What's on your mind right now?

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Pentasyllabic is my new favorite word, it's an autological word, and I learned what that was this morning!

Hmm...

Either figure this one out and get a much healthier alternative.
Or master the whole thing while still at the current stage of an already delayed development.



Another thing I just had observed, a day ago.

Went to an errand, to a pawnshop. When I got there, I was waiting by the counter.
Then I felt this eager like warmth. I pondered, what is going on now. Turned around and saw a guy with a rather eager expression on his face I thought.
I 'thought'?? 'Eager'?? This wasn't my usual conclusion -- I'd supposed not to feel something like this nor conclude. If anything, this might've been some exaggeration.

Ahh, of course. How could I forgotten? I was so accustomed not to sense and think of these things, I'd end up still concluding this as nonsensical.

Then the feeling went like half-neutral like even as I look at the smiling man. I turned back and saw a tall young bored man, probably went to the pawnshop because he was told to.
Another exaggerated conclusion came to mind. Where the heck does this conclusions came from?? The usual set up of my mind is supposed to be on the outcome.


So... Yeah. Within a month's timespan, my EQ range probably went from low average to closer to low average to average if I had to measure and compare. Even more so in terms of awareness and consciousness, even if it's more subtle, and so far this includes emotional regulation.

Speaking of emotional regulation.
For now I'm aware of, that suppression is a rather unhealthy defence mechanism. Not primitive, but immature and not entirely appropriate in most situations still. A very immature part of me still acts and thinks too sensitively.

A rational and a rather harsh part of my mind says to drag this spoiled brat of a self by the leash.
Another is more gentle and be more patient with myself. After all, there's this social-emotional delay part that I've been long aware of.

But what do I actually want with this? This may take time.


Hmmm.....

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Do not understand why lil dipshits have to talk so much, so loud and enthusiastically

Not everyone has to be done with the highest amount of technology

You don't always have enough information to know "why".

Big egoed ass holes don't think about your perspective but they still claim credit ("help", "care", "friend")

Jamie Adair b***h had the nerve to tell me that "you are important". not "important", enough for her to say "excuse me" instead of "what" and " huh"

"Can you" impies that if you "can", you have to


Asking questions, express interest. Could be a good thing but sometimes it takes too much energy to answer or don't want to answer


Ballet conservatory

Dance belt


Exhausted all the options a longfuck time ago


Impatient idiots act entitled


An apology is just words but better than nothing


The older I get the fewer things are worth the energy it takes to approach or avoid


Pas de deux


En pointe


Ballet


Sidekick


Whooptie do


Move towards something or away from something


Farce


Meaningless


Not receptive


Passion


Not everything has to be "interesting" "exciting", "fun", or "awesome"


Adrenal fatigue


Obsessive compulsive disorder

Do nothing all day long

Autism


Not that many things are funny. They are not that funny. Nor should they be


Facade,

Robin Williams suicide


Basic training


Boot camp



Try something new


Entitled lil dipshits

I wish I could find a good study nook. Home is too chaotic, school is too crowded, and so I'm Goldilocks looking for the perfect library.

I wonder if I'll spend my life being immature and if so if that's ok.

I'd rather it than being miserable.

There are people in Scotland who would rather hate anything which is produced by the other half of the old firm then get enjoyable things from people.

I'm like that.

I suffer from that too, my art is hated by Rangers fans no matter what I draw.

It really isn't an indication of quality but it spurs me on to keep going.

^ Walk On



bitter sweet game , especially when a fellow Welshman pus your team out

Assumption

Implications

Attitude

Ass holes

Bonding, social, emotional, covalent, ionic

Jaw feels stiff and sore. Scratch ear with Bobby pins

Itchy as f**k last night

Scabies, psoriasis, eczema

Just started itching last year

Once in a while


Brandon gave me a ointment and told me to put it on

And it made me more itchy

Idiots in the dojo act like they expect me to treat them like they dragged my worthless corpse out of a burning building


They are judgmental and manipulative and entitled and arrogant

"Are you ok?", . Penises don't have the skills or power to "help" me other

Penis kicked me out the bathroom

Ass hole impatient

Waking up at 5 is usually early enough to avoid the penis but not always

Telemere length

"Why"

"What", "huh"

"Cool", "sucks"

Laughing

No potential
. going nowhere

Enzymes.

Just wasted a toilet roll by pounding the life out of a spider.

A part of me is a very deprived sinner, hiding in the shadows.


It's a part of me who wants to be a perpetrator if it weren't for the imbalanced cards on hands that fate handled.

A part of me who hates empathy and sympathy. A part of me who would rather spread hate and anger. A part of me who is driven by greed, envy, and vanity. A part of me who wanted to be inhuman... The very part of me who holds intentional malice.

That part of me is a narcissistic sociopathic sadist, who just cannot act on it's desires because of being incapable of successfully doing so.


The question is... Where did I 'got' this 'idea' exactly?

It was my idea of a 'strong person'. It's a part of me who wanted to be invulnerable, untouchable and cannot do anything wrong. The idea of a winner, the idea of a powerful person, the idea of a person with nothing holding back against, the idea of a person who can succeed and is not fazed by failures...
Other parts of me said otherwise, then some parts of me are in a dilemma. So there's this weird limbo in-between the spaces in my mind.

A very strong pull on opposing sides and in between. The contradictory desires between dimensions.
It must've been where all these inconsistencies came from.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Troy's restaurant

Some penis came on the bus and punched me. But it was so fast and light, not confident he punched me

Didn't want to have to deal with 911 so ignored it

"Life" today was otherwise uneventful

That is a good thing

Penis kicked me out of the bathroom

It said that it can't wait for the bathroom. Don't believe

Exaggerated

Hyperbole

Figurative language

f**k mister redelings

Itchy legs last night

The window cleaner job offered a phone interview



Washing windows


f**k UCSD

If I were an extrovert, I would be ghetto ass riffraff






Jaw stiff and sore, ear Bobby pin


Nothing to do all day long s**t


Can't find a stupid ass hiring event this week


Just party City

I really wish there was some way to make myself capable of feeling romantic love, that would make things in my life so much simpler right now.

I'm sort of obsessing how much NTs and some autistic people want everyone and everything to be "normal", and that's not good.

They're afraid of certain things getting "normalized" like being autistic. How dare something become "normal", as in acceptable in society.

We're all already pretty much not "normal" because most of us have one hand that's better at doing things than the other. And one eye that can see better and one ear that can see better and one side of our brains that thinks better...