What's on your mind right now?

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67EKAIY43kg

I am thinking about when I get down, and then I get crabby, and then I can pick fights with my spouse (I try very hard not to and when I start to do it, I know I need to back down), or I can snap back at clients' parents, many of whom are truly the biggest barrier to progress. I suggested one parent choose a different case worker (I can't "fire" any clients, they have to choose) and he agreed, which was great!! ! Been trying to get rid of that case for more than a decade.

But the point is, that I don't want to be behaving that way. And to excuse myself, I don't want to be whining and moping. So I am reaching deep inside for that different place, a center, from which I can draw strength and stay on my track rather than whining about how I can't. Is there an emoji for being strongly centered? Although usually used for love, affection and support, I will choose a heart today for strong, centered, and courageous.

The Kinks

Getting home to finish an essay that is due later this week.

Blood transfusion

Dialysis

Chemotherapy

Homophobia

Breast reduction surgery

Wondering whether, I should consider self employment, seeing as how there is constantly jumping through hoops and barriers that are constantly appearing?

When the f---k will a fair amount of society admit that a fair amount of 'the working class' did not want to be working class. Underemployed students, degree educated immigrants who don't get their creditenials recognized, legitimately responsible and smart ppl with debilitating impairments visible AND non-visible.

Stop pretending that we're smiling, turn of the century primary sector labourers and admit that to how anything in the 'post-secondary' sector which isn't quasi-industrialized like call centres is still subject to the filthy popularity contest distribution of power/politics by ppl who 'never stop being children inside' .i.e. were self-satisfied with following the unfairly advantaged blood-soaked iniquity generatings hands of the foolishly entitled d---bags before them and like them continue to generate lip-service to value-systems which are suppose to become more prevalent, unambiguous, responsibly materially impacting in an 'information age' not meant to be about 'popular rich kid' shenanigans anymore.

Per usual, if you would like to me to shut up, please hire me at a place I like without many if any jacka--.

As 'mighty big' a request as the aftermath of asking a genie that you would like to *always* remain sane throughout your life.

Sports shops have started selling designer sportswear, Armani etc, and I quite want some but I bet it costs a fortune

Holiday club when the parent isn’t working and the kid isn’t severely disabled seems really selfish to me

Self help videos on Youtube are even worse than self help books

I’ve started to feel like I’m on show again

Gemma on corrie isn’t much of a mum

Football pushes gambling too much

A crap holiday makes you more aware of if you’re compatible or not than a good one

Everyone who is grey morally has someone who they stay moral for

People will probably judge me for only having half a family

English football banter is so milk toast

I wonder if other adults can’t take meds

Mum watches gross programmes

I would mind sexism less if people I knew were like the stereotypes

He acted shocked but most have known what I’d done. For a clearly autistic guy with learning problems he can be a good liar

I wonder if it’s possible to be a ned without realising it because when I break down bits of my life they’re really trashy and I came from a not posh area

Whenever I slag off Rob along with other things it is literally the only thing people talk about. Especially them

Cute cat pictures

So it's holy week, and I got 4 days long of mostly silence.
Here's my day one thoughts number one --


Yes, I'm a filipino -- born and raised like one.

Yes, I have relatives who are working abroad. Yes, I know those who got lucky and moved their entire household abroad. Yes, I know some who are humble and are willing to support their entire branch of their family.
Yes, I also knew some branches of such family that are reasonably good. Yes, I also knew some household who are very spiritually close, whose priority is their families and friends above anything else, and their success is just their tool that serves the purpose of supporting their family.
Or the uppity demanding kinds who rides on coattails. And heck yes, nepotism.
Yes, I also know too many colonial mentality crap, the superiority inferiority crap, and other shallow infuriating social-like crap that NTs indulge themselves with only more than trice as worse that even foreign NTs would complain, that even NT natives would discriminate each other. It's like tribalism... Within tribalism... And more chaotic because personal and professional stuff are blurred to begin with, and other more social stuff remained blurrier than that.

Yes, this is also how I see too many people changes after spending their time abroad. Yes, I know the willing ones who would gladly change their national identity. Yes, I also knew ones who just wants a job, whose motivation is far from selfish, and just wants to go home to their love ones when it's over.

And yes, I also know those who are not lucky enough and didn't get their plans their way -- one or so supporter stuck on low paying job, family baring recognizing them, can't go home, etc.. And my family's one of them.



But I'm also autistic, which also counts for something still. And thus the nationality I'm born with? It's like with gender, really. It's just mostly what I know throughout my life and around me, but not much within me is touched by it nor am I in spirit.

It just pisses me off and it makes me sad at the same time -- observing these things from a distance. Maybe I always had. Not because 'I wanna be there' heck no. It's 'just what the heck are humans doing?'?
Am I in a front seat row or closer to such from the audience's view? Even if I'm not the one who gets at the end of it like most participants, at least not directly. I know I like being the witness of things but...
And while at it, I'm just trying to distract myself by not letting me remind that I don't like humans being humans -- by indulging myself into the chaotic sensory mess that I'd usually have to deal with.
Now I got the time and the right spaces for it, I'm seeing -- thinking it again. I'm seeing things from a distance again. It's just so peaceful 'up here' as always. But it's kinda melancholy. Sigh...

I wanna stay 'up here' and recuperate. Why am I not doing this every week? Ah, right. Sure, a rest day but it's not as peaceful or quiet enough to make me reach my mind 'up here'. I guess it reminded me again how solitary is pretty much a luxury here -- no jobs to anticipate with, no chores to anticipate with, no people to anticipate with... Almost nothing to anticipate with except just this silence...

So right now, in a sensory level I'm very much enjoying it. In another level, it's just me with nothing else to do maybe except entertain myself, indulge myself snacks and games perhaps.
But on another level, it's like I'm contemplating and thinking of things -- and those things are just melancholic and still... I would go for a walk when I'm bored here at home, but that other level of myself remains on such state...

I may or may not post something just as long later.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Unemployable

Halfway house

Group home

Island

Peninsula

Lagoon

Doomed

In some ways, "life" is like a video game

Hate idiots calling me "they".

Hormone replacement therapy

Hobby

Job

Friend

Exhausted all the options a long time ago

Brain feels permanently numb


Brain on strike


Nothing to do all day long



Precious lil "people" are lil dipshits

People refuse to believe that emotional abuse can be one way. Even my best friend on here thinks what happened with me and dad was that we had a 'bad relationship' and 'refused to fight with each other'. No. Dad would fight with people for giving him funny looks. Dad tried to fight with me once because I asked him if I could use the bathroom in the middle of playing a game, so I had to rush to save his feelings when really - I was brought up to ask to use the toilet if one was in the middle of doing something. Dad picked on me for saying sorry a lot, I'm female and British and a decent person, I say sorry sometimes.

What it is is that the relationship was stage managed.

First of all (I really wish she hadn't) mum stage managed it. Our home town was great for kids in the 90s. Tourist place. She got him to take me to all these cheap places which were free/cheap if you were on benefits. She made sure it was only 2 hours. She bought presents and pretended they were his. She stressed the whole time.

Then he buggered off to Spain. Sent me presents back because he was working. Sent me letters and emails. Whenever I was away from him in person we got on. From a distance.

Then he returned, same cycle. Sooner or later I was a teenager and he started asking 'what do you want to do'. I picked cafes. Anywhere remotely posh (Pizza Hut is 'posh' - any place with waitress service) he kicked off. They ask you sometimes 'how is your meal'. He kicked off at them every time and we were kicked oubt of the place every time. As I got older (I have autistic youthful looks) he would blow off at them as soon as I invariably got a children's menu. I learnt to kick off/have meltdowns at that too. When I was with mum and it happened, she calmed me down. Dad used it as an excuse to kick off.

He never learnt to treat me like an adult. He never learnt adults don't sit on knees. Adults don't need following into aisles. We never bickered because I would be too scared of his reaction. Therefore, he never blew off at me until a few days ago. Before that, whenever I would even hesitate he blamed my mother.

After he came out of hospital, I text him and we had a text based relationship and wrongly I thought that was what we both wanted. Until I couldn't lie anymore and had to tell him that for the sake of my own mental health I've returned to this county.

You know cos someone with social anxiety might have mental health problems too.

Now he said I don't love him, says I never loved him, he disowned me because I feel unsafe around him.

Ironically he could be coming at this from an atheist pov and I could be coming at it from a Chritian one even though our religions are reversed. I hate his brain which makes him this way. I love his soul. His soul is the part of him which likes doing art and loves Spain. The part of him I've known via text.His brain makes bad things happen.

But whether he's doing this on purpose or not it is not my fault and sometimes emotional abuse can be one sided.

If someone else is in that sort of situation - get out. Especially if it's not blood but even if it is, like mine, get out. And if you're married and have kids, do what mum didn't and get them out too. Because he almost hit me when I was one and crying. She believed 'kids have a right to their fathers' trumped 'kids have a right not to be around abusive people' - I don't think so.

The fact that most of us ( arriving at ‘the meaning of life’ or ‘the purpose of life’ not withstanding) that most of us will be forced in our lives to spend it in ways,’not worth our time’.

Enraging.Enragement.

I understand now that it was a one-sided thing with your dad.