What's on your mind right now?

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That dreaded moment when you start the last chapter of an incredible book and you know you're going to either cry, or rue yourself for not having written it yourself, or both. My money's on both.

It happened ^ .

I'm absolutely speechless. What a truly extraordinary, incomparable work of art. I need my smelling salts now.

My timing sucks ass sometimes.

There are trolls on reddit and they're having the opposite affect to what they intended. Someone seriously tried to imply a rape victim is as much to blame as a rapist... Someone else tried to justify paedophilia. Some right sickos out there... Trying not to waste my time getting involved with such lost causes...

I have so much more guilt than other people.

I can't wear jeans. I tried to wear jeans today and was fine all morning then I had lunch and felt bloated. I'm sure if I got a different fit it would be different but still. Scared to put this on here in case I get fat shamed - I'm regular weight and was underweight when I bought my jeans. Up until I was in my mid twenties I was underweight all my life and you could see my ribs because I didn't eat.

I really miss football and want to see it on Saturday and I'm not even sure about if it's on TV. I really want to go to the CSC sometime but my stepdad never invites me out to go there and I'm not going alone because I'm a youngish woman and I don't think that's a good idea.

Someone is flying aeroplanes which is annoying.

Tonight I'll go back to writing formal poetry.

Spent too much time on here and on Reddit and didn't get any art done This is a pattern. I get into a drawing rut or a not drawing rut. Right now is a not drawing rut.

I'm too much of a confusing person for other people to understand and I don't know how to present a precis of myself. Closest I can do is to mask myself and show who they want to see.

Hunger isn't on YouTube anymore which is annoying cos I love that movie but not enough to pay for it when I don't have the money.

I've been writing a lot about granddad and his heart lately. I can think of nicer muses. I hope the family don't mind if anything gets published.

Okay, so now a repetitive noise in the living room at times that sound like an audio phone or messenger or noise a appliance makes when waiting for action. It's a bit annoying. I'm debating with myself wether to tell the neighbor myself to turn it off or down. Don't know if that's wise. I called the noise patrol officer but no response.

If I were to choose between every 2 weeks of dysfunction and the ability to conceive, from not having to deal said dysfunction and not able to conceive...

I'd take the latter in a heartbeat.


Really, what's the point of not having to trust myself 2 weeks a month for having a female body when I have no real interest in romance, let alone having children?
What's the point of pursuing that when you cannot trust yourself half the time, when at your best self still clearly choose the latter?

Really!.. Why waste over 30-40 years of my life wrestling these inconvenient sensations just for something I don't ever had a use for?



Yes. I'm damn aware that I'm only 23. But the cycles gave me bigger inconveniences to my progress and even my future. In fact, I may as well become worse over the years despite modifying my lifestyle little by little... My very productive and competent self appears at certain times, only to end with an inconvenient bodily state.
It might be as well be the very one I have no name for, the one I've been trying to pinpoint for most of my life. The very one that subtly bothers me in my waking life -- another layer of nuisance along with others.

But in the end of the day, I refer myself as female -- not a woman. Kinda why I have little issue with this; I have no issues with being identified as a woman, being addressed as a 'she' or a 'lady' and I have no issues with being less of a 'woman' or 'lady'.
'Womanhood', while it's one huge influence in my life in general, it barely touches my inner world and core.

I only know how to be one on the outside, but never in spirit... I've been surrounded by so many women in my life, seen lots of things they do and do best. Heck, even my mom's one most active of the local advocates I've known.


And before someone assumes, no. I'm not trans. I'm not a man in a female body either.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Probably better not to name names but...

1 this neighbour who led me on

2 how I can't say someone's attractive cos everyone hears his surname and thinks 'ugly'

3 how racialised who's attractive and who isn't is and that's a problem

4 how ridiculous it is that I can't flirt with people from the local village and our neighbourhood without being called deluded

5 it's sometimes good to just have brief flirtations with people who are attractive but not very nice

6 I'm bi. People who judge this are bigots

I'm wondering if I'm okay.
I'm lonely too.
The man that left me didn't live with me.
I still feel an empty place.
I'm still feeling somewhat pissed and shocked.
Some anger left over from being over stimulated.
I kind of wish I had a punching bag.
And, one of my goals would be to get a house in the woods.

Happy 199th Birthday to Anne Brontë (1820 - 1849)

Anne died of TB at the age of 29, just five months after Emily who was 30, and eight months after Branwell who was 31. Their sisters died of TB aged 10 and 11, twenty five years before.

I'm thinking about how the course of life and literature would have been changed by such a simple yet miraculous thing as antibiotics, and I'm praising Anne for her courage in the face of Victorian misogyny.

Rest in peace, Anne (Acton, Annii)

Simply trying to make a better way..

A search of this https://www.youtube.com/results?search_ ... od+teacher won't solve all my problems.