a bad thing





Wrong wrong wrong





If I was not "helping people eat", then someone else would have worked there. If nobody worked there, customers would have eaten something else. If customers did not eat something else, they would have lost couple of pounds for a few days

Nothing drastic would have happened


That otherwise would not have happened





Feel stupid

Asvab

Afoqt

Fubar

Military details

Watch guard

Stays

MEPS

Edward Snowden




ROTC

OTC

Presidential pardon

Demotion

Confined to quarters

AWOL

Upgrade discharge

Getting smoked

Mess hall

Ship

Barracks

Hoping to become employed again so, I can earn greater income which will allow me to make towards my in the near future physical relocation/move

T-shirt quilt

Doctor Spock and the spoiled upper middle class brat



Filled out job application for Library Aide

Dressed up

Planning to go turn in job applications today

Socially awkward



Would rather email or put it in the mailbox

But it could get thrown away

And then the manager could say I didn't follow directions




Nothing to do for the rest of my "life"


Crave adventure

new, different, adventure





Getting too much routine


Neuroplasticity


Inferiority complex



Homophobia, IQ, job, socially awkward,





That's not changing


Written contract for friends






Expectations and assumptions

They should not, cannot, will not, expect to get whatever they want at all times

Compromise

No saying "most people"

No saying "you got mad"

Anger is an emotion, not a catastrophe or an event





Anyone that says "what" instead of "excuse me" is not my "friend"



So many precious lil "people" act like they are so morally innocent and perfect and important

No judgemental attitude "why are you not happy"

figuring out where i'm headed.

"Still, separation continues to masquerade as strength, and your politics, your economics, and even your religions have perpetuated the lie. This lie is the genesis of all wars and all the class struggles that lead to war; of all animosity between races and genders, and all the power struggles that lead to animosity; of all personal trials and tribulations, and all the internal struggles that lead to tribulations. Still, you cling to the lie tenaciously, no matter where you’ve seen it lead you—even as it has led you to your own destruction. Now I tell you this: Know the truth, and the truth shall set you free. There is no separation. Not from each other, not from God, and not from anything that is. This truth I will repeat over and over on these pages. This observation I will make again and again. Act as if you were separate from nothing, and no one, and you will heal your world tomorrow. This is the greatest secret of all time. It is the answer for which man has searched for millennia."

[from Conversations with God]

^^^that's one grand thought there

death is too good for the people for whom society would grant such a thing.

Cathy Lynn

Today took the train to three out of four libraries and turned in job applications

The fourth library is not close to the train station and is closed today

Put on trousers, long sleeve dress shirt

For nothing

The reference desk took the application

Did not have to awkwardly shake someones hand




But how was I supposed to know?





There was nothing hard about it

But it took a lot of energy

If and when I work there, exhausted

Different neighborhood

Mentally tiring




But maybe nobody will ever make the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse ever again


fear, fantasy





Today was as good as it gets

And that ain't that great

No precious lil "friends"

No hobbies

Nothing to do all day long





While filling out the application form, felt ashamed of how few jobs I have had, how short they lasted (time), the minimum wage labor, and got fired





"Great personality"

Even I hate my personality





The current counselor said that the professional treatment for personality disorders, is dialectical behavioral therapy


Dbt



Sitting around talking for one hundred dollars an hour


Can't afford it
And never will be able to


But "actions speak louder than words"

Talking only goes so far





35 years old


I am too far gone

Beyond repair

Hopeless

Helpless

Wounded


It takes a lot of energy, to pay the slightest bit of attention and it lasts only briefly.







But if do not get a job, then what?


Waste the rest of my "life" complaining about my childhood


Does not make sense





So many job I can't do

Can't drive to work or on work

No STEM degree

Bad job history

Almost no job skills

Can't work full time

GLOBAL WARMING! yes it is written in all caps in my mind to.