Funny, corny joke thread

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I asked dad if I could get $5 for some sweets at the milk bar

"$5????" He said
"Boy when I was your age, you could walk in the milk bar with 50 cents and come back with a loaf of bread, a carton of milk and some food for the dog"
He then added "you can't do that now days, there's security cameras everywhere"

We have two problems: too few babies and too many new graduates.
As long as new graduates apply to be babies, both problems will be solved at the same time.

Why wasn't the life guard able to rescue the drowning hippie?

Because he was just too far out, maaan.

So this fish ask me about the waves after i surfed and i said "i dont know the current news"

PATIENT: I feel that everybody is ignoring me, as if I were invisible.
PSYCHIATRIST: Next, please.

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint, drinks it, urinates all over the floor, and runs away.
The man comes back after a few days and orders a pint.
The landlord refuses, reminding him of his previous behaviour.
"Please give me another chance," the man begs, "I've been getting psychiatric help and it's working very well."
So the landlord relents and sells him a pint.
The man drinks it and urinates all over the floor.
The landlord says "I thought you said your psychiatric help was working well?"
The man replies "That's right, I don't get embarrassed about it any more."

A man goes into a pet store and says, "I'd like to buy about 10 rats, 20 mice, a dozen or so beetles and around 150 cockroaches".

The cashier says, "I'm sorry, but we only have a few rats and mice. Why do you want all those animals?"

The man says, "Because I'm moving out of my apartment, and the landlord told me he wants it exactly the way it was on the day I moved in."

What do you call a man who swims with sharks?

Chum.

Most of these are better said than written. But they're all mine, for better or worse.

Why couldn't the foal talk?
Because it was a little hoarse (horse).

It's a good thing horses can't vote. They'd always say "nay" ("neigh").

Parakeets have very discriminating tastes. Any time you put something in their cage they go "Cheap! Cheap!" ("Cheep! Cheep!")

When I was younger I thought about becoming a doctor but I was afraid I wouldn't have the patients (patience).

How does an electrician meditate?
Oohhmm, waaattt, vooolltt.

Why did the cheeseboard blow away?
Because of the strong bries

Did you hear about the the egg, the faucet and the tomato that had a race?

The egg was beaten, the faucet kept on running, and the tomato tried hard to ketchup.

Cats 10000000 years ago: I kill my food with brute force only

Cats now: its 2 seconds after feeding time, where's my food?

How does the moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

^

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof

If everything is coming your way; you're in the wrong lane