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Cathy Lynn

Livejournal is a blog

It's recently gone out of style

But I am still on it




Breasts feel large and heavy


Not all women have breasts

Some men have breasts

Felt like gorging

Ate til bloated

No plans for the rest of my "life"

Only one friend interacts with me regularly

At the grocery store, saw a flyer

Coding boot camp six month, free and stipend

Gave it to friend

She said she went to two events already

But if she gets into boot camp, she can't go to aikido. At least,bshe can't stay late

Six months , she can only go weekends




Being greedy


Craving gone haywire

Vancouver General called today. They asked if I wanted to be in a private room, a semi-private room or a ward. I told them that I wanted to be in a ward. I figured that I'd save my parents money since I haven't been an ideal family member over the past three years. I've figured that it's the least I could do.

flipping against my will, from diurnal back to nocturnal.

If there is such a thing as Jungian style 'global consciousness' I dread how I damage it profusely whenever I view or venture close to pornography like I did yesterday for which there will be an outcome which will induce anxiety and which in a religious framework is something to the effect of 'commination for sins'---the thing which I dread, where selves dissolve and which keep anything with an experential internal quality regulated via something only naively called 'caring'..the penalty for the embracing a quasi-mating impulse is what I await at this point b/c being given carte blanche for what I did would put me on par/ no better than the apparently worst interactors-with-human-kind like say Putin or Trump.

Some might call the above an elaboration of guilt or shame--I imagine passive-aggressive fools like Anthony or Daimion making something out of it although if I had a divinely given 'license to kill watered down' i.e. being given license to assert with a guaranteed non-effectual penalization to me or others I care for/love, I wouldn't mind intellectually or emotionally tearing them to ribbons.

I finished watching a somewhat hokey 'Jurassic world: fallen kingdom' and am scared that somehow what I did yesterday will affect the possible social assistance I could expect.

I wonder how today will go...
Will I find people who can help me?
Where will I spend the night?
Why is it so cold here?
Why am I so afraid of TV?

it has been my experience that most cops/guards are like hammers looking for something to nail.

Only had minimum wage jobs and got fired

Worried about not having room and board

My friend told me that she recently got fired from her 11 dollar an hour job

She has an apartment in an expensive neighborhood

She drives a car and she is relaxed about parking tickets

Every time we interact she goes to a cafe for sandwich, toast, coffee.

She is trying to get into coding boot camp

That I told her about

Six months

Monday to Friday

9 to 6 pm

And homework

She won't have time or energy to work

But still she's giving $$$ to strangers

Some things just can't be explained.

Kip,

I agree with everyone here. You are a worthwhile person here. You can do things at your young age I can't do. I have no understanding of automobile mechanics and can't do art as you do. You are also a nice person.

I actually got questioned by a security guard once because someone saw me in a public bathroom crying.[/quote]

Well, way back in 2006, I happened to be horrendously misidentified as being someone on the no fly list..

I really wish I would just die of natural causes already, I'm so tired of just being an inconvenience/annoyance, of nothing working even after thirteen years or so of trying to manage my various mental disorders and such (primarily depression), of applying to job after job after job (yes, including crappy part-time jobs - the only two jobs I've ever been able to get were both working as a part-time janitor) and no place wanting to hire me, and most of all, I'm just so utterly exhausted of living. I truly can't bear the thought that I might well only be a quarter of the way done. I've had little to no desire or will to live for as long as I can remember. The only reason I'm not doing it myself is that it will be easier on my parents if I die by natural causes instead, or at least something besides my own hand, something none of us really had any control over. But I can't find words adequate to express how very much I feel ready to be done.

appetite going haywire.

just finished eating Trader Joe's hummus wrap, delicious as usual. hummus, carrots, whole wheat tortilla. tasted like burrito or pizza. hummus tasted like cheese.

0.6 pound Whole Foods salad bar. tasted kind of flat and not worth the price.

kit kat. it had a seasonal theme, and more chocolate than the usual milk chocolate bar.

feel like gorging.

prader willi syndrome.

what i do not get, is why some precious lil "people" keep chuckling wisely every couple of seconds.

not everything is funny, amusing, delicious, or awesome. nor does it have to be.