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Have you head of an English person who wanted to buy a German helmet?

Neither have I!

Q: How can you tell when a curbie has something on his mind?
B: When he wears a hat!

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30.

^ i don't get it.

How did the police know Princess Diana had dandruff?


They found her head and shoulders in the front seat.

^2:30 sounds like "tooth-hurty".

The past, present and future walked into a bar.

It was tense.

Three astronauts were discussing what their next big space mission should be. The first one said "We should travel to the moon." The second one said, "We should travel to Mars." The third one, who wasn't the brightest star in the galaxy, said "We should travel to the sun!"
The other two astronauts just just laughed and said, "That's crazy! The sun is so hot we'll all burn up before we even get close to it."
Astronaut Number Three said, "Not if we travel at night!"

A couple has a baby with a strange birth defect – a golden screw stuck in his belly button. Doctors assure them there’s nothing to be done about it. So the couple takes him home and raises him right and proper. The boy, alas, grows up ashamed of his difference and blames it on the fact that he has no friends, can’t get a date, has a crummy job, etc. (In truth, his problems are not due to the golden screw, but to the fact that he is, in fact, a total as*hole. But perhaps I am editorializing.) Anyway, he goes to experts around the world to remove the screw, and gets nowhere. He’s told to just live with it. He sees scientists and surgeons and witch doctors and gurus and philosophers and sorcerers of all kinds and descriptions. Finally, he goes to a holy man who lives in a tower in the desert somewhere, who says, “I’ll tell you how to get rid of this thing, but you won’t like it. Maybe you should just accept yourself as you are.” But the guy insists, so the holy man gives him a set of instructions to follow during the next full moon. He follows the instructions to the letter, then lays down on a lawn chair under the moon – naked, of course – and waits for something to happen. Finally, a golden dot on the moon gets bigger and bigger and bigger – and closer and closer and closer. After a time, he realizes that a golden screwdriver is flying through the air, directly toward the guy, and he is powerless to escape. The giant golden screwdriver lands delicately on the golden screw, makes a few quick turns, and flies away, bringing the screw with it. The young man lays there for a long time (did I mention he was nude?) and marvels at what he has seen. Finally he yawns, stretches and stands up.

And his butt falls off.

A man on a cruise ship accidentally falls overboard late one night. As he helplessly splashes around in the water, a very happily drunk guy stumbles up to the rail. The drowning man yells up to him, "I can't swim, I can't swim!"

"Neither can I." the drunkard slurred, "But at least I'm not yelling to the whole world about it!"

my dexterity when handling brushes.

My life

what do you call a three humped camel?


....by its name. show some respect.

Why did the chess board maker have a bad reputation?

Because he had a checkered life.

Timmy had a chicken,
Timmy had a duck,
He put them on a table,
To see if they would... JUMP OFF!

If you are going to take my picture,

make it snappy!