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Why am I in a mood to post LONG posts?! Why now??

Hmm in a way things were going ok because I was masking the problems. Being aspie it was really hard to lie.

Basically all my life he’s been picking arguments with people (mostly strangers, mostly shouting at people), making it so I’m scared to answer back to him, being physically inappropriate, following me too closely as an adult (like I wasn’t allowed to just be in the same shop as him – he had to stand by me like I was a child). He doesn’t understand boundaries (he would be offended if I told him I didn’t want to sit on his knee because it’s inappropriate at my age) and I was the only person he never argued with – because I was scared of him. Seriously – he walks past someone and picks a fight and I have to deal with the fall out. I’m not able for it.

So for a few years, I decided to just keep it as a text relationship. We text each other every day and quite a lot.

Which was ok til I moved to come back home to my home county. Then for about 6 months, I was lying by omission. Places became known as generic titles. But he asked me an outright question where the answer was obviously no. So I had to tell him I’ve moved back and wanted to keep things as text based for my own sake and because of how he is. He refused to accept that. He said meet up or nothing, so we’ve decided on nothing. Maybe not disowned but, mutually agreed upon separation of a familial relationship.

Turns out mum’s been lying to me for my own sake and the sake of my relationship with my dad. I asked her if he was ever violent – there have been times when I’ve seen him get close. Apparently it got close to it with me when I was a toddler, so she had to run away from him and take me. I was crying and my dad went to hit me so she snatched me off him and ran out of the house. But she felt so guilty that she let me have a familial relationship with him all these years.

I really don’t want to go back to having a relationship with him. I’m glad we met the decision we did.

But I struggle with silence. Just what I used to be used to before I was on social media – that sort of generic silence you can get for a few hours in between talking to people. I don’t think it’s healthy to find it hard to go for a few hours without talking to anyone, but that’s how I am. It was the first day I spent without my mum and stepdad around me since me and dad had that conversation. And I didn’t have my card or any cash so it wasn’t like I could just go to a café.

I think the radio must be overestimating that surely! I’m sorry you have to deal with loneliness. I think it’s sadly quite common on the spectrum although quite a few people are ok with being alone – which is different, it’s the loneliness which is the real burden.

Hmm maybe the radio could help me, though. If I had radio on in the background I’d be less lonely. Trouble is, I need an output and I was doing admin work all morning rather than anything more creative/expressive.

I’m in the UK, there are quite a few of us on here but not as many as American. I think it’s perhaps the second most? But I feel like I fall out of the UK banter a bit. I don’t feel like I fit one set ‘group’ on here actually.

Some people on WP act surprised that I don’t work and that I blame autism/society’s attitude to autism. But I have an MA in librarianship which overlaps with an MA in information studies (we were taught how to do similar work for businesses) and an English degree and substantial amount of voluntary work behind me. I was looking for not just library/information work but anything where they wanted someone with an English degree or even just shop work. Nobody wanted me – even the interview type people. It made me ill so the government assessed me and declared me unfit to work, as in permanently. I’m clever but I can’t work. A lot of aspies are in that boat, or are under employed.

STEM people are clever people who can do science/technology/engineering/maths jobs. They tend to be either on the spectrum or a bit ‘autistic’ seeming, therefore autistic people who are good at that sort of thing can pass better or get on better in life getting a job in that sort of field. That’s not where my skillset is. I'm really bad at that kind of thing.

People feel the need to tell me that poetry will almost always be unpaid – I already know that. But it makes me feel good to be productive and put something into the world, and besides I feel the ‘need’ to write.

Only real interaction I got this morning was someone I knew rejecting my poetry with a form email as if he didn’t know me.

Thanks. I think it will do with being around my parents but I need to learn to be ok with silence, as it is quite common to have a few hours silence and I was feeling quite needy this morning.

i don't often respond to you because i often don't understand enough to offer a valuable reply. i like you.

The National FFA Organization requires its students to log Supervised Agricultural Experience (or SAE) hours. So, anything you do that deals with agriculture in any way gets logged. Over the years, you can earn higher degrees with more hours. And proficiencys are when people compete their SAE against other kids in the same category as them. I have several SAEs, but I am competing in Equine Science Placement (which is opposite Entrepreneurship) which is me riding, training, schooling, competing other peoples horses as well as farm sitting, teaching lessons, working camps, barn chores etc. Last year I competed my Entrepreneurship SAE but I lost.
My current proficiency won at Area and I compete at State this weekend. My application is really good, which is why it won Area. But Im worried because at State you have to be interviewed by a panel of judges on your knowledge. I SUCK at interviews. Like, legit am terrible. I can talk sure. Im great at that. But its the body language I have a hard time with. Im really fidgety I guess is the best way to put it. But because Im at college rn, I havent had time to practice with anyone. So I'll just have to cross my fingers and hope for the best.
And yeah, what happens is you interview Thursday, and then they will announce the top four on Friday. On Saturday those four will go on stage together, but they will only announce the winner. So the other three dont know their placing, just that they lost. The winner gets money, a plaque and certificate, (something else I cant remember. scholarship maybe?) and a chance to send their application to the Nationals panel. Only FOUR people will make it to Nationals to compete. (out of all the kids from all 50 states plus territories)

Thanks I recognise you, I like you too

I want a green tea ice cream

Printing shops Mac U employment website.

Mohawk employment website.

Despues/later.

It hurt when Caesar died today. I'm probably the only one who calls him that instead of Cesar but we're not American so I don't really get it? Apparently his nickname comes from something other than that great picture of him but I always remember him based on the picture so to me, him and Julius are linked - conquered Europe.

People always say ‘first British’ for Lisbon Lions. Kind of legitimises the British state. Also undermines what they did. First Northern European club.

This week is all about the one King Billy

The old guys at the pub will be full of stories and I’m just going to keep quiet and let the old guys talk

In what must have been 80 years or so? We went from being starving to dominating European football. He just came from regular stock. Don’t get players like that these days, even KT isn’t like that

I want to watch videos with him in tonight

Tomorrow is no soaps day so I’ll dedicate the day to King Billy

Mum is selfish for wanting me to go out all afternoon when I had stuff to get on with

People in real life are better than online people and I need to quit seeking company online

I’ve always been really proud of my birthday being 25th May, it’s not like I can help it but it’s a really good date to have it on

I really need to sort my eyes out so I can go to Lisbon on my birthday next year

My dad’s mum died of dementia too

KT (is absolutely gorgeous of course but) there’s a sort of maturity in him which means he’s a great stand in captain and one day he better be the actual captain

I think lads have started to use mental to mean sad not just mad

This level of respect for elders is probably seen as too old fashioned by strangers. I don’t care. I’m proud I do

When my generation of heroes (Larsson, Sutton, Lennon etc) die, I’m going to do absolutely everything to get to the stadium and leave a tribute. It would feel a wee bit fake doing it when I can’t actually remember these guys live

Humble people are usually the greatest people and vice versa

Before dad told me about his mum I never realised you can die of dementia

My crush, and I really wish he wasn't.

Goodness forbid my exam invigilation contract isn’t re-newed and I have even more reason to rant here.

It’s actually something which I doubt will happen.

Good luck, Grace!

What the 'ingenue' is to the 'Valley girl'.

'Customer service facade' is the contemporary and 'more public' version of the 'Stepford smiler' imo.

Surreal

Facade

Idiots act too judgmental

Like it, "cool"

Don't like, "sucks" or "why". As if a good answer satisfies. But there is no good answer. According to them

"Are you ok?" . Penises do not have the skill or authority to do anything about it, so why ask

Dog on leash




The dojo could have an unlimited number of nasty surprise



Ozben felek b***h brought a dog

And I was screaming


"Sorry about that"

"Sorry" means sympathy or apology

Means nothing


The b***h was trying to say "sorry you are afraid of dogs"

Then she said she should have asked

Better but insufficient


In a photo of the stupiass dojo

f**k Kayla feder b***h


Just last week, group picture
Ozben and dog


f**k you.ozben


dog owner shock collar





Put the owner on a leash!


Ozben acted like she had never done anything wrong before in her life


She acted like she did me a favor by putting it in the car


It's legal to break the windshield and rescue a dog in a hot car


Someone could have broken the windshield


The dog could have gotten heatstroke



The b***h could have sued me






Dogs should be called "it", not "he" and "she"



And no names or clothes


Leash Law, ozben felek b***h


August last year


Still not forgiven



That's like saying, I am good at skateboarding. Tony hawk is good at skateboarding . You can't put them in the same category


Maybe if I had a job, hobbies or goal, not as obsessed with penises

Note: I definitely don't follow the NFL but even I can appreciate the effort someone took in comparing a Super bowl to 'Avengers 3'.

Considering writing an Op-Ed pertaining to the many difficulties autistic people face when it comes to not only securing employment, but other unpleasant scenarios within the workplace which make it difficult to maintain employment as well..

I'm going to cut down on my internet interactions with people. Use Reddit as somewhere to like and dislike posts, occasionally putting an opinion I don't see expressed which I don't think will be too uncontroversial or if I get there first. Use WP for autistic talk.

I do fit in. I've been feeling because of the internet that I don't but really? I fit in with everyone around me. That's what matters more.