What's on your mind right now?

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It feels like there's some sort of unbreakable, impenetrable barrier at both ends of the range of feelings I can feel for someone. I can dislike a person, but I don't think there's ever been anyone I've outright hated. That is probably a good thing, but on the other hand, I don't seem to be able to go past "deep friendship" into the realm of "romantic love." I wish more than anything that I could feel the same kind of love a certain person feels for me, I think it would probably be a very good relationship, but I just... can't. I love this person deeply, but it's in the same way that I love my dog or my parents. I was heartbroken when our friendship had to end, because of this disability I seem to have. I think I was probably as devastated as if I were in a romantic relationship that seemed to be going very well but ended up not working out for some reason, but somehow the kind of love I feel for them is... different.

It's not just this person, either - I don't think I've ever felt romantic love for anyone (never even had a proper "crush" in school, I felt that I needed to lie to my friend and say I did, so I just picked a random name of one of the boys in our class because I didn't want to seem "abnormal" or anything). Sure, I've thought a few guys (only one that I knew in person, and I can probably count the rest on one hand) are very attractive, but I never want to be anything more than friends even with them.

I feel like when I put myself back together after a severe bout of depression in seventh grade, I missed the piece that lets me feel romantic love and now there's no way to get it back in (though the fact that I never was attracted to anyone in a romantic way even before then suggests that's not the problem). Desire for offspring, at least, is inherent to all living things, it's about the most natural thing there is... but I can't feel it. Desire for a romantic relationship leading up to and continuing past the creation of offspring is also a very natural thing that most humans feel (and dragons, for that matter)... but I can't feel that, either. I feel like some sort of freak of nature, something that wasn't assembled correctly, perhaps even something that goes enough against human nature that it should never have existed among humans (or possibly at all). This cannot be explained by having the soul of a dragon, they are also creatures that naturally form intimate relationships, and all you have to do is take a peek at the L&D section of this site to prove that it can't be explained by being on the autism spectrum, either. This is a flaw that is inherent to the very core of my being, something that doesn't have any other reasonable explanation.

Sorry for the super-long post, but that's whar's on my mind right now.

I hate working in neurotypical speed/standards. Socializing, pauses, inefficient. I just want to do my work quickly and go the f**k home without talking to anyone.

i want to forget everyone else exists or ever existed. i was meant to be alone forever.

my roommate and only real friend bailed on me, this living situation probably won't work out for long.

maybe i'll move to montana on my own.

It was just late at night. (The bhoys get it anyway.*)

Proud of myself for trying to be healthier mentally and physically.

I miss certain people from a site I quit.

Mum went to the hospital today and all the patients had masks on and all the doctors had masks and goggles on. I wonder about the doctors who were glasses?

People who judge others for reading classics that are 'problematic' are really stupid. Attitudes shift and an intelligent reader recognises this and doesn't base their opinions of for eg other ethnicities on old novels.

*I'm pretty much definitely a trans guy who doesn't understand cis or trans women.

I feel sad for the demise of the tabletop role-playing games industry.  I had a lot of fun with RPGs, and if it had not been for them, I might never have learned how to get along with others in group settings.

Now there are card games, video games, and massive multiplayer online role-playing games wherein players don't even have to meet each other.  Very sad...

It's kind of like seeing your childhood home get torn down and replaced by an apartment complex.

Just can't sleep. There's literally no words to describe let alone comprehend what's on my mind.

_________________
Blint.

Couldn't sleep since yesterday.

And listening to my mom's rambling to my sister: To think my opinion towards humans could get any more lower...
Screw the usual 'social-empathy' crap. People are just damn shallow..



So fricking shallow... How could mom ever put up with politics and these 'people' again?
Nevermind 'people', recalling my various social lessons -- how could NTs ever stand one another other than common interest and hatred?? Why am I asking this when I know better than that?

As any autistic involuntarily feels and thinks of the social realm in general; could any of this be any more 'wrong' than it is?



I've seen harsher side of things, dug and opened several cans of worms myself, and my default presumption is that the 'other-side' is naturally antisocial than I will ever assume.
But why is it that I could never get used to it? Just why??

Intellectually, it is what it is and accept it as such -- but elsewhere it just denies. So why?
Why cling to 'innocence' when I don't even value it myself? I've spent a good majority of my life trying to get rid of it, so why does this part of me cling so???

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Still trapped in a loop

Had otherwise good day with kids.
Elder has a beautiful soul and it just emanates from him like perfume. Funny one is so interesting and smart and underneath it all very sad and anxioud bcuz of his dad.

Beautiful things mostly all day and one thing awry should not taint that

Want to resell some perfume that I didn't like...
but it's so intimidating to open up an online shop like ebay or etsy. Etsy won't let you unless it's vintage (technically though people still do it)

I hate the idea of selling things. Business. YUCK
So full of potholes and I know I'm prone to messing up the simplest things.

And the word business makes me think of that evil man

I can't just give it to my sister because she only likes musk and only one from WalMart

knowledge kills action. action requires the veil of illusion


so what if you think too much?