What's on your mind right now?

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^ I'd guess that if an autistic has "special needs" -- as in one that actually requires special equipments or aides or certain specific yet medical in nature routines, as opposed to the usual psychological components, usually one with at least single but inherent yet not very manageable trait -- Paralympics.

If they don't need any, Olympics.

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Sure, I'm excited to get my 3rd g. sunflower seeds soon but...

Suddenly, it's been developing buds by the leaf nodes. Now I got at least 6 potential flower heads.

I thought the freebie was a single headed type -- there was nothing growing any more or in between the first or last time it finished it's cycle.

Or maybe that's just 2nd g., The current one I'm growing now, is when it starting to going multiple... Or something else... Hmm...
But there are no other sunflowers nearby, let alone a multi-headed variety.

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Just trying to keep myself occupied, during this extremely hot weather

What to say to my therapist about my mom when I see my therapist this Thursday!

I ate a popsicle that tasted weird (kind of like iron) and then saw bright red stuff in the middle of it.

I told my therapist yesterday that I didn’t know that there was really a point in trying to get an apartment or something, particularly if I would need any sort of assisted living sort of thing, and he said, “Well, sometimes it motivates people to get a job.” Yeah… I did manage to keep a job for over a year, but I was self-harming on a daily basis for much of that and was hospitalized four times in a year for mental health reasons. And that was much ECT and chemotherapy ago, plus I never even got to the interview stage before I had a huge gap in my employment history (including the two jobs I eventually got, they didn’t have any interview, one just had me fill out some paperwork and then start the next day and the other only had me come in with a few other people for an introductory presentation or video (don’t remember which) before starting). And much of my depression comes from feeling like nothing but a burden and from not being able to support myself, and we just discussed last time that I really need to be doing things so I have something else to focus on. For some reason, I don’t think motivation is the problem here. I reminded him of just the first note, and he nodded and said, “Well, okay.” Then started talking about other clients (which he does a fair bit with me, but not naming anybody). I really need to observe to him that we don’t ever really do any therapy anymore, and then remind him that that’s what I’m here for every time he changes the subject. But usually when appointment time rolls around, I’m feeling far too passive to do that.

My head is very quiet.

But somewhere in my heart... Is not.

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It's late. Been on the road most of the night. Any urge for shut-eye left when the storm rolled in. But then the rain started coming down in sheets. Pulled over and parked behind these old apartments I used to live in twenty years ago. Haven't so much as traveled around the area in half that time. Returning finally, the progress looks out of the ordinary, almost foreign. Fast food joints on every corner. Cinemas turned into churches, their marquees offering verses instead of showtimes. It's the opposite of change blindness. A Where's Waldo effect, with the background being looked for instead of any one person.

Now the rainfall subsides, scatters across the car's exterior. And staring out at the lamp-lit courtyards, somehow memory imbues all of this unremarkable real estate with a surreal quality, keeping its familiarity intact despite the many superficial changes.

Watching the Olympics closing ceremony makes me melancholic.

One of the best feelings I experience is... 'Forgetting' introception.
No proprioception. No need for vigilant kinesthetic and touch-pressure sensing. No chronologic and spatial sense.

And no numbness involved. That would still feel something and it also feels weird.

It only happens in intense meditation where there are little to no physical tension or sensation.
Or if my sleep quality went really well.


It's akin to... Hypersensitive hearing ​and silence.
In my case it's really just most of the beyond the 5 basic senses -- just no high grade intolerance, but it doesn't mean it has no stress and not want a break from it so badly.


Putting a blinder or a silencer to most of the basic senses is as easy as plug and play.
Or in some cases, go to a quiet and dim room of preferred temperature. Or that it can be avoided or run away from.


But do the same beyond 5 basic senses?? Senses that are not very externally dependent??
And is utterly unavoidable and irremovable because it is literally from one's own (inside the) body??

I just hope it doesn't involve drugs. Or accidents.
I assume sensory deprivation tanks or something similar, but that's not currently an option.

And there's mind over matter, which is the only option I have so far.
But for how long and how consistently be reliable?
And aspies are not known for EQ or EF that's usually around regulation... I wanna defy the whole idea of that.

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I was thinking about sensory deprivation tanks earlier today. ^

I think I'd go mad if the only input I had was my brain and my tinnitus.

I need me some tactile stimulation all the time.

I want to bake something. Preferably a cake. But I live alone and would most likely end up eating it alone, too. I'd like to experiment with new recipes, but I don't want to make anything that I'll have to throw away because it doesn't get eaten in time. That has happened before, and I don't like it. I wish the baking bug would've bit me when I was still at my old job; there was a woman there who brought cakes and such in to the break room often because she baked as a hobby. I could've done that too, but back then I was still learning basic life skills. Something like baking rarely crossed my mind at the time.

I'm trying to change my mind. Too much drama or indifference, where are real connections?

I think my cousin has psychosis, and even though I'm not freaked out about it I have no idea how to respond to anything he says to me right now. I keep thinking he's just chatting with me normally, and then he mentions something that sounds paranoid or something else messed up, and I'm sitting there like ??? because I don't want to say something wrong.

Another... Shift.

And it doesn't feel good. Or at least that's my impression.


Also it hurts my head. It's my left side as usual. For no real reason.

It's annoying. I don't have a lot to do, I'm not even going out and I have to deal with this.

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