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Moving forward, not backward

Expand comfort zone

Try new things

Friend

Hobby

Job

Meditation

Neuroplasticity

Pseudobulbar affect

Flat affect

I somehow made it to the end of the week at my New job. But still nobody believes i'm a lawyer and they don't treat me like i am either. They mostly speak like they're speaking to a child. Though this could be because i look a lot younger than i am.

Ok, ok.. A part of me probably broke it's own mind because of, well, revelations.

The experience I got last month? Let's see...

It gave me;
-Experiences of unconditional love, it opened my heart for real. So yeah, that's when I understood that hate and anger are poison. Even to a point of completely accepting and forgiving the most despicable people or creature that I can imagine. Compassion and love as it's highest.
-Several EQ points. That social and emotional terms are no longer from some compromising point of view.
-Access to several layers of awareness. Just stuff, stuff outside the usual cognition. I can now see and discern stuff without actually judging them, and see myself in a more objective way.
-Perspective and personal context changes. An example of this is me reading the first parts of the Bible; at first it's just words, then some story with some moral in it, then some altered history that may or may not be true... Then now, it's a rather sad story, then a story about how this world and how humanity came to be, just contexts outside the usual intellectual tangents.
-Understanding life and existential paradoxes. It's a really weird concept where there are no boundaries. Things beyond life and death and in between, things beyond good and evil/light and dark and both/either/neither exists or one or none of it exists, where there's the concept of up and down is actually the same, that one can and cannot exists, that something be true and false. Where everything is true and false...
-A serious outlook of death. That life IS precious, and that death isn't to be feared. That there IS nothing beyond life, and there IS an afterlife, that both of these statements are actually true AND false.
-The concept of possibility of everything had been more real and expanded. Yes, even the most absurd and completely illogical kinds of possible. Yes, God exists AND God does not exist - both statements are true, but both statements are also false. It's more complicated than that! More complicated than some mere belief, more complicated than any concept really. So yeah, the sayings that idols shouldn't be used and that idols should be used - they're both true and they're both false.
-Apparent healing and empathic abilities. Which is weird, really. And no, it's nothing special -- even if parts if me says otherwise -- everyone can actually do this to an extent.
-The discernment between the authentic ego whose job got out of hand apparently, then the self beyond this human shell along with all it accumulated. Everyone's ego wanted to be authentic, but society rules don't allow that much so they got this illusion of a choice. The self beyond the ego isn't worried about that and is beyond that. I'm not talking about being outside the social norm by wearing a weirdo's mask, and definitely not the antisocial take on social norms.

And now, my ego sees things and claims them. A part of me is like watching a really loud child really.
And this child of an ego judges itself -- and now thinks my own life story is very pathetic, and wants a real change.
Some rationally accepts parts of this, denies and takes some, some would cooperate and some remains this demanding child who doesn't want a change.
And a part of me made this enumeration that transpired since. Was it because this is commonly how and what autistics do?

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

More f*****g studying.
Cell respiration: 1. glycolysis, 2. The citric acid cycle, and 3. oxidative phosphorylation.

Bleh.

After hours of searching online for bedding (again), the one I like best is called ... "Ferrat".

I just can't get rid of the picture of me living cheerfully in a tidy, clean apartment, even though if that ever happens, which it very well may not, it won't be for a long time. I just want more space than just my bedroom to call my own and keep tidy and enjoy.

I find that I can never have breakfast in bed, as one single crumb that falls on my bed will end up on my bedsheet that I lie on... And it keeps me awake! I have crumbs or little tiny bits of anything as they stick on my skin and cause me much discomfort. Harder little bits can even be painful! Maybe I am a prince really! Haha. But could I feel a pea under 10 matresses? Umm. No!

A need to finish homework for my Spanish class despite confusion over the first subject of focus; the focus being the difference between direct and indirect object pronouns.

The first quiz will be this Wednesday.

Every day just waiting for the other shoe to drop s**t



Worried about $$$

Dr etchiverri told me that she is going to talk to the psychiatrist about assessing me (intellectually challenged, learning difference, brain damage).

If insurance won't pay for it, that's the end of the rope


Not itchy in aikido today

Kind of hot

Tried and failed to sleep at 9

Lied in bed on phone s**t

4:45 am woke up

Early as f**k

Not sick, no period

Aikido

Afterward, asked my only friend, what she was doing

Her sister came to hang out with her


She can hang out with her sister any time

Third wheel

Silver fox

Feel heavy, old, senile

People think that the reason I stay up so late at night is because I'm watching YouTube or playing The Sims.

But the real reason I stay up so late is because I don't want it to be the next day.

I am very fortunate to have parents who are capable and willing to have me living with them for as long as I need to. I need to start being happy with what I have instead of focusing on what I don't.

Sometimes a part of me gets lost
And I am all distraught
And can’t think why
My smallest undertaking goes amiss
And my day is spent feverishly
Doing things I had forgotten,
Redoing things I had done wrong,
While other things accumulate.
But if some errand should take me through the woods
All at once I know there is no hurry.
I sense the obscure, unhurried rhythm
Of growing things,
And I am whole again,
And go with quiet sureness to my work.

Faith Johnson

Far pavilions.