What's on your mind right now?

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you can't compromise with crazy.

Just remaining calm when dealing with stupidtrons

My anxiety is in overdrive. The physician I used to assist has called me twice today (I didn’t return his call yet) because one of the people that does the clinical trials is going back on medical leave and they don’t have anyone to fill in for her, and wondered if I wanted to part time. I’m getting having major anxiety and panicky feelings thinking about it, because I do need some sort of income but the thought of going back to that environment is making me feel sick.

A need to visit my school's gym in order to sidestep anxiety because a class exam is today.

To look further away a bit...

It's almost another turn of another year.
What the heck am I still waiting for??

I'm going to start throwing stuff away before I turn 25, consequences be damned. I've been too quiet and too distracted for too long.

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What the flying f**k is the point of "living" s**t

At this point I would be extremely surprised if anyone made the mistake of hiring my worthless corpse for any job

It is way too late to sit around fantasizing about what you want to be when you grow up s**t

End of youthful delusion

All the jobs I qualify for are not suited for autistics. Angry customers, loud noise, standing up , hot kitchen, driving, long bus ride.

Homophobic lil dipshits will never apologize the f**k up

Health rapidly declining

Itchy like scabies

Autism symptoms getting worse

$$$


Only one friend and she keeps wasting less and less time with me just because her sister came


Feel left out but too tired to talk to anyone


Nothing to look forward to except neuropsychological evaluation


Jock itch

Yeast infection


Brain damage


Don't like anything or anyone

Lil ass holes hate me too

Not good at anything


Autism

Dogs

Lil dipshits innocent lil attitude like they have never done anything wrong before in their lives



Will never:

Friends
Romance
Skinny smart handsome cisgender neurotypical white man

$$
Get published
Get the apologies I deserve

Self actualize




Today after jogging lake Merritt and put on jeans, itchy like scabies the whole bus ride


After getting back to jail changed pants and itchy like scabies

Penises act like they expect me to believe whatever the f**k they tell me but they won't believe the slightest thing I say


"Huh" and "what"

... Am I just some weakling with no cross to bear as I may appear to be?
Or someone whose cross to bear happened to be bigger than most people?


The most prominent remarks about me is that one knew that I'm carrying something huge behind my back.
I'd say it's true.

Yet I have no clue how to get rid of it, and not want the world to know about it.
They say it's love and acceptance. It is not as easy as it sounds.

The moment it shows it triggers you, a part of you goes back in time, relieve it in the current time -- these things have no concept of time, only present.

They say these things came from you, and it's an unheard child of yours.
And a parent do not just say to their child that 'I wanna love you do I can get rid of you', yes? That's just not how it works.

You have to be true. I have to be true. Yet...
A huge part of me likes to lie, cheat and steal. Most especially to myself. That part of me did a really good job doing so.

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is reality real? how do we know for sure?

^^^you think, therefore you ARE.

The problem with the so-called 'dark side' is that they don't realize the choices nor are aware of things.

The problem with the so-called 'light side' is that they don't realize that not everyone in the 'dark sides' are willingly there and that is not because of circumstances or simply not knowing better.



Both do not understand; certain hearts had a mind of it's own, as much as the body and brain does.
Some people are just really cursed that no amount of help and willingness on their part to be put into light. No amount of will power do, save for ego death.

Some are just trapped enough.
If the person pursues 'good' even with better inner intentions, they may as well think they're a fraud or certain parts of them compromises mainly on guilt and fear as opposed to love and acceptance.

All reminders of both good and bad, success and failure, only results guilt and disbelief. People do not understand this.
And when people say stop being guilty; there will be a question of context. Leave the context unanswered or incompletely answered, may perpetuate guilt than discourage it.

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^^^QFT

Just still wondering what my future holds. Could be living entirely on my own with a job I can support myself on, could be staying at this point and being shoved into a group home when my parents are no longer able to care for me, or could be anything in between.

Still waiting to hear anything back from this program that will hopefully give me a boost toward independence. I've talked to my mom about calling to make sure they didn't lose my form or anything (I have phone phobia), don't know if she's going to do that soon or not. I really hope they accept me, it's the only thing I've been able to find that shows any promise for me at all.

I don't think, therefore I'm not.

i sometimes think, so i sometimes am.