What's on your mind right now?

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You’re very good, Blazingstar!

I haven't been on WP much for the past few days. I've been trying to keep my holidays peaceful. There are some things that I read in some subforums that don't make for a peaceful mind. A staff worker from my clubhouse is on her way to Saskatchewan with her boyfriend. They're going to visit some friends and relatives. They're hoping to arrive their in time to celebrate New Year's Eve. I'm planning to have a little celebration myself. I have a bottle of Chardonnay that I'll be drinking for an hour and a half after midnight. It's non-alcoholic, so you guys don't have to worry about me mixing alcohol and meds. Nothing is going to change in the New Year, so I might as well just celebrate, anyways.

My family seems to think I'm smart. So its a wonder they lie to me.

Some time ago my sister told me how financially burdened my aunt was, in a conversation about how my sister could not afford to help me as much as she wanted to. Apparently, she and my aunt had discussed me, and my aunt had decided not to help me. Thing is, I wouldn't have even thought to ask her for anything. So she turned me down without my even having asked her for anything. Is that what they call an unforced error? LOL

They've owned the same, modest house for decades. Held the same corporate job for decades, almost certainly have a pension coming. Probably collecting rent from their son. I see their vacation photos on facebook.

They forget, I'm not dumb.

They didn't even have to turn me down, because I was never asking. But they did, anyway. Yeah, I'm gonna share my lottery winnings with these people, LOL.

Never planning to visit my home town again. Had planned how I might make my death as nondisruptive as possible for them. Not really worried about it anymore.

Not unhappy. Not happy either.
Sad somewhat. But not in an upsetting or unpleasant way.


Hope and wish for a Happy New Year, everyone.

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Just doing my best to find serenity each and every day.

I think I've observed this before, but it would cost less to help me than to bury me. People are just dumb.

I didn't get my new computer until today when it was finally ready at the store after being late for over two days. Then my brother brought it over and tried to get it running but couldn't because apparently my old monitor doesn't work with it. So my brother had to hook my old computer back up until I get a new monitor. That's why I wasn't on here the past couple of days.

I kept myself entertained without the computer the usual way, by reading, writing, and drawing. I also watched a marathon that had reruns of Cheers.

I think I'm turning atheist...

I'm too much of a free thinker for any religious movement.

My work starts around 7 hours.

I need to snap out of this 'state' soon.

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beret erotic and mmfun

I really hope there's not an animal in my attic. That could be problematic. I might just name it Omar and pretend it's okay. I joke. Kind of.

Survival of the fittest?

More like survival of the good-enough.

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I've read everything I could find, and looked at all the photos, and from what I can tell you weren't brilliant at conversation, and would fill awkward silences with awkward humor, which people appreciated, but it wasn't enough that they actually liked talking to you. So, they mostly didn't. The liked you and took photos with you and you were invited to their events, but you never felt like an equal member, did you? You knew they got together outside the group events, and they texted each other often and they talked on the phone. It'd take a while to answer YOUR texts, and they mostly didn't talk to you on the phone. Right?

But at least one of them used love language and the talk of friendship, and even did the one grand event with you, and a couple other get togethers. But was slow to answer your texts, if at all, and never talked to you outside these get togethers. Right?

And when the older of them graduated and didn't stay in touch, it was confirmed that you were not a full member. Right? When they came home for holiday and didn't check in on you, you were profoundly disappointed, right?

How do I get all that from photos and from what people wrote about you after you died? I recognize myself in all of it. People want to be nice to you, and sometimes they even include you, but when you are conversationally awkward, they don't actually want to talk to you. It keeps you from getting close to people. I know because I've been there. I know what it means that there are two people between you and your date in the photos, or that you aren't even in most of them. I know what it means that they got great photos of you smiling and laughing, and you got photos of their back. I know what it means that they didn't post the best photos they got of you until after you died. I know what it actually means when they write of you that you "were able to turn awkward moments into...blah blah." It's a very nice way of saying that you were awkward but they liked you, anyway. Right? But they never let you get actually close. Right?

I don't want to be that annoying adult and say you gave up too soon. Maybe you were just smarter than I am and figured it out sooner than I did. But damn, I wish you'd given it more time. Most people find someone. Somehow. I haven't, but odds are you would have.

You had two of the beautiful people as friends. Until they weren't. Right?

You also had someone your own age. You probably goofed and didn't get close to THEM. Right? They were more like you, and didn't use love language, because love language is presumptuous, and neither of you wanted to be presumptuous. Maybe neither of you were good at conversation, so it didn't occur to you to get close. Right? I wish they had been enough to keep you alive.

I had two people in my life like that. At two different times. Beth and Cheryl. I was told they were interested. It was apparently my job to make something of that interest, because they didn't. I regret being so oblivious, or so unpresumtuous. I do hope they did better than me in their lives. That is, I hope they both found someone better than me.