What's on your mind right now?

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Does it make a difference that I am here?

^Thinking the same thing. Oh well it's going to end sooner or later.

We need to keep going somehow.

I wonder if I'll find a reason to keep going once my parents are gone or if that will be it for me. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because of the pain it would cause them if I did. I honestly hope I die young, any time now is fine with me. I wish I'd get some sort of terminal illness so I'd have a little time to get everything in order and then die naturally, so no one can try to blame themselves or anyone else.

Many will miss you if you die. We will certainly miss you in here.

You are going through a tough time. Do not worry. Tough times are like seasons. They come and go.

Wait, what happened to getting your own place? I thought that was your driving motivation to keep going, did something happen? If you were to die I would miss you. Also iirc didn't you have siblings, what about them?

I'm just so darn tired of life, it feels like - like it would be a relief to finally have it end. I imagine once I get my own place, I'll have a period of joy about that, but can't imagine it will be long before I return to this state - same thing, different place. Maybe if I got a job I felt was meaningful... but the last time I tried working even a part-time job the stress and stuff wreaked havoc on my mental health and I ended up in the hospital four times in one year. So I don't know if I should try again or not.

You sound like a person who needs some sort of adventure like sailing around the oceans or travelling from country to country....

That all sounds very intimidating to me. I feel like I don't have the energy to do anything adventurous, I'm just so dang tired all the time.

It's been brought to my attention that I may have picked up a blood infection either when I was getting IVs on a regular basis for sedation for ECT, or when I was self-harming. I actually kind of hope that's the case because then it can be treated and my energy, vivacity, memory, and cognitive function can be restored. Otherwise, at least the last two are gone for good (probably as a result of the ECT).

I hope you can get all your energy back.

a friend who had memory problems after ECT did an excellent job helping at a drop-in center part-time.

YES.

I saw someone here who is very very very very handsome
except from the side he resembles a bad person I know (who is not handsome)...

like he could be a family member.

Same skin colour and nose shape (profile only).

The front view doesnt look like that person, but the side view gives reminders of the bad person I know.


So that is all it took to make it not a crush anymore.

can you possibly post a pic of a similar looking person?

No. That person is very distinctive looking and I cant think of anyone similar
(except the bad person...
.. except that bad man looks very different and looks bad in my opinion except in side profile they have a family resemblance )...


i cant share the pic of the bad person as I dont want him to somehow be able to trace it. I dont think he would but you never know.