What's on your mind right now?

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I have been pondering lately about whether any particular emotional charge gets permanently solved. I recently saw a woman, I thought was a friend, but she badly betrayed me. I have worked hard to resolve this so that I feel no animosity to her and in general I have been successful.

If you were to ask me, if so and so still upsets me, I would say No, not at all. That is gone from my heart. And this is what I believed. But from the first microsecond I saw her face, my auto emotions kicked in with...fear? reminders? resentments? It doesn't really matter what it is.

After some consideration, I now believe that something like forgiveness is not an either or thing. It is more like a sliding scale that can go back and forth, based on intensity of the original relationship, time elapsed, degree of personal inside work.

My concern was that I was not being "honest" when I said I had no resentments. I didn't think I did. But i no longer see that as dishonesty. Just that the sliding scale was way far to the side of no resentments. And that seeing her moved the scale way back to the other side, briefly. Still needs more work.

It has been a while since my body had reacted appropriately to caffeine.

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On my good days, maybe four.

Average days, maybe two.

Prior to ADHD meds, maybe one -- tops.

I'm referring only to indoor, solo activity like reading, cooking, or cleaning.

Out of the house? I can't even do an hour per week.

My cats teeth hurt and she's avoiding eating, so I softened some kibble with milk. I hope she eats it.

I'm considering trying to "grey rock" my mom so she loses interest in using me as a scapegoat.

I'm having trouble not dissociating right now to be honest. We have multiple people viewing our land today (we are selling), and I'm overwhelmed.

So.. hmm...


About last year, a relative of in law gave us giant sunflower seeds.
But... We don't know what the heck we were doing. None of the seeds popped.

Fast forward to today.
There are 50+ pieces of sunflower seeds in a bottle.
Unknown if it ever popped or not, so...


I went and buried them all over 50 pieces.

I wonder how many will pop within a week.
5 is fine. 10 is ok. 15 can still do.
But over 20 sounds like asking for trouble.


And I hate those gnats. It didn't helped that it is stormy season.

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Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

My sense of sympathy / empathy is so strong it's disabling. I soak up people's emotions like a sponge, and I think it ends up hurting me even more than it hurts them. I'll be incapacitated until their emotion changes.

When all else fails, colour.