What's on your mind right now?

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Lets conquor the day!

Trying too hard to get to the end of another irrelivant sentence and it hurts. Its not just babble but all the useless add ons clawing their way out send my blood pressure up. Is this why some aspies meditate? So much for being self contained, it all goes out of the window as soon as communication starts.

Eventually building my own computer system, so I'm not reliant upon under powered library workstations

Having a bit of an existential crisis lately, moreso knowing it's yet another year and decade drawing to a close.

It's evidently affected my well-being, having more depressive episodes lately than ever. Procrastination has amplified as well!

I've been questioning myself, and if where I am in life is right for me.

Fully aware of all my accomplishments that I don't want further praise for, I've been finding pride and self-worth harder to muster.

Perhaps because I have yet to bear fruit from the work I am putting into my writing?

It's something of a catch 22, as I am my own worst critic. I self-loathe, despite an often gregarious nature to my closest and dearest. I frequently put unnecessary pressure on myself, which seems to be exacerbated by my anxiety and depression, both life-long residents in my psyche. Perhaps conditioned from my previous experiences of inflicted pressure from others?

I think it's also to do with being the breadwinner to my fiancee and child. Sure, finance wise, we are going rock-steady, but I know we could be better off, if I simply kept going with the writing, as well juggle the daily tasks at hand. It's tough to keep my creativity alive, alongside becoming physically and mentally exhausted on a day to day basis.

Being unemployed has hardly helped, and the way we care for each other has meant the only way either of us could return to employment is through work that could substantially cover our bills and expenditures.

There are other personal factors that emotionally exhaust me, and the waves of anxiety and depression hit me in a similar vein to a cold or other kind of illness. My partner has tried to reassure me of my self-worth, although she appears baffled when I tell her all of this.

It is difficult. I know I put myself into this situation (and I've dug out of worse before), but there are times I just think "Why am I bothering to try this hard?", and just want to disappear into solitude.

Some days I wonder if I'm doing as good a job as people say I am after 7 months on the job.

Papercuts

At the cafe that I often go to the bathroom at, he told me customers only

Graceful degradation

Will never get close to self actualization

The penis has been ordering me around like a slave

Several times it guilt tripped me about how nobody poured it a glass of water

Ass hole

Even when I am in the bathroom, it still orders me around

It kicks me out of the bathroom when it has to go to the bathroom

Ass hole

STEM

Survival of the fittest versus discrimination

Friend took me grocery shopping, bookstore, ocean, CVS today

Left out and lonely and s**t

Bobby pin in ear, addicted

Vagus nerve

Going nowhere as usual s**t

I wish I can make hot chocolate.

Sister leaving in a few days to get married out of country (as her fiancee's parents cannot come here)..


I am not going to. Her wedding..
But sent her lots of gifts via my brother (he visited on saturday night)..
that she said she likes. Beauty stuff


Cannot even meet her before she leaves...


as my car broke down on friday n she has been v busy n working at hospital.. Lives an hour 's drive away

Trying not to be sick from heavey spraying of cockroach poison. In my motel room .if not so cold outside .many degrees below freezing ., would be outta here.

Is it normal (aspie normal) to be loyal to your own city and area but not your country?

I'd say it was a political thing but I'm proud of my home town too and that's very Tory.

I don't get how you can be proud of an entire nation, although I kind of do cos I'm loyal to my Irish roots but it all seems a bit irrational to be proud of a nation as it's too 'big'. I'm only really proud of the Irish in that anyone with Irish roots likely has someone who survived the famine in their bloodline.

I know what people are like here and they're good folk. My generation of locals are educated, arty liberals. People back home are fun and laid back and have a better sense of humour. How on earth am I meant to love a whole country?

Some of this is blowback from the election tbh.

One minute it is one thing and another minute it is another. Got a call from the State Attorney's office and it looked like things are going to be fixed with what is essentially a case where everyone agrees without a hearing. Which was a huge relief and I was feeling great. Then the next minute he calls and says that for x, y, z, reason he really feels there should be a hearing to get everything on the record. Which is fine. It means I lose at least a half day in court. And even though everyone is cool about it and it will probably get approved, having the hearing means just one more thing for my stomach to get upset about. It isn't even the end of the world if it isn't approved. But the uncertainty kills me. Even when it is "almost" certain everything will be fine.

ARRRRGGGG!