entertaining couple weeks

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Ben Harper was at the Orpheum Theatre, not the QE, so that was a real treat as I'd only been there once or twice over a decade ago. It's a BEEEEEEEAUTIFUL venue built in ~1929 and looks like the kind of pace they might shoot a period piece movie in. Plus the sound in there is faaaaaaaantastic & the musicianship last night was On Point!

~3.5h sleep, back to Facebook this morning. I'll get to that response. (I tried napping in my car in a parkade yesterday vs. posting - I was exhausted.) Sometimes I forget that people haven't all been around here for 6+ years and perhaps have no idea what my posts were like when I first joined this forum or how my life was like then, so, I'll write up a bit of a cliffnotes version when I can. Maaaaaybe this evening - but maybe not.. my exciting Friday night plans are to pass out (in my own bed, no less! ) before Midnight.

Day off, finally slept.. between the couch last night & my bed this morning I slept for ~14 hours. Needed it.

6 years ago, about this time of year, when my symptoms were at their worst... there was exactly No f*****g Way I could have even DREAMED about doing any of these things - especially not in rapid fire succession like I do now.

Over the last ~6 years I've done a number of challenging things. I've been back to work full time+ (and up to 98h on the clock in a single week!), declared bankruptcy & got a fresh financial start with a clean slate, made, saved, and invested some money, been back to kiteboarding in Squamish in the Summer time, completed the Tough Mudder 5 times in the last 6 years (skipped year two, too poor, couldn't afford the entry fee at the time.), done more than a quarter Million pushups, and have run hundreds of miles. I'm sure I've done some other challenging things that I'm forgetting about right now, but that's besides the point.. as the point I want to make is that while I've been able to do some difficult things over these last 6 years, and some others earlier on in life like banging off 130.5 credits of business school in 2 years and graduating when I was 19 years old.. NONE of them were more challenging that simply surviving to the next day 6 years ago. Seriously.

Around this time of year 6 years ago my AS symptoms were off the charts, and getting worse. My audio sensitivity was so acute that I couldn't get any restful sleep.. even with earplugs in the sound of my own heart beating would keep me awake at night. My depression was the worst it had ever been, and getting worse. My anxiety was so sky high I could barely breathe, and getting worse.

I isolated myself from all friends and family as I didn't want to impact them negatively with my mindset at the time, and would sit in a chair outside in the sunshine in my parents' backyard and frustrated the ever living s**t out of my father who couldn't understand why I wasn't out looking for a job/working. I explained to him that it wasn't because I didn't Want to, it was because I Couldn't, and it frustrated me even more than him not being able to. Fortunately, while he wasn't exactly entirely understanding, he didn't give me too much grief over it.. he kind of just rolled his eyes, shrugged, and was like "well, whatever. I hope you figure it out and get your s**t together sooner rather than later," and left it at that.

I was putting myself through written CBT after reading the book "Feeling Good," by Dr. David Burns, and growing more frustrated by the day as my thoughts were getting worse - not better as they were supposed to. In hindsight, there was value in recording & measuring my negative thoughts and completing the Burns' Depression Checklist every day, because then I Knew that things were getting worse.. it was because of this that I was able to have the thought that something was causing this, I just had to figure out what it was, and what to do about it. Eventually, I did.

I said it was the most challenging time of my life because it was. With nearly constant invasive passively suicidal thoughts it was difficult just to make it through each day to the next. With extremely negative self worth, I developed a coping mechanism that helped me through. There was a less than zero percent chance that I'd do anything for myself, but guaranteed I could do Anything for those I love, including tolerate the thoughts that ran through my mind. I knew they were technically my thoughts in my head, but as the observer of my own thoughts, recognized that they were Not consciously my thoughts by choice, but rather intrusive negative thoughts that.. just were. The coping mechanism I developed for myself was to close my eyes and picture one of the two people in my life at the time that I would do Anything for, including live through these thoughts without giving in to any of them & acting on them. IMO, love is the strongest force in the Universe, and my love for these people is what got me through that darkest hour of my life. I closed my eyes a lot back then.

I've since used that same coping mechanism to make it through other difficult things, like working long hours in freezing rain etc, but none compare to that time of life 6 years ago. Nothing I've done since, before, or ever will do will likely compare to living through that time. (And I have some very large, very challenging, goals.) No chance I'd have been able to do even One of the things I've done in the past couple weeks back then, never mind all of them. Life is night and day different for me now.

Thanks, that was interesting. I will probably calculate how long it takes to do 250,000 press ups when I've woken up properly!

I'm in recovery mode at the moment. I've been making a decking path with stone steps for several weeks which requires me to carry all the materials up a 40ft elevation.

Work has been my way of staying sane as I don't fare well out in society without some structure in my life.

Work - reminds me, I forgot to mention some of the physical parts. My balance and coordination got worse and my fine motor skills deteriorated right before my eyes and it was terrifying to watch. At one point I had a hard time using my fingers to tie my shoes. My short term memory and executive functions disappeared, too. It was bizarre af.

Work, yes.. idle hands and all that. Work is good.

Now I use trowels and putty knives to do finishing work on walls and ceilings. A far cry from not being able to use my hands for sweet f**k all 6 years ago.

Have you had speech problems? I used to put words in the wrong order and often missed out small words from a sentence, words like it, a, I.
All I needed was rest, rhythm and vitamins. (and support from family)

Afaik only the Aspie prosody was worse back then.. can't recall any major speech issues - except for maybe one time half my life ago when I couldn't find the word to describe an emotion when asked and was virtually speechless while having a bit of a panic attack. Oh, and there was a time ~6 years back when I was working for my friend's restaurant and the way he worded a question made it so that I couldn't answer as no possible answer to the way he phrased it would have been correct/honest and I just sort of shut down until I realized Why I "couldn't," speak and explained it to him. I told him my brain was operating like a computer program and without a workable input I couldn't respond. THAT was interesting, too. Fortunately he was a smart guy who had been to his first level of Medical School already and had patience with me while I sorted all of these things out.. and then as I did, week by week we would both take notice of which of my brain functions had improved and how much better/faster it made me at my job. That was the very beginning of my second life.

It's good that you are working, you sound positive about your job. I hope that it is enabling you to live the life you want to be living. I feel as if I know where you are coming from a lot better since the start of this thread. You've worked hard to get where you are.
Take it easy, play it cool and the a breath.
(did that sound very patronising? I hope not)

Yeah, I like my job enough.. and for my experience level, I’m really good at it. I have a lot to learn still and need to get a lot faster at all aspects.. then I’ll be able to make some pretty decent coin on side jobs - that’s where the money is, $50-60+/hr, cash, and that’s how I’ll earn the capital I need to invest and grow to pay for tuition & books for a long time. Bit by bit.. Rome wasn’t built in a day and all that good stuff.

And I’m quite proud of the work I do, actually. My father has been framing and boarding walls and ceilings in this city for 45 years.. and now I’m finishing them. Feels good to sweat for a living, and also to be able to do physical work I couldn’t before due to chronic fatigue symptoms and lack of motor skills.

That’s the thing a lot of people don’t realize.. almost everyone who’s at a higher level than themselves didn’t just start there, they worked their asses off to get there. Too much jealousy and not enough “I’m gonna work even harder and build myself and my life up, too.” IMO

Nothing wrong with working hard.

Nothing wrong with the advocacy of working hard.

I admire what Goldfish is doing. It’s hard to be in construction. There are many as*holes you have to deal with. And it’s hard work with the potential for injury, and many sacrifices are made.

But there’s something wrong with putting people down who haven’t gotten to your point yet.

(Which you haven’t done in a while).

Being an example means letting your actions do your talking. Which I know is hard on an Internet forum.

But anything is better than bluster and putting people down. All that stuff brings everybody down, and accomplishes nothing.

I know when it’s happening. Because I’ve been the recipient of it.

I don’t feel that’s the Totality of Goldfish, or even most of Goldfish. Or his intention. But it is something to guard against.

Not everybody can be 6 foot 2, 205lbs, with 13% body fat. I have to make do with 5 foot 5, 180 lbs, and about 20-25% body fat.

I like Goldfish much more than I like his avatar

Talked to a 35+ year Taper this afternoon who pulls $100/hr on his side jobs. 3rd one I’ve met that makes that - and I bet several others I know do, too. Even if I only make half that on side jobs in a couple years I’ll be doing well - and if I can get good enough & fast enough to pull $100/hr, well, I’ll take it.

And kraftie, I’m only 195lbs right now but 13.5% bf. I stopped drinking beer on the the beach and went back to work 50-60h/wk. Shouldn’t take long to lean out a bit, especially if I start running again.

Ouch....pride comes before a fall Mr Bombastic. Go easy.

*shrug* I made $35/hr cash after 5 months experience. (My work looks better than some people’s who have 5 years experience - it’s all about the results, not how long you’ve done it) so I figure $50/hr cash is VERY doable in a couple years’ time.

Currently killing time having a coffee in the sunshine in the gaybourhood as I wait for a routine appointment. The people watching in this very gay place is pretty entertaining.

I love how humble and tactful kraftie is.
It's true how you never appreciate someone's qualities until you see them contrasted with someone else's.
You're a joy, kk.

Good for you......my very final congratulations

IKR? Like how dare I build an employable skill set and then use it to help lift myself out of poverty by working lucrative side jobs when I can.

Car operating expenses + rent = consumes my entire day job Net income. I work a weekend job so I can afford fancy things like groceries. (canned salmon, not steak.) Damn rights I'm going to take on a side job that pays ~double my day job when it's there to be had.

^ I was commenting on kraftie's interpersonal skills, which are exemplary..
...apart from being an occasional flirt.