What's on your mind right now?

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Not sure if it's the hormones being weird on me, being unconsciously detached or what.
I simply am not sure if I feel good or bad. From what I think was true, I have a lot of ugly stuff but it is still progress.

Why am I being so impatient or not really impatient again? Why am I not worried again? Why am I not seem to be pissed off by the ugly fact? Am I still distancing myself from triggering myself?




I can certainly determine and admit:
I want to be a hypocrite.

Not just any hypocrite, but a very privileged one.
I want to be above from certain things, I want to get away with certain things -- while others won't...


Which lies so much of my fantasies and in which lies certain layers of realities. Maybe the root of my frustrations.
It could be buried admiration and deep green envy... Of superiority inferiority complexes.
Baically just another certain desires contrary to certain realities, but I wanna dig deeper than that. I wanna go much deeper than this.

I want to see the root of all of this... I don't care how simple or complex it is in the end, I just want to know the truth hidden behind myself.

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Why is the Deep South called that?

"beggars can't be choosers"

"Much Ado about nothing"

Next week, job interview Monday at a restaurant. Far away from the train station s**t. Have to take the bus. Takes a long time. Receptionist. s**t I am tired all the time and rapidly getting worse.

Far be it from me to get a white collar job

STEM

Waste less $$ on groceries especially

But love exotic bean salad, tuna albacore sandwich, trader Joe's hummus wrap. Whole foods salad bar not anymore. But sushi pretty good s**t.

Going to food Maxx and grocery outlet make me feel like a failure and slave

Warehouse

Granted, the milk, produce is just as good as Whole foods, but it's like a warehouse in there

Like a battlefield or something

Poverty , suicide



Maybe my friend will drive me there. But if I nickel and dime her, she might not want to be my friend anymore. So what the flying f**k ever s**t

Wednesday next week, job interview. Receptionist at a gym. Near a train station.

Lost the will to live a long f**k time ago

Zest of "life"

BA cognitive science, AA accounting

Receptionist, overqualified s**t

Wednesday after that, senior center, near the train station, accounts receivable clerk.

Itching vagina and bowel movement

Suspicious, cynical , uptight

Diabetes, neuropathy, Paresthesia, s**t

Bowel movement didn't start being itchy until the end of last year

Hemorrhoid surgery

Colonoscopy

Tuesday went to job interview. Receptionist. Near my house. Heard nothing from him this far.

Group home

End of my rope

Outside comfort zone

Try new things, neuroplasticity

Goals, meaning, hobby, job , friend

s**t

Appetite gone haywire. Three cartons of exotic bean salad and one trader Joe's hummus wrap at 10 am. Cold f**k. Eating like prader willi.syndrome s**t

"Life" will only get worse.

"Survival of the fittest"

Going nowhere

Child as caregiver

"Be all you can be" in the army reserve

Self actualization

Not everyone likes their job

Not everyone is competent at their job

Not everyone likes their boss or co-worker







s**t I am just as useless as the ghetto ass thugs street trash idiot bozos sitting at the bus stop screaming all day long

Mental illness , drug, delusion, hallucination




Lil dipshits treated me offhandedly

Calloused

"Holier than thou"

Felt like all the strength drained from worthless corpse

Lately, but for a long time

36 middle aged, going nowhere in "life", want suicide s**t


Children as caregiver

Once again I am reminded of the disparity between how my mom treats my brother (24, 2 years younger than me) when he's sick and how she treats me when I'm sick. I get the impression that she thinks I'm at least exaggerating, if not outright faking, unless I do something like throw up five times in an hour (which if I remember correctly, did happen the last time I had a stomach bug). With my brother, if he has so much as a headache, it's "Oh, poor baby, let me take care of you." If it's me, expectations aren't lowered at all unless I'm deathly ill. I currently have bronchitis, am coughing a lot, and got literally no sleep last night, and my mom acted like she did me the biggest favor in the world by just taking my dog out to potty while I was trying to rest, sighing loudly as she headed out and then saying "You're welcome" in that "You owe me one" tone of voice upon coming back in. And I'm expected to get up early and go horseback riding in literally freezing temperatures tomorrow morning and go to the social skills group I find very draining (and boring) later in the day. Probably in addition to going out for lunch in between, which also takes a lot out of me. And I know if I get pneumonia from not getting enough rest, she'll blame me for not coughing enough to get all the gunk out before that happened, and if it goes on and on because I haven't been getting enough rest, it'll just be more of that exasperated treatment that suggests she thinks I'm exaggerating or faking, perhaps with added comments about how I really should be done coughing by now. I'm really sick (pun unintended but acknowledged) of this treatment, because in actuality, I understate things and don't mention it unless it's a significant issue. If I have a headache, my mom doesn't even know about it (unless it's a migraine) because I just take some ibuprofen and carry on as usual. And I take pride in being able to just push through things, so it really irritates me when it's suggested, implied, or outright said that I'm doing the opposite.

This ad came on and I didn't skip it, for once, because I find I got an instant crush on the man being interviewed.

Such an interesting person, seems kind and gentle, and handsome (to me, I know normally people like weird Brad Pitt type of people). An interesting approach to an ad for a college, too.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zAfSHrTNyD0&t=1s

^^^it wouldn't show me the ad you referred to.

How odd.

But yeah I could never take that course (mentioned in the video description- the man is a professor of culinary arts).


I would not be comfortable having a crush on a teacher.

When I was in grade 2 or 3, I had a crush on one of my teachers, and I did the worst in that class. Since I felt horrible and embarrassed the whole time and couldn't concentrate.

I did very well when he switched me to another teacher, he didn't switch anyone else. Well actually I fell back so far, that I was switched to the lower level,
since all the kids in that group were doing basic things, and were all younger than me.

He would juggle in class various items, he would take requests (he would reward a good student's completion of somerhing, by giving them a choice of what he should juggle)...
He was listening and would pick up on errors even though everyone was reciting different things and levels at the same time. He was also a great teacher (i only fell back because of the crush where i was tuned out just looking at him).
He was very funny and fun too. He was the Quran teacher.

Oh, incidentally my brother--who attended the same school-- recently informed me (i never put two and two together), he has the same name that my son ended up being named!

(Not intentionally, as it was a name XH liked as my older cousin is named that name, and he is very good, in every respect - and he wanted that name, for that reason.) But still, it's not a common name...

I have a sinking suspicion that my eyes are very sensitive to sulfur dioxide spewed by nearby volcanoes. This is not a joke.

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^^^sterile eyewash is your friend.