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I'm reminding myself that my ex isn't good for me. He just wants to get the least amount of responsibility that he can. He doesn't care about my son. He doesn't care about me other than on the surface.
The person I thought he was is a lie.

My son is not him.

I still need support.
But, there is a point where the ex and I have to cut off.
So, far so good.

He's not seeming interested in any rights to my son.
But, he makes me sick with his pretending to care.

KS zoo tiger attack , mr Norris has stated his opinion :

You know the tiger rug Inosanto have in his chair in the movie Game of Death , that was a tiger who tried to play hardball with me one day , which is not a clever thing to do , lets put it like that.

-Chuck Norris

(Norris hath spoketh)

On a different website I’m expecting semi-horrified response(s) to messages I sent.

I have this real urge right now to text him and moan but I don't have his number anymore.

Selfish git.

The intensity of the 'Y: the last man' comics in displaying the importance of feminism is what 'Animosity' is in displaying the importance of animal rights.

Not too sure if I could stomach to read something like that anymore.

The thing I like about health how mental health is taken more seriously each day is that it means that more and more we are narrowing down our way to the number of marginal number of [expletive] who f---k up things for most +7.6 billion.

Right at this very moment, the earth is shaking.

I can feel it... I can feel a huge shift from where I'm sitting right now. Then everything suddenly moved.
It's the kind of subtle shaking that could make me feel dizzy as opposed to wild, fast, and nausea inducing kinds of shaking.



Edit; it lasts for about a minute.

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People on here don't like me and I know it and I know I'm out of place. I wouldn't mind if it was all based on us having different interests but when it's based on me being too autistic, I find that hard.

Still going to stick here because I don't really have anywhere else to be open about being autistic and at least on here I can be honest about it even if I get treated badly because of it.

I feel like my poetry isn't mature enough compared to other people's poetry which I read in magazines. Other people have poems about mundane aspects of adult life, I can't write about that because I lack experience of it.

Yeah, it's probably just loneliness because the long weekend's coming at the same time as my parents are away and usually I'd be texting dad but I got disowned last week so I don't have him as a standby. I need to learn (probably this is ironically NT of me) to be ok with being on my own and in my own space.

I do feel a bit like when I say something, the post suddenly doesn't get responses for a long time but maybe that's just because my username is more memorable to me than other people's? This could just be a place with a slow feedback?

It's probably more to do with my social anxiety than other people.

What I mean by 'too autistic' is that I've already explained I can't work and I'm on a benefit which says I'm not allowed to job seek. But people still act surprised that I can't work. I find it quite stressful talking about my breakdown and the way I was basically rejected by society for being autistic/dyspraxic/no good at STEM (at least that's how it feels to me).

People also act surprised that I'm defending guys who can't do personal grooming well - I'm a woman who can't do personal grooming well. I don't feel as if it ought to matter, it's superficial, so long as someone doesn't stink and isn't putting their health in danger, it doesn't really matter if a man has a thick beard or a woman doesn't wear makeup.

My State Proficiency Interviews are THIS THURSDAY.
Im gonna die. I barely have my intro memorized and Im probably gonna suck at my interview anyway. Im gonna fail. Its gonna be terrible. And the worst part is the winner is announced on stage and they dont tell anyone else their placing. So I wont even know how much I lost by!

I don't dislike anyone so far. And I'll be forgiving if someone acts (or writes) aggressively, especially if they seem all too certain.



I don't dislike you either nor I got a reason to. I may even inclined to like you on some occasion.
The lack of replies? It could be anything other than the last poster username because;


Most people here feels out of place, for their own personal reasons.

Even the 'popular' top writer ones. You know, those usernames I wanna see what he or she have to say -- and yet, even they get the last replies and have the thoughts of being a thread killer themselves.
Plenty of them will think -- 'I'm too harsh', 'I'm too soft', 'I'm too young and I only have the attention because of my writing', 'I'm too old and sometimes if growing up the different era counts', 'I'm too functioning', 'I'm too dysfunctioning', 'I'm too fortunate in real life to be here', 'I'm actuall a hopeless case', etc.




I got mine here -- THIS IS LONG.

I can admit things if I get a burn out, if I get worse or even as far as to regress, if I get this nuisances about humans, the oddity of how me as a human works, I can admit any failures, any differences really and the feeling of being out of place. I can admit any cluelessness and recklessness that comes along with it.
And so forth, and so forth... Both the good, the bad, and the crappy.

There's a lot of things of being autistic that I can truly relate that no allistics could ever would.
But an allistic, anxious or suffering anxiety, would relate better to most autistics, than an autistic that doesn't deal with anxiety.

But it cannot helped it though, that's how human works and I already accepted that fact.
So I got nothing to worry about being here.

But if you got no anxiety into the mix to admit? That's different to admit anything to the above from those that had to do with it. I can wonder if my input counts despite for not having it, but I can choose not to fret about it and do it anyway.

Instead of the thoughts of worry and tension, there's confusion and annoyance in it's place. All the same can lead to frustrations.
Instead of the driving defensiveness and to sought certainty, you'll get this all too wide option between choices of caution, recklessness, and apathy -- that yeah, I'm capable of the former except I can choose to give up on it if I'm not driven to do the 'best' or 'safest' choice.
Some may assume it's 'avoidance' for the latter -- well, I'm capable of avoidance, as much as I'm capable of laziness to not pursuit the whole thing. It's really entirely depends of my own level of maturity and functioning than some driving force or motive to exert willpower to stamp out the whole thing from my mind.
It doesn't help that I'm not alexithymic enough, nor am externally oriented, nor as 'concrete'. Whatever the name of the traits that makes an autistic logical or NOT illogical.

Of course I'm capable of anxiety or worry.
But that worry isn't 'automatic' nor the first thing that would drive me into concern. Let alone things relating to autistics would deal with.

Sensory issues?
Not even electrical shocks stopped me from using broken or electrical appliances that seem to be that could explode anytime, all over again despite recalling every shocks that happened. Got hit and run on the road? It just took me a month to overcome that 'automatic caution' that my body is telling me to.
Not even the dangerously exhausting low levels of thresholds, where all I feel is discomfort, pain and exhaustion, and to put my tolerance and willpower to a test. While it's wise to avoid this, I won't be as worried when it happens unless there are really consequences to pay. I could cry in frustration, I could stop functioning and fail all over for it, but I won't panic.

Social issues?
I've dealt bullying, rejection, embarrassment, betrayals, doubt, isolation, even loneliness, and all sorts of failures. I've been through the bitterness, I can surpass distrust, I already overcame the wary towards human thoughts. I'm still as clueless, still as 'unaware', still as uncertain.
Yet I already conquered anxiety towards social interaction or humans in general. So why am I not even as worried whether or not I start to actually care?
Cause apathy and faith -- they're my choice. To play ignorance and hate is entirely dependent of my own maturity and my own regulation towards my own emotions when it comes to it.

Others might as well not believe that's all there is to it, assuming that I'm just as anxious and that I'm in denial, and thinks I'm doing this to standout or brag that I don't suffer or carry the same type of weight.

I don't brag the lack of anxiety, but it's just as disappointing to not able to relate well.


But in reality, the anxiety of most autistics, and my reactions of lack of anxiety stems from the same source of dsyregulation and uncertainty that all autistics seem to struggle -- alexithymic, empathic, emotionally delayed, comorbids or otherwise.
Didn't matter how more or less they struggle, didn't matter how more or less successful the are in life, didn't mattered what kind of aptitude profiles the have, didn't mattered what their attitudes or circumstances they have.
I just feel it... It's like touching something unseen and unidentifiable. This part of autism that influences every types of adjectives or nouns I could think of -- the common consequence for having it just happened to be chaos if one cannot handle it, and that chaos leads to anxiety.
The consequences that claimed to be the autistic's instincts of 'fear'. The very one that makes the angry aspie, the stoic aspie underneath alexithymia, etc.

Dunno if anyone else had found this out, or ever had the same thought when excluding anxiety from the autistic struggles and success -- when most would very likely conclude that not suffering anxiety means not being autistic.

Anyway, as to why I felt out of place isn't really a rant. This is really in my mind sometimes and I don't always have the time nor do felt I write the words the right way.

More like a fact and observation than some wary whispers from negative social experiences. The tones and words of it? The tone is entitely up to me. The conclusions are up to anyone else -- but so is asking questions if one would bother.
It's different from being out of place for being different amongst the conforming crowds, definitely different from the feeling of being singled out and the thought of being persecuted for being different or for 'not trying'.

But the feeling that it might be something missing in order to relate to someone? Ah, yes. But would I miss having anxiety? Would I miss being driven to choose 'certainty', 'order', and 'safety'? Despite losing the driving component as to relate and cater those who deals the same?
Well, considering that I dislike having needs, the answer would be obvious. I'd prefer the open option of caution, recklessness, and apathy -- than mainly inclining into the former, and fighting said drive for that inclination.
I would rather care and relate in my own terms, than to be driven by anxiety to actually care and relate.
It's also my choice whether or not I'd bother to fix a mess or not regardless the circumstance, as much as I do not have control anyone else's thoughts and feelings.



TLDR;
Wanna be really out of place amongst most autistics? Functioning or otherwise? Regardless of your preferences and opinions?
By NOT having this thought into the mix:

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Yeah - I think in retrospect it definitely was.

Hm I'm not sure. I've had Asperger's all my life, social anxiety for about 6 years. Before that, I was embarrassingly not self aware. Like a little kid who doesn't care what's 'cool' yet.

Apparently mum did leave her phone on.

Dad programmed it into me (and social media before him did) that there'll always be someone on the other end.

Not healthy - better to learn how to be alone sometimes.

But I was basically alone all day Except my responses on here. Couldn't even go to the café for lunch.

I need to be better at handling loneliness.

Waiting for an email from my professor about an assignment that is due later this week.