What's on your mind right now?

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Feeling ignored and rejected, especially by people I thought were in my corner. They also keep me in the dark when I try to reach out to them. They don’t even ask me if I am doing ok.

Considering severing bonds with people who are essentially sending the message that “No” is the answer to if they want to even talk to me.

There are real times whenever someone checks on me, see 'how am I', ends up with me bothered enough to be annoyed by it.


I get it ok? You're worried. Concerned. I ought to be grateful or something?



But for all the years I've been keep saying, over and over -- I want to be alone.

If I have a problem, I wanna be alone.
If I'm sad or upset, I wanna be alone.

Don't coax me to tell what the issue is, if it'll just lead to disappointment and eventually frustration because there are no practical solutions.

If I'm angry or frustrated, go away before I hurt any of you.


I don't need a damn hug or a kiss -- for me those things are mostly for happier and tender times.

To do so in sadder times does not make me remind of happier and tender times -- it'll just disappoint me because hugs and kisses in sadder and miserable times are but remind of helplessness of unreliability and is not practically reliable.

I'd rather be ignored. I'd be more grateful if I'm, than to be fussed around and be someone's problem.



Yes, I'm that type of person.

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I was ostracized and bullied for being myself. Two people I know went against the grain and succeeded socially as well as in their interests while I failed.

How to un-strain your tunnel vision mind.
How to untangle yourself.


The day I discoved that it was some form of chronic fatigue from that caused my executive dysfunction.
The day I woke up without sleep issues. The moment I found out what I thought was normal was unhealthy.


I cannot accept the fact that I'm not like that everyday. I cannot let it go. I cannot get over it. That was me. The real me at it's fullest expression. I was myself.
Then suddenly?? I can't. And people chalks the possible undiagnosed medical condition I might have as 'autism'.

But how am I? Decline most of the meals of the day because it has triggers? Hide in a hole to stave sensory stress?
Openly make the whole neighborhood worry by trying a solution but unable to have privacy, and then have my mom show the whole thing in the open or lecture me??

No???
Doctor's fee that would costs a fraction of my savings? Check-ups and tests that costs 3 times or so months worth of bills? Huh...


Sigh..
This is a weird day for me.
Or night. Or just day. It's 5am and something wrecked my sleep. Didn't ate anything weird or new.
Must be my cycle. Or the weather. Or just randomness not that I decided that. Figures.

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It perplexes me that so many people have accepted the use of the word “literally” as the opposite of the actual definition that I now have to be aware that because I use it for emphasis, people are likely to assume that’s how I’m using it. I always mean literally literally, just like adding, well, “always” or some such.

I'm wondering why these kids always literally screech every time they're outside. I never screeched and would have been made to go inside if I did that...

Why is it I always realize how important others are to me when my bonds with them are destroyed?

A weird thought. And I've been wondering what it is about.


Everytime I saw something for show, impossible it may seem, a part of me daydreams and hopes to mimic it somehow. In daydreams I'd be in action, inspired by it.

But now? It's the opposite. A part of me within the daydreams, comparing the real life me as weak, helpless, hopeless comparably and while compensating for something.
This was very recent.


If it was about depression, it is not. Or poor self esteem.
If it had, at least something like the latter already happened a long time ago, but it hasn't.
It isn't about experience either, considering this pandemic.


So what does this mean?

Is this age? Just like the weakening of my body and energy suggests?
Every few years or so, I always feel this shift...

Or something more sinister?.. Because this shift doesn't feel good or acceptable.


My daydreams had certain meanings. Many of which were great as I let it fly itself...
.. Until now.

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I might have a meltdown because of screeching kids outside. Every time they scream my ears ring.

Are covid vaccines the same volume regardless of the person's body mass?