What's on your mind right now?

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My favorite band’s new album

I'm taken aback because it seems as though some of the work I've done actually paid off. It's cool to see self-improvement efforts playing out in real life. Even though this is a potentially bummer type situation, I actually did it. Then I did more. I'm pleased by this. I might have grown up a bit or become a bit less robot. Either way, I'll take it and call it a win. Change is scary and I did it. Speaking up about things that could f*** you up is scary and I did it. I'm giving myself metaphorical cookies tonight.

I can't think at all lately and it's making everything difficult.

that time again
Set My Chickens Free

Thinking about the time when I made the grave mistake of throwing an eraser at someone in high school, whilst overloaded with Autism. Some perceptive NT saw that the friend of the person I threw the eraser at, was mad at me. So he grabbed me and served me up the friend, dragging me in front of him. The friend of the person I had thrown the eraser at then punched me in the jaw at point blank range, nearly breaking my jaw.

Why all my homemade papers are all rough whenever it dries?

Cause I've been drying it all over clothes with chronic and unfixed fabric pilling.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

My uterusssssssss. Ouch.

I have a friend who doesn't recognize their own sense of irony. Or maybe they're teasing me. I really can't tell.

The trololo song playing nonstop

Last Sunday and Monday, it rained on my way to work. Shoes wet from before work to getting home.

Since last Sunday, feet intermittently cold and numb. Paranoid of illness, because then I have to not go to work and could get made redundant. And because coronavirus

Today is the Monday after that. Have not gotten wet in the rain since last Monday. Rain forecasted for tomorrow after 4pm.

Considering calling out to work.

Not sick yet, but seriously doubt immune system could handle any more

Been working at this job 14 months and called in sick zero times

Plenty of times I had symptoms, but not so sick per se

Besides I am a lot attendant. Outside the entire time. Even if I am sick, maybe nobody will notice

Whether changing from quetiapine to risperidone was a good choice after all.
Quetiapine seemed to sedate me, and risperidone seems to do the opposite.

Time killing.
This week's more or less a vacation as holiday is approaching.

Other than being patient with plants... Hmm...
And improving on paper making... Maybe walk around the city to find seeds...

Or finally bug my aunt and try some baking... Maybe finally just focus on sewing and fix the machine... And possibly recycle any excess clothing I used to own.

Better figured when and how I'd be distracted by a lot of entertainment materials... Also cravings.. Hmmm...
Not to mention test my drawing and see if I realize something..

Maybe order some contact lenses, if the budget allows it.
But it's queued with a lot of stuff -- heating mat and led lights for plants, an extra mini cabinet, a metal or wooden plank to make tables with said mini cabinet or for spaces for plants, still finding out which footwear my senses can accommodate well, basic stuff I've yet to try like soldering iron and quilting, tons of unfinished projects because I was broke 3 years ago...

Ah, damn.

I'm not exactly living at every moment now, do I?

Too distracted, too exhausted, too whiny on the head and heed to make me 'cautious' because head/gut/nose/hormonal symptoms. Basically just coping whatever the heck this is.

Maybe that would be my New Years resolution -- finish off the entire lists of lists within 1 month, and affirm that one question... Can't say what that question is yet, but it's an affirmation question to myself with action and thoughts for solutions for an answer.

I've been monitoring this fluctuation I have for years anyway and barely made progress. It ruins the momentum.
What I can do instead, is to take advantage of my own human psych.

And invest internally... Stopping my mindset from spending time coping.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

Coffee. Lack of sleep. Dentist appointment tonight...bad timing, since it's been a brutal week so far. Can't wait for Thursday night.

Will meet up with someone, and they'll probably call a third person, someone who won't otherwise talk to me unless there's someone else there, and they'll patronize me by reminding me I can text them any time. They have notifications turned off for my texts, and they never wonder what I'm up to and check for my texts, so how it doesn't occur to them I'm going to be insulted by this is beyond me.

The whole thing is demeaning, and I can't wait to get it over with. Then nobody will think of me until Christmas, where I'll get a call from my sister, and she'll ask if I did anything special, to which the answer has been 'no' every single year. And then finally Christmas will be over.

Happy f-ing holidays.