What's on your mind right now?

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A brief reprieve to read, before the birthday rush.

Whether to finish my current books or read my new books.

How to reinforce my windows so I don't freeze to death reading.

How much I love my snuggly blanket and snuggly socks.

I survived another Christmas, and I can't believe how much I actually spoke!

I think I need Tea Time with Meg Tilly.


Ahhhh, here she is now:


The only person I know who rambles as much as I do. ^

My whole head is glued shut with snot. I feel like a pot of honey.

It’s really annoying being the only non-procrastinator in the household, and also the only one with no credit card or means of transportation besides walking, so I usually have to have assistance of some sort to do anything, but I have to repeatedly remind people for a week for any assistance to be forthcoming.

Trying to buy fresh cut sunflowers for delivery, post-Christmas and during a pandemic.

Good times!

What do you call a grandparent who is nonbinary?

Grandthey?

Oh that reminds me, i must go visit my grandpersons.

Joy.

That surprised pikachu meme is basically my attitude towards life.

I've made it clear that loneliness is a huge problem in my life. If you don't want anything to do with me, that's fine. There are lots of people who want nothing to do with me, and I give them not a minute of thought. But if you are pretending otherwise, you are actively harming me, because I have to give you my attention knowing you don't give a crap. It amounts to teasing and gaslighting. If you're unwilling to talk to me, there aren't enough heart emojis in the world to convince me you give a crap.

Oh, people don't want to socialise with me because they are too Autistic for me or maybe I am too Autistic for them and we communicate on different wavelengths?

I am not sure how to resolve this...

I thank everyone for caring, anyway. I have noticed that I am being noticed and that you are noticing that I am noticing you.

Wondering if I’ll ever get onto the Canadian rivers again.

I just sat through a SpiderMan movie for the second night. I can't follow movies, I hate noise or TV at the best of times, and I have no interest in this kind of story even if I try to pay attention. I barely even looked at the screen, but exposure to a constant barrage of noise and visual chaos has left me feeling like my nervous system went headlong through a wood chipper -- many times over -- with no reprieve.

It feels like I'm going to pass out if I can't shut down in total silence and solitude to recuperate for a few weeks. My pulse was 110 when the movie started, and I can only imagine it now. I can't even walk a straight line because I'm so disoriented and flustered.

What's on my mind?

Why am I like this? I know I have ADHD and SPD but it's so frustrating. Even among autistic people, I feel like a freak. I have no idea how anyone could watch these kinds of films without significant sensory distress and overwhelm.

I'll never be normal, and that makes me feel very alone.

I personally turn the brightness down very low so the backlight and brightness on a television is 'soft' and less intense. Also, I have the volume as low as I can tolerate without not being able to hear sound. Add subtitles?

I do all of those things and I can watch movies.

I can't follow movies because of ADHD, primarily. Even if it's a movie that I enjoy, or something like a 30 minute Christmas cartoon, I lose focus in the first five minutes. I've been known to put shows like Frosty the Snowman on about 10 times in a row without being able to pay attention for the entire story, and then give up. When it's a complex movie especially with special effects, explosions, gunfire, and constant "conflict", I completely check out. I can focus on the first five minutes when everything's calm, but then I get characters mixed up because I'm face blind. As soon as the conflict starts I know it's just going to be bang-bang-bang-kill-scream-shoot until the big music calms down and there's some sort of happy ending.

My daughter loves these two movies (Amazing Spiderman) so I did it for her. Just being in the room was too much, even though I wasn't really watching. All I know about the two films combined is that some guy (nameless?) who was an orphan turned into SpiderMan somehow, and he did a bunch of noisy things presumably with bad guys, near the Brooklyn Bridge. He liked a blonde girl (nameless?) who kissed him a lot but always seemed to be breaking up with him. Oh and there was an uncle and aunt. I liked Sally Field but I have no idea why she was in the violent part at the end. I thought she was a homemaker?

Subtitles - No, because I don't / can't look at the screen enough to read. I have to rely on listening without looking, when movies are on. I only look up occasionally.

Backlight - It's not usually such an issue, unless in movies like this there's sheer mayhem with lights, colours, and confusion. It's ironic but my daughter has Epilepsy and I don't. I don't know how she can watch that kind of thing without having a full-on seizure.

Melancholy. Of many sources.
Or maybe it's just the seasonal cold.

Regardless...
It's like a really cool shower to the soul.

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