What's on your mind right now?

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dragonsanddemons
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11 Nov 2019, 8:14 pm

cathylynn wrote:

D&D, Being dependent is hard, even if we get along with our carers. Have you tried calling the program to see where in the process your application is?

I filled out a questionnaire at the informational meeting I went to last month, and the next step is supposed to be that they send me an application. I'm still waiting for the application. I suppose I could have my mom call and see if they're still deciding about that or if they've decided not to send me an application for some reason.

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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"

cathylynn
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11 Nov 2019, 8:27 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

cathylynn wrote:

D&D, Being dependent is hard, even if we get along with our carers. Have you tried calling the program to see where in the process your application is?

that would help in case they lost your questionnaire.

traven
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12 Nov 2019, 1:53 am

what did i do wrong again,
can't please americans i guess
f**k

auntblabby
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12 Nov 2019, 4:43 am

^^^yeh, tell me about it, join the club of not pleasin' yanks.

Edna3362
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12 Nov 2019, 10:01 am

To be free from thyself...
And I don't mean suicide.

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dragonsanddemons
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12 Nov 2019, 7:11 pm

At the very least, I need a lot of self-improvement before even considering friendships. I don't deserve friends, and others don't deserve me as a "friend." I always mess it up somehow - the trend suggests that it really is me to blame. I have major trouble initiating contact of any kind, giving the impression that I don't care. I often can't think of the right thing to say and end up not saying anything at all because I just don't know what to say, giving the impression that I'm ignoring someone or don't care. I say the wrong thing and it gets interpreted completely wrongly, leading to hurt on both sides. I try my best to improve only to be defeated by social anxiety, making me a liar and giving the impression that I don't care. Maybe I really don't care enough about anyone other than myself - maybe I'm a lot more self-absorbed than I think I am. And even if I'm not, does it really matter if I can't show that I do care?

auntblabby
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12 Nov 2019, 7:23 pm

^^^welcome to the uncanny valley, your company is welcome here. :alien:

shortfatbalduglyman
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12 Nov 2019, 9:24 pm

Email said that the county government had a test for Treasurer, on the same day as the neuropsychological evaluation

Government job, accounting

Might never come across a better job s**t

But Dr Butler said it takes a long time to schedule a neuropsychological evaluation

Can't reschedule job test. They give you one option

Ass holes

Panic attack

Trembling

Nerves

Never going to accomplish jack s**t

Provolone cheese

Lunch

Indulge

Most precious lil "people" act way too enthusiastic about every slightest thing it's like their mouths don't have an off switch

:roll:

Jakki
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12 Nov 2019, 9:58 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

Tired - stayed up too late last night and am adjusting to new sleep meds.

Wondering at what point I should give up on hearing anything back from this program I'm trying to apply to - it's been a month now. If they don't accept me, what then? Just living with my parents forever? I don't really want that, but I don't know what other choice I have.

I hate that I'm so fragile. I really would like to have a job I could support myself on, but when I had even just a part-time job, the stress and stuff led to depression, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts that put me in the hospital four times in one year. That's not normal. It makes me feel weak and pathetic that I can't even handle a part-time job without such consequences.

I hate my dependency in general. I'm so tired of feeling like a burden on others, I really wish I was able to take care of myself and live on my own so I wouldn't be a burden on anyone but myself. I hate that I'm stuck at this point where I'm not disabled enough to qualify for most forms of assistance but am too disabled to make do without it (hence my dependence on my parents) - I wish I were just a bit further one way or the other so I could either get what I need or make do without it.

You know what? I'm going to go ahead and say it. I hate my autism and everything that comes with it. It doesn't provide me any benefits that I can see, it just puts up so many barriers for me. If I were NT, I could probably have a job I could support myself on, and I would definitely be able to take care of myself. I would actually eat when I need to, and wouldn't have trouble identifying when I need to go to the bathroom until it's such an emergency that I sometimes don't make it in time. I would be able to talk to people even if they didn't talk to me first, and I would never have to worry about whether or not I'd be able to speak at all. I would be able to do things like eat in a restaurant or go grocery shopping without worrying about the likelihood of shutting down even when I have my service dog with me (he helps with that, but it still sometimes happens). I wouldn't have had ECT that destroyed my memory, which now makes it even harder for me to learn the things I need to know how to do in order to live on my own. I could manage having real friendships. I'd be able to go to concerts and enjoy them. Essentially, I'd be able to live something resembling a normal life. But no, all that's taken from me because of this curse called autism. I want it gone.

Please know that at least one other person wishes it was very different for you .
Had to relearn some very basic things for a very long time. Even after all that,
Am now subject to ongoing people seeing me as a target ,cause they saw, was doing better . And easy to take advantage of. Even inspite of physical problems

That are obvious . . The men that live around my home . Seem to find it entertaining . To watch me try to live undependantly . Which without interference can , do ,, alittle clumsy .make Something pretty or fix in the yard. But when you have someone whom things it is fun to watch you fix something , in the yard , repaired.over and over. Wait till you have to go anywhere and
That they damage just to watch you , stumble and clumsily fix something over and over . Your veiw of people change . And things you wish for might not be as nice as you might want . Be careful for ,what you hope for . But dreams are important , more important than most other things , i have found.
Have had to try very hard to live with my issues , some much like yours.
Been on bothsides of life .. had a time when was more active. And problems did not seem to be very important
Good luck to you .

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Shrapnel
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12 Nov 2019, 10:11 pm

Seeking attention and anonymity seems to be the fad this year. Perhaps next year people will consider modesty and accountability.

Kitty4670
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12 Nov 2019, 10:32 pm

I wish it was morning in Asia

Edna3362
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13 Nov 2019, 12:00 am

Maybe the reason why I suck at handling organizers and planners because I might've need an organizer... That organizes organizers. :lol:

From that messy crap that I don't know if it's relevant or not because my memory sucks. Then there are little to no time to pause and think.
Filtered to the relevant details, separating details that may derail, separating details that I may or may not obsess about, separating details that are at best a hallucination, separating details that are only relevant to one yet not to another.

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Jakki
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13 Nov 2019, 12:09 am

Edna3362 wrote:

Maybe the reason why I suck at handling organizers and planners because I might've need an organizer... That organizes organizers. :lol:

From that messy crap that I don't know if it's relevant or not because my memory sucks. Then there are little to no time to pause and think.
Filtered to the relevant details, separating details that may derail, separating details that I may or may not obsess about, separating details that are at best a hallucination, separating details that are only relevant to one yet not to another.

Hmm... this is kinda weird , but i think , i understand this.

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blue_bean
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13 Nov 2019, 8:23 am

For the last few nights I have lulled myself to sleep to the sounds of structure fires and trapped residents being radioed in to firecomm. I'm anxious to hear about wowserboy's house (and his welfare too). He's chosen to stay and defend. I'm not confident to be honest

Shrapnel
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13 Nov 2019, 9:16 am

The four horsemen of the apocalypse. Google, Amazon, Apple and Facebook.

shortfatbalduglyman
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13 Nov 2019, 9:16 am

Unwanted text message

Every Saturday unwanted visitor

Penis keeps kicking me out of the bathroom

Helpless a s**t

Nerves

Side effects, haven't taken Prozac yet

Unmet expectations

You can't measure respect, so anyone can correctly claim anything is disrespectful

Manipulative

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